for victims of sexual trauma

First off, let me say when I hear about these terrible things, I am so sorry for what you went through and reading what it caused in the long run. I've had so many friends who either still haven't overcome it or it was difficult for them to.

For me, until I met the man I am with now, I've been very untrusting, and didn't really respect my body. I am now going on 24 next week, and from about age 9 to 23, I had no respect for my body nor did I love it. I didn't actually see a therapist for it, nor did I tell anyone until I was in my late teens. I had sex, it just didn't really mean much until recently. I am so grateful that my feelings have changed...because although the people meant something to me, not feeling any emotions from the sex with those people who I cared so deeply for, was something I'd never wish on anyone.

I'm sure for you it has been disturbing, terrifying, absolutely awful. If you ever need another girl to talk to, my inbox is open! Nightmares are awful; I still occasionally have them, but not as much anymore as I used to. I've had multiple traumas but the more recent ones don't bother me as much as the initial ones. less

wanting to know if any of you with sexual trauma in your past have had it affect your sex life (I can't imagine it not, at least for me.)

how has it affect your sex life with consenting partners?


how have you tried to overcome it? have you been successful?

any and all information you're willing to share is delicately accepted. thank you so much for sharing on this incredibly difficult subject.

thank you.

alice less

I feel I am completely sexually health now. I am not a "victim" nor am I a "survivor." I am someone who had something bad happen to her against her will, and I REFUSE to give the abuser a big place in my life or my thoughts.

I went through a period when my oldest daughter was near to the age I was when the trauma occurred. I knew I needed help, sought counseling, got it, saw an other counselor, took some meds, and then realized that allowing him to live in my head or in my sexual organs was allowing him to still control and exert his will over me.

I said "No more!" and haven't looked back. Actually, the only time I think about it is when I answer threads like this. I think people need to realize that bad shit can happen to you, BUT you have the strength to come out OK on the other side IF you don't let him (or her) continue to have a place in your head, your mind or your sex organs.

It didn't effect my sex life, even before I dealt with it fully, I never let him (psychologically) into my bedroom (or back seat of a car or where ever I was having healthy sex) because I knew that gave him power. Even when young, I knew giving him power, when he wasn't even there would harm me more than the actual abuse. He has no more power over me and never will again. There were times when I didn't want sex for short periods of time, but I can't link that to the abuse.

It may take some work, and I recommend working with a therapist who does not singularly focus on the abuse! There are therapists out there with agendas, and some of them want to keep you sick and scared. If a counselor focuses exclusively on the abuse or wants to talk about it in a way that YOU feel is going backwards from HEALTH, walk away and see someone else.

Health is taking the power away from the abuser by claiming yourself again and NOT taking on a "title" for the event or trauma. Then by moving on.

Total normalcy can happen and it may take some work, but sometimes we feel that the abuse makes us "special" or "delicate" (I blame Oprah totally for these unhealthy foci) and we cling to the abuse and the labels ("Victim" "Survivor" "In Recovery" etc) because it's what we know, and the Devil we know is sometimes more comfortable than the Devil we don't know.

The Devil we don't know is facing life without "The Abuse" to hold us back and use as an excuse or as a crutch to Total Sexual Health. Leaving behind the abuse will make us stronger (after we have dealt with it, which I think needs to be done as expediently as possible. My own therapy for the abuse, mixed in with other issues took less than a year, and 80% of the therapy was about things OTHER THAN the abuse. My second therapist refused to focus on it exclusively, and although at the time, I thought she was being neglectful, it turned out she knew exactly what she was doing to bring me to Health. Everyone's need will differ, but unless one was held in a shed in someone's back yard for 15 years, NO therapy should take years and years to come to a stopping point and a point and sooner rather than later Health and leaving the abuse and the abuser behind them should be focused on and then one should move on with one's life.

Mileage may vary. less

Um, ok. *thinks* For me, I also had emotionally abusive/neglectful parents. The motions were there, and criticism but communication wasn't. "you could have anything you ask" but was mentally beaten down to know that asking was futile. Attempts to open up were rejected. I have been sexualized since early childhood, and also have had dreams that woke me upset/crying that were from my point of view, not always with overt sexual content, but with sexual feeling. Anything from being hurt, to the wallpaper pattern hitting me in the face over and over, but it was what was behind me that hurt, and the impression of being very young. Furniture was ID'd as being around age three. Large toys from the receptive point of view provoke the edges of a reaction I have not pinned down yet. Other things happened later as a tween.

It has affected my sex life with partners in that:

1)I will not easily do bondage or the receiving end of S&M except in very specific situations.

2) I have some kind of reenactment issue. Large toys that hurt, thoughts of rough sex with older men of a certain body type/features are frequent and toying then is qualitatively different and darker than when I am "just playing". And I can't come.

I have role issues with other men, overestimate their ages, etc.

Many childhood joys such as holiday specials, etc are depressingI have had to duck into the bathroom when my daughter played a Peanuts or other DVD because I was crying uncontrollably. Other's accounts of abuse are profoundly affecting and depressing in a way that seems linked to the other reaction.
A few rules to live by:

Don't punish yourself for other people's sins.

When you feel yourself skidding a bit, try to make some time to be good to yourself and immerse yourself in the best part of your current life. Be as self reliant as possible. Don't use what happened as an excuse. Stay the fuck away from the self-destructive stuff, it is better to hurt than to damage yourself further. OK, four things.

I function well with just some self sabotage and difficulty getting ahead. The stereotypical positive coping methods help, when I use them. Else I get by. The negative coping methods help a little, but are rapidly counterproductive. See above. It does get better especially if you don't wallow in it. less

thank you so much for sharing. it's good to hear the experience of others. it helps me put some puzzle pieces together for myself.


the dreams are pretty vivid for me too. makes me wonder.


and i too experienced sympathizing with other accounts of abuse with reactions of extreme depression and an odd 'where the hell did that come from' empathetic reaction.



did you ever consciously, other than dreams, remember what happened? as i said, the whole 'blocking shit out' bit is still hard to believe for me.



and as far as staying away from self-destruction, talk about nail on the head. it's a miracle, or something, i'm still around.



thank you again so much for sharing. it really helps more than you know. less

i highly commend you for your obvious strength. i do believe we all have that strength, it just takes some of us longer to find it. and still others will go back and forth between finding it, losing it, finding it again... where'd it go now?

the counselor i'm seeing is at a rape crisis center and has been doing this for 20 years. i'm not worried about her focusing solely on the possible abuse or bringing me to a worse state. of course, bringing out the yuck by talking about it will happen, and a temporary 'worse before it gets better' is just about inevitable, at least for me. i've seen it while doing therapy before.

the point is not to check out before the healing begins. pushing through that horrible bit to get back to some freakin daylight.

thanks for your encouragement, and thank you for sharing. less

Since I've only recently come to terms with having experienced spousal rape, it's affecting my new sex life in rather odd ways. Like, I had enjoyed breath play with my ex, even after he held me down by the back of my neck and penetrated me explicitly against my will. Then, bringing it up in therapy, the idea of being choked again terrified me. I let my new guy choke me, and was fine with it, but when he's not here, I'm freaked out by the idea of choking again. Also, when he comments on my hyper-orgasmic nature, I get a bit freaked, because the first time my ex raped me was when trying to test my limits for orgasms (I had had more than enough, told him I was done, and he didn't stop. I was crying, laughing, shaking uncontrollably, blacking out, and alternately screaming and begging him to stop). I'm afraid of getting anywhere near my limits, because my ex didn't stop when I said stop or when I said the safe word, and when I get to that point, I'm not capable of fighting anyone off.

The sexual harassment I went through as a tween kind of warped me as well. I've always had a phobia of imperfection and sinning, and being told that I was worth nothing except as a sex object, combined with emotional and physical (though completely non-sexual) abuse I received at home from my sister (being called worthless and useless all around, and that I did nothing but make the people around me suffer) led to a sort of slavishness and begging for punishment when I acted submissive. I don't enjoy being in a submissive position anyway (I'm much more a dom), but I wasn't asking for pain or punishment out of liking it, but because I would get into a headspace where I deserved to suffer and be tortured and denigrated because I was/am such a horrible person. Our few sessions where he wanted me fully submissive usually led to relapses in my eating disorder, which is all about self-punishment. Actually, the eating disorder started because of the sexual harassment, because I had some backwards idea in my head that I deserved all the abuse that was heaped upon me, and if I was so horrible, I obviously needed worse punishment.

I'm trying to work on the idea that I need to be punished and abused for unspecified sins - to suffer should not be my lot in life, and even though people may hurt me in the future, it is not deserved punishment for being evil. No one who has ever hurt me has believed that I am evil, and no one would judge a 12-year-old not knowing how to respond to sexual harassment. less

The early stuff, I do not remember. I haven't had the dreams for many years now, but I am no longer immersed in those thoughts. (read: have kids, things change) About a decade ago I was very active on a couple issues websites and that brought a few things back, but nothing really new.

The toy play brought a few things back, but it is very specific, certain positions and views and not just any toy works and not all the time.

As I've gotten older the patterns of my reactions have changed, the Christmas specials really hit me now, and I thought they did back in the day...songs that used to blast me into fits of anxiety or depression do almost nothing. Other songs that were out when I was online (on the sites) get to me, but I think that is just associated with the emotional load from then.

I have very few memories from before age 7. It seems like many when listed out, but compared to a few years later I have more in just a year than those seven, even allowing that early memories are lost even in childhood. The later stuff, I "forget" now and then, but it's just out of mind, I can remember everything.

As far as "blocked/recovere d memories" go, evidence is mixed. The pendulum is swinging very cautiously back. My thought is that it will likely be found to exist and not so rarely, but mainly in younger children and that cases must be very very carefully evaluated, memory is amazingly easy to manipulate. Honestly, it really fucks with the court system, eyewitness testimony has huge weight...but best to go with the camera.

Personally, I have my suspicions, but really have no idea who got ahold of me when I was young. I.e it looks like Gpa when I look at what triggers me...but it could have been a great uncle, neighbor, etc that was similar and around the house on holidays. less

Yes, for me it did affect my relationship and sex. My current partner and I had several years of struggling with it. He helped and I turned into a disaster. I let it get to me so much that I stayed sick for a couple of years and developed a nasty little health problem which is gone for about 7 months now! But, it was hard. The hardest thing ever. My biggest problem with it and sex was "flashbacks". My partner and I would be in the car at night and many times we would be in the middle of it when I get these terrible images! I started having anxiety and anxiety attacks after the "incident" and those happened during sex too. It's embarrassing. Ever since the last time it happened, we've never had sex in the dark. The sex was honestly not the worst of it. It was my health and relationship and mind that suffer the most. For the past year I've came a HUGE long way, but before it was a daily nightmare. We seen the rapist out 4 times after it happened and each time I had anxiety attacks and freaked for days. I would watch closely because I was afraid he would come find me.

My partner has been amazing with it. He does SO much to help. After it happened, I started feeling terrible about myself and lost all confidence. I honestly hated myself. I started feeling like I was no good and started having crazy paranoid worries about my partner's feelings for me. I thought it would ruin us. I've gained a lot of confidence back, but that thought is ALWAYS there. My biggest problem with myself is my stomach and chest because he bit me and I still have scars from it. The scars are usually not noticeable just by glancing down at myself, but when I see them it brings up crazy thoughts for a couple of days. There's a lot of things that trigger those days where I feel like he's close. He lives on the same mountain that I do, but I've only seen him 4 times. I quit driving alone after that and to this day, I have only driven in my car alone at night maybe 6 times.

When I would see my car (which has nothing to do with the rapist) in my driveway it felt like he was in there. I don't have a clue where that came from, but for a long time I hated even driving it. When it first happened, it felt like he was in my bedroom all the time. I guess I have an over active mind, but I really freaked.

The worst part for me is how much I changed. I'm glad to have the good parts about me now like my taking action against all kinds of abuse like rape, but it changed how I look at myself and how I feel about myself. That and the worries about him finding me and doing something or the "flashbacks" are what's been the hardest when having a relationship. I don't believe many people would have dealt with it with me, but my partner still does. less