living with your abuser after the abuse. TRIGGER WARNING.

I am very suspicious of counselors who need to know every detail of the abuse or who want to focus ONLY on the abuse. These counselors need... counseling. I don't agree that abreaction (experiencing the fear and feelings of the abuse all over again) have any place in the therapeutic venue. Therapy can certainly focus in some ways on the abuse, but hyper-focusing on the abuse is not to the benefit of the person seeking help. I know we may have to agree to disagree about this.

The therapists who helped me with this issue did Gestalt therapy, and the abuse was part of many things I worked on. They also focused on many other things other than the abuse, and that was to my benefit. I was never asked for details and I didn't feel I needed to give great detail. I feel they did the right thing in a therapeutic venue.

The work I did made me a stronger person in full. I do not consider myself either a "victim" nor am I a "survivor" as it's basically the same thing. I am just me, and the abuser did NOT make me who I am, nor contribute nor detract from who I am. I refuse to give him that distinction and place of focus in my adult life. It was something that happened to me not who I am.

I needed and wanted to move beyond the abuse, and it was BY FAR not the most interesting thing that ever happened to me, nor something I wanted to spend years discussing, nor is it my identity. It was dealt with well, but efficiently. Then I moved on and LIVED!

I have moved on fully and experience life to the fullest and rarely think of the abuse at all anymore. I don't think that would be the case if I had been forced to go through every single feeling again. I DID have a few abreations, but it happened spontaneously, it was not brought on by therapeutic methods.

As you can see, people have some pretty strong feelings on this issue, and we may not all agree on the best therapy. But, perhaps we all need something slightly different to heal.


The person who hurt me no longer has ANY hold on me or my life. That is the end result of quality therapy, as far as my life is concerned.

My therapists worked to help me deal with the issue and the best thing was I moved on and now live fear free! less

I relate to most of this and agree. When it comes to abusers that you can't easily "cut out" of your life, it gets complicated. It's easy to get locked into patterns of abuse and not even see it. Even if you do recognize it, how do you escape? If you don't know your abuser it is very easy to villainize them. People that are close to you, well, you realize their complexity. You remember the abuse, but you also remember the good times. You love your family, and of course, you may cling to those good times.

To be honest, I'm not one to offer advice. I still seek both of my parents' approval relentlessly, though I try to kid myself about it. No matter how many times I am hurt by them, I continue to seek that approval. And yes, I recall all of the wonderful things they've shared with me and allow those memories to eclipse the very, very real damage they have caused and continue to cause.

I am still struggling to create boundaries in my familial relationships. To find a way to love them and honor them while still protecting myself. I think everyone has to find a strategy and a balance that is right for them. As P'Gell said, it'll be different for everyone, and there is nothing wrong with that. I want you to know that I really, really feel for you. Hell, do you Skype? Maybe we could chat or instant message or email if it sounds like something you'd be into. I can't offer you definite solution, but I can at least nod my head while you speak and tell you honestly that I understand. less

i'm posting this just trying to see if anyone has similar experiences and-or advice.

my father was very physically and emotionally abusive when i was a kid. i've blocked out alot of the things that happened. tonight i was speaking with my younger sister, who is really the only person i can talk to about it with, though we rarely talk about it. my mother denies it ever happened, and denied it during it. my older sister would never admit it either, and would accuse me of being psychotic if i brought it up.

my baby sis revealed to me some things i never knew that were even more shocking. it stirred up alot of old emotions.


once i moved out of the house at 18 things got much better between me and my parents. he never hit me again. the mental abuse slowed to a screeching, as i could simply get in my car and leave when he started being an asshole. also, by heading to college and meeting new people who treated eachother as normal individuals, his behavior to me seemed so radical and abnormal, i became stronger towards it.


nowadays i have tried to mend my relationship with my parents. they were still very controlling of my behavior until i was financially free of them. they're incredibly manipulative and love to guilt trip me.

i really want them in my life. i go back and forth between trying to mend things and simply mourning the loss of the relationship that could never be.

i've also recently sought counseling, for it has finally began to surface that i very well may have completely blocked out sexual abuse by my father. this has been coming out for years but i've been in denial. things are coming to a head.



my question is, have any of you ever had to keep your abuser in your life? is it possible to fix the relationship? have you ever confronted the abuser and laid out on the table all the things that hurt you, and given them a chance to say they're sorry?


i tried 2 years ago to do what i'd wanted to since i was 12. block them out forever.

i moved to italy on the pretense of a self discovering journey. deep down i know it was to escape my parents. my oppressive, manipulative, mind fucking family.

they guilt tripped me constantly while i was gone. i came home. and they ignore me. it really fucking sucks.

my extended family is pretty close. i know for me it would not break my heart to simply cut them out. forever.

it would be so much easier if i could simply see them as completely good intentioned, or completely malicious. either make up or write them off.

what to do?


thanks for listening. less

"my question is, have any of you ever had to keep your abuser in your life? is it possible to fix the relationship? have you ever confronted the abuser and laid out on the table all the things that hurt you, and given them a chance to say they're sorry?"


I never had to keep that person in my life, and I never tried to fix the relationship or confront them about it. I did, however, keep someone in my life who knew something was going on, but blocked it out and stayed in denial because it was too difficult for them to deal with. These are all such personal choices, it's very hard to say what's best for any particular situation.

I'm so proud of you for choosing to start counseling, that is a HUGE step and I hope you will be able to explore some of these questions more thoroughly with your therapist.

I watched a documentary a while back called "Awful Normal" (if you search for it you should be able to find it online, I think I watched it on Netflix, but maybe Documentary Heaven might have it as well). It chronicles the journey of a young woman, and her sister, who were molested during childhood, and whose parents were also in denial about it. She decides to look up and confront the abuser, and along the way many other secrets come out. The ending isn't necessarily full of resolution, but it does chronicle her personal journey in dealing with this.

The most important thing is to figure out what exactly you want to accomplish with the confrontation, and to more or less know how you will feel if everything (or anything) is denied resolutely to your face. You may need to do some confronting to further your healing process, or you may not. Whatever you decide will be the right answer for you. I wish you peace and strength in your journey. less

I wish I had a solution for you. In my family, my mother is/was the abuser. After many years of trying to work things out, I finally just shut her out of my life. Like you, I got the guilt trips and emotional abuse. I tried many times, but finally gave up on trying to reconcile things with her.

Indiglo's advice is really good. Try to get your feelings out in the open and let them know how you really feel. Be honest, and make yourself heard. I also applaud the fact that you are getting counseling. Professional advice will serve you well. I can only offer my own experience, and that didn't turn out so well.

I really hope things work out better for you. I know this doesn't really help you, but I know what you're going through. For me, it boiled down to a choice: live with the abuse or leave the abuser. I had to leave. I know I'm better off now, but it sucks that we couldn't work it out.

You have my sympathy and support, and I hope the best for you. less

Oh hun, I'm so sorry that you had to suffer like that! I was molested multiple times as a child by people very close to me( a male and a female). Then, I was raped again as a teenager by a stranger.

My relationship with the persons that hurt me is non-existent. I just don't have the desire or willpower to be close to people who knowingly hurt me and knew it was wrong. You are very brave for talking about your abuse, and I applaud you for seeking professional help over these issues.

Your intentions are very good for wanting to reestablish a proper relationship with your parents, but if they aren't willing to fess up to what they did and go the extra distance to reconnect with you, then it is something that you cannot force. I really wish I had a good answer for you, but I'm afraid I do not.

I am so sorry and I hope you get the proper support you need and deserve. You can PM me anytime if you ever want to talk; it really does help talking to people who've been through similar issues.

It is such a shame how so many of us here have been abused, but at least we all have each other for support. less

I spammed that fucker to!

Anyhow, My sister and I were sexually abused by my grandfather. Who actually sexually abused my mother, so yes I do have some kind of experience with this. Actually he was the only grand parent who gave a damn about me. However I would never ever want to fix anything unless it was his funeral(not that I want to put him there).

Family issues like this can be hard to decide what to do. You have to decide if you want to see him. If you want a relationship with your mother who chooses to deny what she knows is true.

I know that it is going to be hard, however really I think that it is unhealthy to try to fix anything or have anything to do with such a family. I forgave my mother for what she did. In all fairness she knew full damn well what he did to her, it was only a matter of time before it happened to us. However my mother has no contact now with her father as do neither of us. He tries to write us letters saying how GOD has saved him and BLAHBLAH whatever I do not want to hear it and neither do any of us.

I think it would be healthier for you to leave him out of your life and if that means cutting off your family because they choose his side over yours. Then they are not very good family and you can make a better one.

Good luck in you choice. *Hugs* Lots of love to you I know it is hard choice to make! less

I had to cut my abusers out of my life for the sake of my kids...my son has never even met them. Sometimes you have to decide whether you love yourself enough to walk away from abuse. It is seductive and family abusers trade on the whole 'you have to love me because I am family' wheeze...problem is you do.
Do I ache for my parents? Sure I do, but I don't miss the guilt trips, interference in my marriage/partnerships, the negative feedback and outright nastiness a bit. I am not the cause of their troubles and I can't be the cure.
Confrontation only works when there is a sincere desire to move on, this rarely happens though. It is hard to break a lifetime of habits and thought patterns and I have found abusive people are weirdly invested in making YOU change even if that change is actually bad for everyone involved.
Get yourself mentally and emotionally well and let go of the crutch of needing abuse to feel validated, trust me I am not attacking with that statement I am empathising....I have these same feelings but I realize they stem from a feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with me and I need my parents approval/love/support. The real truth is they are sick and need time and/or distance to get themselves well. You and I can neither cure them nor provide comfort so we shouldn't try. All we can do is make sure we break the cycle and let healing begin inside ourselves.
You are an amazing person and you can be the parent for yourself that you need. less

I made the choice 3 weeks after my 25th birthday to hang up on my father one day while he was screaming at me on the phone at my office. That was the last time I spoke to him (actually second to last...he called to tell me my grandfather was dying a year or so later but it was a 2 sentence conversation). He is incredibly charming and financially generous...he has to be to cover up the level of clinical sociopath and honestly just the manipulative abusive monster that he is.

My father was physically abusive on and off while I was a child and I have blocked most of that out. I remember him holding me up by my throat against a window while he was throwing me out of his house once -why? because he found out I 'let' my boyfriend at the time hit me and he was ashamed of his daughter being so weak. Crazy much? But I personally find physical abuse heals better and faster for me though than the emotional scars he left behind. Those are the ones I'm still dealing with. He could twist any situation or conversation around to make him the good or right one, manipulate me into whatever he wanted, and basically just used me as a trophy daughter when convenient; an emotional and mental whipping post when inconvenient. Twenty-five years of not being good enough, being called fat, stupid, worthless, and a constant disappointment (none of which I was) were simply enough one day. I'd spent three periods of time away from him previously and in that time, saw how 'normal' people function in a healthy relationship through my mom and her boyfriend (now common law husband). This is probably somewhat like what you experienced when you went to college and were exposed to something different for the first time. But he is my dad and I loved him and because of the mindfuck he'd been pulling my entire life, I still wanted to be accepted and approved of by him - something I know now will NEVER happen. So I repeatedly went back.

And with gifts, false love, and extreme mental manipulation, he'd get me back on 'his' side. Because he needed a child to show off at the time or someone had accused him of being a bad parent and appeasing me was his way of showing them up. He always had to be in control of everything and anything around him which included every facet of my life. He had my phone line in his house tapped when I moved back in for a few months when I was 18, and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

He would keep his claws just far enough in me that he could pull guilt trips for things I'd been given or threaten to take things away, but far enough out of reach that I never had a true relationship with him or any actual parental closeness or approval. He's also made threats on me that while they *should* have been reported, I didn't realize HOW wrong what he was doing at the time and I didn't fully understand that he is in fact a severely sociopathic man until later on - meaning I didn't know at the time just how dangerous he was. He cannot see right vs wrong on the same level as healthy people - if he can rationalize something (abuse, crime, etc.) to himself as right, it's right, even though he knows if someone else were to do it, it would clearly be wrong.

The fact that he's in denial of being a raging alcoholic as well doesn't help. My mom actually has told me over the last few years how severe his behavior was because of that when I was younger and I basically have NO recollection of him between the time I was 2 and 10 (the times he was at his worst) meaning it has been blocked out. Occasionally I will remember certain things but my mind clearly doesn't want to deal with it and my mom did her best to protect me from who he was.

I TRIED to keep him in my life. Because he's my father, because in some ways I'm just like him, because I have so little family to begin with, because it seems, culturally, like the right thing to do. I let him back in 3 times, he would swear he'd changed, and within weeks would be back to controlling my life through financial means and manipulating my mind and emotions so that I was too weak or felt too worthless to get away from him.

So on August 20th, 2007, when he was screaming at me telling me I had embarrassed him at MY 25th birthday party where he was falling down drunk and calling my husband's family white trash (btw, the supposed embarrassment was based on the seating arrangements), I yelled back. For the first. time. EVER. While it actually seemed to impact him and his voice quieted down just a bit, he said he'd call me soon and I hung up on him. I figured we'd cool off and go back to this stupid game we play and I'd get a brief break from the abuse until he suckered me back in or until I missed him enough to go back.

But it never happened. He never came back looking for me. He doesn't love me - and that's not a statement based in pity or self-doubt, it's a statement based in psychology - he CAN'T love me. He's not fully capable of such emotions and bonds. And I haven't needed him. Do I miss him? So much some days it hurts. Because until I fully realized what he was and while my mind could push the bad stuff far away from me, I was daddy's little girl. But the freedom is worth it. Time passed, I didn't give it much thought because all of our other 'time outs' had been caused by HUGE fights, slamming doors, etc. but basically as time went on, I got stronger, I moved on, came more into my own and just....lived. Around 27 or so I did make the choice to never go back. Because if I'd gone 2 years and my life was so much less painful and so much less unencumbered by him, there was no reason for me to go back. It was a long overdue decision that I had to come to in my own time, and base partly in logic and partly in emotion. Does he bring good to my life when he's in it? Yes, but very little. Does he bring bad? Very much so. He makes me doubt myself, dislike myself, accept hurt and abuse because he makes it feel deserved. The little bit of positive is so greatly outweighed by the negative that once I spent enough time out of the situation, it was a clear choice. And that is what it was - a choice. I CHOSE to get away from him and everyday, even when I miss my daddy, I CHOOSE to stay away. Because I deserve to be surrounded by love and to feel free and not be hurt in any way by any person - even if genetically I am half of them. Blood only goes so far with me - it's the people that really love you and know you that I now call family.

My guess for you? You'll come to the same point. Whether it is by time and logic, or whether it is by blowout fight and harsh words, one day it will just be ENOUGH. Do I recommend you try to keep him in your life? NO. But I also know that having someone tell you just to get out or get away isn't helpful. Chances are, he will never change. You will never have a healthy or happy relationship, and you will be a happier better stronger person when he's not in your life. But you have to CHOOSE to get there. If you choose to use therapy as an assist, that's great and will help you get there and come to peace with it but they can't make the decision for you.

If you need anything, please feel free to message me. I've been in very similar shoes. less