im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im not sure what do to. can anyone help??
My wife isnt very good....
SilkyJohnson
09/13/2009
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Quote:
I'm not an expert but have had my own problems. She isn't good or not having fun? There are so many reasons why interest can be lost. Some of the factors I've found are stress, time, eneregy, overall health, just plain old crap in your head you can't let go. I have a poor image of myself, I'm under a huge amount of stress and just forgot how to have fun. She needs to remember. She needs to trust. You can try all the toys, porn......all you want but if her head is not in the right place it won't work. You need to help her find out what is wrong. Then you can come up with a plan. Good Luck.
Originally posted by
SilkyJohnson
im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im
...
more
im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im not sure what do to. can anyone help??
less
09/14/2009
I think that not being "good" is the fault of both partners. If you are not enjoying yourself, it is your responsibility to communicate with your partner what it is that you like and don't like and for the two of you to come up with a game plan of things that you both will enjoy. Are there certain techniques that you like? Tell your wife what they are. Or better yet, if you can, show her on yourself or on a toy. Hopefully the two of you can come up with something that will make your sex life more satisfying for both of you.
09/14/2009
SilkyJohnson
Quote:
Very true what you said, we've been married for only a few months now and i was hoping that we would want to be all up on each other, but like u said maybe her mind is somewhere else. I try my best to let her know that she can tell me anything so hopefully she is.
Originally posted by
Heather
I'm not an expert but have had my own problems. She isn't good or not having fun? There are so many reasons why interest can be lost. Some of the factors I've found are stress, time, eneregy, overall health, just plain old crap in your
...
more
I'm not an expert but have had my own problems. She isn't good or not having fun? There are so many reasons why interest can be lost. Some of the factors I've found are stress, time, eneregy, overall health, just plain old crap in your head you can't let go. I have a poor image of myself, I'm under a huge amount of stress and just forgot how to have fun. She needs to remember. She needs to trust. You can try all the toys, porn......all you want but if her head is not in the right place it won't work. You need to help her find out what is wrong. Then you can come up with a plan. Good Luck.
less
09/14/2009
Quote:
You say you've only been married a few months. I'm guessing you're both pretty young. And that she, maybe both of you, are inexperienced.
Originally posted by
SilkyJohnson
Very true what you said, we've been married for only a few months now and i was hoping that we would want to be all up on each other, but like u said maybe her mind is somewhere else. I try my best to let her know that she can tell me anything so
...
more
Very true what you said, we've been married for only a few months now and i was hoping that we would want to be all up on each other, but like u said maybe her mind is somewhere else. I try my best to let her know that she can tell me anything so hopefully she is.
less
Give it time!
Great Symphonys don't just happen. It takes time and practice. When I was young I would say no to so many things I say yes to now. And I'm sure I probably wasn't that good either. My husband was patient and he was a great lover, though he's gotten even better. The more he pleased me the more I wanted to please him. Time and patience took care of the trust that I needed to have in him to open up.
I'm 50 now and he's 53. We will be married 25 years this coming Sunday and we dated and lived together for 7 years previously to that. Our sex life is now awesome! It took a lot of work sexually and non-sexually to get where we are. It doesn't just happen. I never tried a sex toy or masturbation until my mid 20's. Let me tell you the list goes on. But I think you get the idea.
If you love her and are committed to her, be patient and slowly bring her out and teach her. It will happen.
09/15/2009
Definitely give it time. You also should just talk about what you're both interested in sexually in a totally non-threatening setting. Discuss your interests and fantasies and see what she wants as well. Maybe ask her to look at toys she would be interested in, maybe get a book about sex/sexuality. Once you've got a good communication going then maybe she'll be more receptive to broadening her sexual horizons...maybe not, but it's worth the shot. You may also find she's just got other stuff on her mind right now and in time that may change too.
09/15/2009
I'm sorry to say, but I must admit, that posts like this make me sad. Maybe I'm just "old-fashioned" but I'm of the firm belief that marriage is for life. I don't know how long you've known each other, but obviously you both loved each other enough to get married, and agree to spend your lives together. And now, after only a few months, you're already deciding that you're going to "cheat on her or break up with her"?!?!?! I'm shocked! Do you really want to throw away everything you feel for her, because you currently feel unsatisfied, instead of fixing it, so you can both be satisfied?
The first thing you need to understand is that marriage is not a fairy-tale suited to pander all of your desires. It is instead a commitment between two people to live their lives in devotion to one another. That means you devote yourself to her, and in turn, she to you. When you don't get exactly what you want, you don't just say "screw this... I'll get it somewhere else." Instead, you should consider expressing your desires and concerns directly to your wife, so that the two of you can work through them together! When the two of you can do this effectively, you'll always end up with a stronger relationship between the two of you, as well as a deeper trust, better communication, and a closer bond to the one you love.
There are a few things to consider in a situation like this. First is communication. Do the two of you have open lines of communication, where you feel comfortable telling each other ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in truth? If not, start there. It'll go a long way to establish trust that will make her feel more comfortable, as well as open avenues for discussion about things like your sexual frustration. PLEASE NOTE THOUGH... I am NOT suggesting that you just go marching into a room and tell her how you think she sucks in the sack. I'm talking about encouraging and tactful conversation in a non-threatening, and non-accusatory environment. Communication used effectively can be one of the best building blocks for your relationship... but used incorrectly, can quickly lead to a bottled-up and resentful spouse with no desire to be amorous, or cater to your wants and needs.
Additionally, the best way to GET a good spouse, is to BE a good spouse. Even if it's difficult at the time, and especially when you don't want to, that's when it's most important for you to demonstrate what a good spouse is. The more you do it, the more it'll be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point the finger, or play the blame game, or call you a bad spouse. Everyone has their moments. Lord knows I've had mine! We all make mistakes, and that's part of marriage. It's what we do with them that makes a great marriage or a failed one though.
Once you two have established the communication, the bond, the selfless attitudes, and the devotion to one another, things like your sexual frustration WILL be taken care of. You'll be able to easily talk about it, you'll have the desire to suit her needs (once you know what they are), and she yours. NewMe gave some great advice in her post, so I won't go retyping all of it, but be aware that these things do take time! And when you stick with it, the time spent is WELL WORTH IT!
Don't think of it as being let down now... instead think of this time as a time of learning experience. You are still learning about her and what she likes, and she about you. As you learn and explore each other together, things will get better.... better than you could ever imagine.... and DEFINITELY better than someone new each time you are let down.
Sorry this got so long-winded... I'll step off my soapbox now.
The first thing you need to understand is that marriage is not a fairy-tale suited to pander all of your desires. It is instead a commitment between two people to live their lives in devotion to one another. That means you devote yourself to her, and in turn, she to you. When you don't get exactly what you want, you don't just say "screw this... I'll get it somewhere else." Instead, you should consider expressing your desires and concerns directly to your wife, so that the two of you can work through them together! When the two of you can do this effectively, you'll always end up with a stronger relationship between the two of you, as well as a deeper trust, better communication, and a closer bond to the one you love.
There are a few things to consider in a situation like this. First is communication. Do the two of you have open lines of communication, where you feel comfortable telling each other ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in truth? If not, start there. It'll go a long way to establish trust that will make her feel more comfortable, as well as open avenues for discussion about things like your sexual frustration. PLEASE NOTE THOUGH... I am NOT suggesting that you just go marching into a room and tell her how you think she sucks in the sack. I'm talking about encouraging and tactful conversation in a non-threatening, and non-accusatory environment. Communication used effectively can be one of the best building blocks for your relationship... but used incorrectly, can quickly lead to a bottled-up and resentful spouse with no desire to be amorous, or cater to your wants and needs.
Additionally, the best way to GET a good spouse, is to BE a good spouse. Even if it's difficult at the time, and especially when you don't want to, that's when it's most important for you to demonstrate what a good spouse is. The more you do it, the more it'll be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point the finger, or play the blame game, or call you a bad spouse. Everyone has their moments. Lord knows I've had mine! We all make mistakes, and that's part of marriage. It's what we do with them that makes a great marriage or a failed one though.
Once you two have established the communication, the bond, the selfless attitudes, and the devotion to one another, things like your sexual frustration WILL be taken care of. You'll be able to easily talk about it, you'll have the desire to suit her needs (once you know what they are), and she yours. NewMe gave some great advice in her post, so I won't go retyping all of it, but be aware that these things do take time! And when you stick with it, the time spent is WELL WORTH IT!
Don't think of it as being let down now... instead think of this time as a time of learning experience. You are still learning about her and what she likes, and she about you. As you learn and explore each other together, things will get better.... better than you could ever imagine.... and DEFINITELY better than someone new each time you are let down.
Sorry this got so long-winded... I'll step off my soapbox now.
09/15/2009
SilkyJohnson
Quote:
no no i said that i definitely was NOT going to cheat on her or break up with her... sorry for the miscommunication
Originally posted by
LiftedUp
I'm sorry to say, but I must admit, that posts like this make me sad. Maybe I'm just "old-fashioned" but I'm of the firm belief that marriage is for life. I don't know how long you've known each other, but obviously
...
more
I'm sorry to say, but I must admit, that posts like this make me sad. Maybe I'm just "old-fashioned" but I'm of the firm belief that marriage is for life. I don't know how long you've known each other, but obviously you both loved each other enough to get married, and agree to spend your lives together. And now, after only a few months, you're already deciding that you're going to "cheat on her or break up with her"?!?!?! I'm shocked! Do you really want to throw away everything you feel for her, because you currently feel unsatisfied, instead of fixing it, so you can both be satisfied?
The first thing you need to understand is that marriage is not a fairy-tale suited to pander all of your desires. It is instead a commitment between two people to live their lives in devotion to one another. That means you devote yourself to her, and in turn, she to you. When you don't get exactly what you want, you don't just say "screw this... I'll get it somewhere else." Instead, you should consider expressing your desires and concerns directly to your wife, so that the two of you can work through them together! When the two of you can do this effectively, you'll always end up with a stronger relationship between the two of you, as well as a deeper trust, better communication, and a closer bond to the one you love.
There are a few things to consider in a situation like this. First is communication. Do the two of you have open lines of communication, where you feel comfortable telling each other ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in truth? If not, start there. It'll go a long way to establish trust that will make her feel more comfortable, as well as open avenues for discussion about things like your sexual frustration. PLEASE NOTE THOUGH... I am NOT suggesting that you just go marching into a room and tell her how you think she sucks in the sack. I'm talking about encouraging and tactful conversation in a non-threatening, and non-accusatory environment. Communication used effectively can be one of the best building blocks for your relationship... but used incorrectly, can quickly lead to a bottled-up and resentful spouse with no desire to be amorous, or cater to your wants and needs.
Additionally, the best way to GET a good spouse, is to BE a good spouse. Even if it's difficult at the time, and especially when you don't want to, that's when it's most important for you to demonstrate what a good spouse is. The more you do it, the more it'll be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point the finger, or play the blame game, or call you a bad spouse. Everyone has their moments. Lord knows I've had mine! We all make mistakes, and that's part of marriage. It's what we do with them that makes a great marriage or a failed one though.
Once you two have established the communication, the bond, the selfless attitudes, and the devotion to one another, things like your sexual frustration WILL be taken care of. You'll be able to easily talk about it, you'll have the desire to suit her needs (once you know what they are), and she yours. NewMe gave some great advice in her post, so I won't go retyping all of it, but be aware that these things do take time! And when you stick with it, the time spent is WELL WORTH IT!
Don't think of it as being let down now... instead think of this time as a time of learning experience. You are still learning about her and what she likes, and she about you. As you learn and explore each other together, things will get better.... better than you could ever imagine.... and DEFINITELY better than someone new each time you are let down.
Sorry this got so long-winded... I'll step off my soapbox now. less
The first thing you need to understand is that marriage is not a fairy-tale suited to pander all of your desires. It is instead a commitment between two people to live their lives in devotion to one another. That means you devote yourself to her, and in turn, she to you. When you don't get exactly what you want, you don't just say "screw this... I'll get it somewhere else." Instead, you should consider expressing your desires and concerns directly to your wife, so that the two of you can work through them together! When the two of you can do this effectively, you'll always end up with a stronger relationship between the two of you, as well as a deeper trust, better communication, and a closer bond to the one you love.
There are a few things to consider in a situation like this. First is communication. Do the two of you have open lines of communication, where you feel comfortable telling each other ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in truth? If not, start there. It'll go a long way to establish trust that will make her feel more comfortable, as well as open avenues for discussion about things like your sexual frustration. PLEASE NOTE THOUGH... I am NOT suggesting that you just go marching into a room and tell her how you think she sucks in the sack. I'm talking about encouraging and tactful conversation in a non-threatening, and non-accusatory environment. Communication used effectively can be one of the best building blocks for your relationship... but used incorrectly, can quickly lead to a bottled-up and resentful spouse with no desire to be amorous, or cater to your wants and needs.
Additionally, the best way to GET a good spouse, is to BE a good spouse. Even if it's difficult at the time, and especially when you don't want to, that's when it's most important for you to demonstrate what a good spouse is. The more you do it, the more it'll be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point the finger, or play the blame game, or call you a bad spouse. Everyone has their moments. Lord knows I've had mine! We all make mistakes, and that's part of marriage. It's what we do with them that makes a great marriage or a failed one though.
Once you two have established the communication, the bond, the selfless attitudes, and the devotion to one another, things like your sexual frustration WILL be taken care of. You'll be able to easily talk about it, you'll have the desire to suit her needs (once you know what they are), and she yours. NewMe gave some great advice in her post, so I won't go retyping all of it, but be aware that these things do take time! And when you stick with it, the time spent is WELL WORTH IT!
Don't think of it as being let down now... instead think of this time as a time of learning experience. You are still learning about her and what she likes, and she about you. As you learn and explore each other together, things will get better.... better than you could ever imagine.... and DEFINITELY better than someone new each time you are let down.
Sorry this got so long-winded... I'll step off my soapbox now. less
09/15/2009
Quote:
Oh... so sorry!! My fault. I misread that first line! Good to know that you're not going to give up!!
Originally posted by
SilkyJohnson
no no i said that i definitely was NOT going to cheat on her or break up with her... sorry for the miscommunication
I guess just disregard what I said about "giving up"... but the rest of what I wrote still very much applies to any marriage, and making it work.
Hope it helps, and sorry for the confusion!
09/15/2009
I'm curious if your lack of sexual satisfaction happened only after you were married? How were things prior to marriage?
Also following up on the post of LiftedUp, did you per-chance tell her that she sucked at sex? Communicating your overall dissatisfaction could very well made her feel totally sexually insecure.
Sexual satisfaction takes work with both time and patience.
Also following up on the post of LiftedUp, did you per-chance tell her that she sucked at sex? Communicating your overall dissatisfaction could very well made her feel totally sexually insecure.
Sexual satisfaction takes work with both time and patience.
09/15/2009
Ditto what Liz2 said "Sexual satisfaction takes work with both time and patience."
Does your wife have low libido or health problems that could have in impact on her sexual health? That would need to be taken into consideration.
The best thing to do is communicate. As long as there isn't any other issues going on, I'm sure she wants to have a healthy sexual relationship as much as you do.
Does your wife have low libido or health problems that could have in impact on her sexual health? That would need to be taken into consideration.
The best thing to do is communicate. As long as there isn't any other issues going on, I'm sure she wants to have a healthy sexual relationship as much as you do.
09/15/2009
I know when I'm not interested in sex for whatever reason it's usually because I feel that there's something lagging up the communication between us. Also if I feel there is not a completely secure environment then I won't be very interested in anything sexual. But it sounds like you're trying very hard to make her feel secure and work things out. I definitely give you an A+ for trying!
Another thing that could be a possibility is that her health might be a factor. There is a lot of health issues that can cause lack of sexual interest. So, I would look at all aspects. The most important thing you can do is LISTEN to her and be understanding.
Another side note, I've been married for quite some time and it wasn't until recently that I finally gave in to my husband's many requests for toys. That was actually what led me here. I had a big hang up with toys for years and I didn't know why. I realized that I had much different fantasies that didn't involve toys but definitely BDSM. I was also very concerned about letting out my "dark side". I was raised a good little church girl and so I felt like toys were "off limits". Let me tell you that since I finally gave in, our sex life has dramatically improved! So it could just be a thing that she needs to get worked out within herself. Anyway, hope this helps and sorry for the long winded post! Whatever you do, don't give up!
Another thing that could be a possibility is that her health might be a factor. There is a lot of health issues that can cause lack of sexual interest. So, I would look at all aspects. The most important thing you can do is LISTEN to her and be understanding.
Another side note, I've been married for quite some time and it wasn't until recently that I finally gave in to my husband's many requests for toys. That was actually what led me here. I had a big hang up with toys for years and I didn't know why. I realized that I had much different fantasies that didn't involve toys but definitely BDSM. I was also very concerned about letting out my "dark side". I was raised a good little church girl and so I felt like toys were "off limits". Let me tell you that since I finally gave in, our sex life has dramatically improved! So it could just be a thing that she needs to get worked out within herself. Anyway, hope this helps and sorry for the long winded post! Whatever you do, don't give up!
09/15/2009
Talk to her.
If you get frazzled during discussion, write a letter and read it out.
If she tends to miss your points, ask for a summary after you've stated your case.
Consider counseling to help open the lines of communication. A few sessions might be plenty.
If you get frazzled during discussion, write a letter and read it out.
If she tends to miss your points, ask for a summary after you've stated your case.
Consider counseling to help open the lines of communication. A few sessions might be plenty.
09/15/2009
Quote:
I don't really have a suggestion but you have my sympathy. I've been married for 23 years to someone who is on par with your wife. My only consolation is that I knew what I was getting into when I married him.
Originally posted by
SilkyJohnson
im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im
...
more
im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im not sure what do to. can anyone help??
less
Talking can't hurt but doesn't always help. Some people have low libidos, want sex only one way (and briefly at that) and aren't trainable.
09/15/2009
"Takes a deep breath..."
First- this has to be said. You need to turn around the perspective. Is it possible "she is not good in bed, because you are not good in bed?" If you answered in five seconds you didn't think long enough. Maybe you should ask her how happy/satisfied she is with her sex life.
Second - If you are both young, then you may actually want to back away from toys, erotica, and porn. They may be too overwhelming if you never started sex that way. Learn to touch each other and pleasure each other first without other stimuli.
Third - Make sure you have some key non-verbal signals. For example "tapping" on one's body part indicates I don't really like that, please stop. You might discuss with each other what each of your body language is when you are about to come. Do you get all limp and still? or begin to thrash about? One key point (not to be taking to extremes...) If someone likes something, then don't stop- you are actually doing something right.
Fourth - Learn to communicate to her exactly what you love her to do. She no doubt wants to please you, but she may not know how. Ask her how she wants to be touched.
Fifth - Make sure you are taking enough time for foreplay for BOTH of you...
First- this has to be said. You need to turn around the perspective. Is it possible "she is not good in bed, because you are not good in bed?" If you answered in five seconds you didn't think long enough. Maybe you should ask her how happy/satisfied she is with her sex life.
Second - If you are both young, then you may actually want to back away from toys, erotica, and porn. They may be too overwhelming if you never started sex that way. Learn to touch each other and pleasure each other first without other stimuli.
Third - Make sure you have some key non-verbal signals. For example "tapping" on one's body part indicates I don't really like that, please stop. You might discuss with each other what each of your body language is when you are about to come. Do you get all limp and still? or begin to thrash about? One key point (not to be taking to extremes...) If someone likes something, then don't stop- you are actually doing something right.
Fourth - Learn to communicate to her exactly what you love her to do. She no doubt wants to please you, but she may not know how. Ask her how she wants to be touched.
Fifth - Make sure you are taking enough time for foreplay for BOTH of you...
09/15/2009
SilkyJohnson
Quote:
Lol its ok thank u much for the advice
Originally posted by
LiftedUp
Oh... so sorry!! My fault. I misread that first line! Good to know that you're not going to give up!!
I guess just disregard what I said about "giving up"... but the rest of what I wrote still very much applies to any ... more
I guess just disregard what I said about "giving up"... but the rest of what I wrote still very much applies to any ... more
Oh... so sorry!! My fault. I misread that first line! Good to know that you're not going to give up!!
I guess just disregard what I said about "giving up"... but the rest of what I wrote still very much applies to any marriage, and making it work.
Hope it helps, and sorry for the confusion! less
I guess just disregard what I said about "giving up"... but the rest of what I wrote still very much applies to any marriage, and making it work.
Hope it helps, and sorry for the confusion! less
09/15/2009
SilkyJohnson
Patience and communication seems to be the main 2 points. I will most definitely be working on it. Seems like when ur young, you think you know everything about women. Thanks to everyone big time for the intelligent advice.
09/16/2009
SilkyJohnson
But then again when im 80, i dont think i'll figure women out either
09/16/2009
Quote:
Yes, patience and communication are good, but so is a thing called LEARNING. You two obviously just have to learn to be more open-minded and learn to WANT each other, rather than just say that she's bad in bed, or he's bad in bed, or they should be more receptive to what you're into. Honestly, it's not really nice to say that your wife isn't good in bed. You should try to make it so that she wants to do these things with you.
Originally posted by
SilkyJohnson
Patience and communication seems to be the main 2 points. I will most definitely be working on it. Seems like when ur young, you think you know everything about women. Thanks to everyone big time for the intelligent advice.
09/16/2009
Quote:
As a further follow up; too many guys see porn as real sex. It is erotic, enjoyable but not "real". Your wife will not fuck like a porn star and neither will you.
Originally posted by
Sir
Yes, patience and communication are good, but so is a thing called LEARNING. You two obviously just have to learn to be more open-minded and learn to WANT each other, rather than just say that she's bad in bed, or he's bad in bed, or they
...
more
Yes, patience and communication are good, but so is a thing called LEARNING. You two obviously just have to learn to be more open-minded and learn to WANT each other, rather than just say that she's bad in bed, or he's bad in bed, or they should be more receptive to what you're into. Honestly, it's not really nice to say that your wife isn't good in bed. You should try to make it so that she wants to do these things with you.
less
09/16/2009
Quote:
I agree.
Originally posted by
Liz2
As a further follow up; too many guys see porn as real sex. It is erotic, enjoyable but not "real". Your wife will not fuck like a porn star and neither will you.
09/16/2009
Quote:
Wow DBD think that advice is pretty good! I think I'll be able to use some of it like the non-verbal signals. Funny, I also think my boyfriend might get discouraged when I suddenly "go all limp". I should check that out with him. That would be a seriously big miscommunication blunder.
Originally posted by
Dragon
"Takes a deep breath..."
First- this has to be said. You need to turn around the perspective. Is it possible "she is not good in bed, because you are not good in bed?" If you answered in five seconds you didn't think ... more
First- this has to be said. You need to turn around the perspective. Is it possible "she is not good in bed, because you are not good in bed?" If you answered in five seconds you didn't think ... more
"Takes a deep breath..."
First- this has to be said. You need to turn around the perspective. Is it possible "she is not good in bed, because you are not good in bed?" If you answered in five seconds you didn't think long enough. Maybe you should ask her how happy/satisfied she is with her sex life.
Second - If you are both young, then you may actually want to back away from toys, erotica, and porn. They may be too overwhelming if you never started sex that way. Learn to touch each other and pleasure each other first without other stimuli.
Third - Make sure you have some key non-verbal signals. For example "tapping" on one's body part indicates I don't really like that, please stop. You might discuss with each other what each of your body language is when you are about to come. Do you get all limp and still? or begin to thrash about? One key point (not to be taking to extremes...) If someone likes something, then don't stop- you are actually doing something right.
Fourth - Learn to communicate to her exactly what you love her to do. She no doubt wants to please you, but she may not know how. Ask her how she wants to be touched.
Fifth - Make sure you are taking enough time for foreplay for BOTH of you... less
First- this has to be said. You need to turn around the perspective. Is it possible "she is not good in bed, because you are not good in bed?" If you answered in five seconds you didn't think long enough. Maybe you should ask her how happy/satisfied she is with her sex life.
Second - If you are both young, then you may actually want to back away from toys, erotica, and porn. They may be too overwhelming if you never started sex that way. Learn to touch each other and pleasure each other first without other stimuli.
Third - Make sure you have some key non-verbal signals. For example "tapping" on one's body part indicates I don't really like that, please stop. You might discuss with each other what each of your body language is when you are about to come. Do you get all limp and still? or begin to thrash about? One key point (not to be taking to extremes...) If someone likes something, then don't stop- you are actually doing something right.
Fourth - Learn to communicate to her exactly what you love her to do. She no doubt wants to please you, but she may not know how. Ask her how she wants to be touched.
Fifth - Make sure you are taking enough time for foreplay for BOTH of you... less
12/04/2009
Quote:
No!!!That was great!!!
Originally posted by
LiftedUp
I'm sorry to say, but I must admit, that posts like this make me sad. Maybe I'm just "old-fashioned" but I'm of the firm belief that marriage is for life. I don't know how long you've known each other, but obviously
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I'm sorry to say, but I must admit, that posts like this make me sad. Maybe I'm just "old-fashioned" but I'm of the firm belief that marriage is for life. I don't know how long you've known each other, but obviously you both loved each other enough to get married, and agree to spend your lives together. And now, after only a few months, you're already deciding that you're going to "cheat on her or break up with her"?!?!?! I'm shocked! Do you really want to throw away everything you feel for her, because you currently feel unsatisfied, instead of fixing it, so you can both be satisfied?
The first thing you need to understand is that marriage is not a fairy-tale suited to pander all of your desires. It is instead a commitment between two people to live their lives in devotion to one another. That means you devote yourself to her, and in turn, she to you. When you don't get exactly what you want, you don't just say "screw this... I'll get it somewhere else." Instead, you should consider expressing your desires and concerns directly to your wife, so that the two of you can work through them together! When the two of you can do this effectively, you'll always end up with a stronger relationship between the two of you, as well as a deeper trust, better communication, and a closer bond to the one you love.
There are a few things to consider in a situation like this. First is communication. Do the two of you have open lines of communication, where you feel comfortable telling each other ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in truth? If not, start there. It'll go a long way to establish trust that will make her feel more comfortable, as well as open avenues for discussion about things like your sexual frustration. PLEASE NOTE THOUGH... I am NOT suggesting that you just go marching into a room and tell her how you think she sucks in the sack. I'm talking about encouraging and tactful conversation in a non-threatening, and non-accusatory environment. Communication used effectively can be one of the best building blocks for your relationship... but used incorrectly, can quickly lead to a bottled-up and resentful spouse with no desire to be amorous, or cater to your wants and needs.
Additionally, the best way to GET a good spouse, is to BE a good spouse. Even if it's difficult at the time, and especially when you don't want to, that's when it's most important for you to demonstrate what a good spouse is. The more you do it, the more it'll be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point the finger, or play the blame game, or call you a bad spouse. Everyone has their moments. Lord knows I've had mine! We all make mistakes, and that's part of marriage. It's what we do with them that makes a great marriage or a failed one though.
Once you two have established the communication, the bond, the selfless attitudes, and the devotion to one another, things like your sexual frustration WILL be taken care of. You'll be able to easily talk about it, you'll have the desire to suit her needs (once you know what they are), and she yours. NewMe gave some great advice in her post, so I won't go retyping all of it, but be aware that these things do take time! And when you stick with it, the time spent is WELL WORTH IT!
Don't think of it as being let down now... instead think of this time as a time of learning experience. You are still learning about her and what she likes, and she about you. As you learn and explore each other together, things will get better.... better than you could ever imagine.... and DEFINITELY better than someone new each time you are let down.
Sorry this got so long-winded... I'll step off my soapbox now. less
The first thing you need to understand is that marriage is not a fairy-tale suited to pander all of your desires. It is instead a commitment between two people to live their lives in devotion to one another. That means you devote yourself to her, and in turn, she to you. When you don't get exactly what you want, you don't just say "screw this... I'll get it somewhere else." Instead, you should consider expressing your desires and concerns directly to your wife, so that the two of you can work through them together! When the two of you can do this effectively, you'll always end up with a stronger relationship between the two of you, as well as a deeper trust, better communication, and a closer bond to the one you love.
There are a few things to consider in a situation like this. First is communication. Do the two of you have open lines of communication, where you feel comfortable telling each other ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in truth? If not, start there. It'll go a long way to establish trust that will make her feel more comfortable, as well as open avenues for discussion about things like your sexual frustration. PLEASE NOTE THOUGH... I am NOT suggesting that you just go marching into a room and tell her how you think she sucks in the sack. I'm talking about encouraging and tactful conversation in a non-threatening, and non-accusatory environment. Communication used effectively can be one of the best building blocks for your relationship... but used incorrectly, can quickly lead to a bottled-up and resentful spouse with no desire to be amorous, or cater to your wants and needs.
Additionally, the best way to GET a good spouse, is to BE a good spouse. Even if it's difficult at the time, and especially when you don't want to, that's when it's most important for you to demonstrate what a good spouse is. The more you do it, the more it'll be reciprocated.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to point the finger, or play the blame game, or call you a bad spouse. Everyone has their moments. Lord knows I've had mine! We all make mistakes, and that's part of marriage. It's what we do with them that makes a great marriage or a failed one though.
Once you two have established the communication, the bond, the selfless attitudes, and the devotion to one another, things like your sexual frustration WILL be taken care of. You'll be able to easily talk about it, you'll have the desire to suit her needs (once you know what they are), and she yours. NewMe gave some great advice in her post, so I won't go retyping all of it, but be aware that these things do take time! And when you stick with it, the time spent is WELL WORTH IT!
Don't think of it as being let down now... instead think of this time as a time of learning experience. You are still learning about her and what she likes, and she about you. As you learn and explore each other together, things will get better.... better than you could ever imagine.... and DEFINITELY better than someone new each time you are let down.
Sorry this got so long-winded... I'll step off my soapbox now. less
12/05/2009
Madam Z
Quote:
I would talk to her in a different setting. Whisper "What turns you on?". Reduce the pressure... start with what turns her on, what are her fantasies... then role play. Meet somewhere and try to pick her up. Have her dress up as the man and meet you somewhere, like 9 1/2 weeks. Rent sexy films... Let her feel like she has the power and dominate you. Next take a class together or pay for one for her and her girlfriends.
Originally posted by
SilkyJohnson
im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im
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im not sure what to do, im definitely not gonna cheat on her or break up with her cause she isnt good in bed but i need some suggestions. she doesnt like toys which i love! and shes not very imaginative or creative. and she says that its not me. im not sure what do to. can anyone help??
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Read literature on women's fantasies to get ideas... Be romantic then introduce things like toys before in a discussion, have her used then on her own then let you watch. Introduce not inflict your sexual frustration on her.
Make this fun.... make it playful. Sex toys means fun. She needs to reach the shift of perception on her own terms. Some toys can be intimidating and be a mental turn off due to society's or moral views. Body image and self consept play a role too. Show her how you perceive her.
How we view sex is largely based on family values, society and the relationships we par take in. In my experience I was curious and ventured out to all girl toy parties, classes, read books, toy stores, poly amorous clubs and strip clubs. For some women this is taboo and reflects badly on them socially. You would be surprised how many people this is new to. So start slow. You may be the sexual blessing she has prayed for to turn her out right and expose her to this fascinating world of pleasure. You lucky dog.
Z
PS
Let every approach be an investment in your relationship.
12/28/2009
Total posts: 24
Unique posters: 17