The New Intimacy

Sex Fail

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Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Awhile ago Saurou started a post about how a "study found that 40 percent of women find sex uninteresting, unsatisfying, or painful but only 12 percent find it upsetting." I tracked the discussion, but did not participate. Some valid points were made.

I'm one of those women that would have said they did not care on a survey. I'm incredibly sexual and have some incredible sexual experiences. I'm open minded to sex in a number of ways. But for years... sex was more than unsatisfying, it wasn't even close. SEX FAIL.

Would you leave a relationship because the sex is not working. I met someone who did. This relationship was lifelong and not one I was going to leave because of sex. So the answer to anyone else was I don't care.

I tried. Tried to communicate. Tried to fix. Tried to change things. For years. SEX FAIL.

When emotions and conversations built too much, and my ability to change things reached the point where I didn't have anything left it took me over 6 months to reach agreement that counseling would help provide some new tools to help improve sex. Now... Now I really don't care about sex. I'm not sure that I even want to try. I've found that my husband is so invested emotionally in sex saying it wasn't working and I wanted to improve has created huge pressure, the details in communicating what I like about sex don't work. Not to mention that I have some serious concerns about emotional stability at the moment. Sex fail for some men, may be too wrapped up in their personality. I wish I had never, ever cared. I've opened Pandora's box from hell by trying to.

If someone says, they don't care about sex... it may be because that is the only defense they truly have in their relationship. Not lack of knowledge.
08/28/2009
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Contributor: Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
Lack of sex is one of the reasons I left a 10 year relationship that included 5 years of marriage. Yes, there were MANY other issues - some more severe than lack of sex, but when he started refusing to have physical connections to me it was the final straw.

I'm sorry things are hard for you DBD. *hugs*
08/28/2009
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
I'm so sorry for you DBD!

I had a marriage like that before I met Alan, and yes I left. It wasn't *just* the sex issues, but also the fact that I got tired of being the only one trying to communicate and make things better.
08/29/2009
Contributor: spicywife spicywife
I'm so sorry, too. Intimacy is important, even if you aren't having sex.
08/29/2009
Contributor: Juliettia Juliettia
Quote:
Originally posted by spicywife
I'm so sorry, too. Intimacy is important, even if you aren't having sex.
I second this.
08/29/2009
Contributor: Femme Mystique Femme Mystique
I don't even know what to say. I'm so sorry, DBD.
08/31/2009
Contributor: ordinaryak ordinaryak
Sometimes latley i feel like this i used to go nuts making up all this fun stuff for us,going out of my way to do the things he would love without taking anything for myself and month after month i just am tierd of it i have gotten to the point that i dont really care about sex. simply becuase ive tried talking to him and he is not ever intrested. he says he is all the time untill its time to actually do it. you can PM me DBD if yowant to talk.
03/03/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Been there, done that. I kicked the no-libido freak out after ten years of being blamed for his low drive and I'm much happier and more mellow now that I'm getting laid. His 'issues' were 'volumes', and he preferred to blame me rather than work on them.

I accepted marriage celibacy and was quite dead; it's easier to lie down and die than fight someone who wants to protect their baggage. It took me years to digest the fact that I didn't have to accept that kind of life. Believe me, I was mad as hell at him for blaming me and at myself to accepting the blame that wasn't mine.

Result - I'm learning everything I should have learned ten+ years ago, but I'm old enough to appreciate it.
03/04/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Dragon
Awhile ago Saurou started a post about how a "study found that 40 percent of women find sex uninteresting, unsatisfying, or painful but only 12 percent find it upsetting." I tracked the discussion, but did not participate. Some valid ... more
I don't know. I've been abandoned because of stuff like this, but it wasn't because I was bad at sex, it was because I was a virgin and didn't know how. Also because I didn't want to do things that he did. Things like that aren't right, are they? This is a good question and post that you've written. I see your point. Not a lot of people will sit down to think about this in their spare time, but really underneath a lot of failing relationships this might have a lot to do with things, like disagreements, failures to get along or care about each other as couples should. It's interesting how sex takes a big effect on a relationship and helps it to either unfold or to perish.
08/15/2010
Contributor: Sera Sera
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
Been there, done that. I kicked the no-libido freak out after ten years of being blamed for his low drive and I'm much happier and more mellow now that I'm getting laid. His 'issues' were 'volumes', and he preferred to blame ... more
You know, that kind of thing has happened to me. People don't want to admit their own mistakes. They like to blame others because of pride. I am glad that now you are learning and are doing better. I know how you feel. Take care.
08/15/2010