You might want to find a counselor who might be able to help with this problem. I don't think you necessarily need a psychiatrist but someone with a bit of training and a good ear for listening might be able to help. Heck even a registered sex therapist could help better than a forum...even one as kind and helpful as ours. This could lead to some serious issues for you if you skip the gyno visits too often because of the speculum. If you aren't too shy you could ask your gyno if he/she has any idea what could be wrong but it does sound like an emotional issue to my untrained eye...keep in mind I AM untrained and perhaps P'Gell might know more.

You could, I suppose, retrain your inclination by slowly helping your boyfriend when he plays with a toy with you. Use plenty of lube to ease insertion and then just start thinking about placing your hand over his and sliding the toy in. Work up to touching him with your finger tips and then farther until you are indeed helping him with your whole hand. If you can then work up to him pulling back and letting you guide the toy in...and from there the skies the limit.

Still I hate to hear you are avoiding the doctor due to the speculum because it is sooooo important you be aware of your health status and keep on top of it. Were it me, I'd seek a psychologist or sex therapist to help. This could be as simple as some early incident that you've forgotten that has made you scared...such as something as simple as seeing the sex act at a young enough age that the moaning sounds like screaming.

TO be honest all therapists are trained to deal with sexual dysfunction. Leaving htis out might rob your therapist of a crucial piece of the puzzle of what is hurting you. Please discuss this with your current therapist and let him/her decide if you need more specialized care. Bring up the idea of a sex therapist and be absolutely sure you are seeing a licensed sex therapist. Either way your current care provider NEEDS this information and won't be squicked out by you volunteering the information. You can even simply write down what you've said to us in a letter, show him/her this forum topic or tape record yourself talking about the subject if it is easier. Your therapist already knows you have issues so this won't be a shock!
Good luck hun

I can't imagine having a body part that so totally freaks me out. How horrible! On the upside I've had three babies vaginally and never once saw them crown or saw my vagina at any point so you can relax on that account. They ask if you want to watch just tell them you aren't interested. You won't have time to worry about what might be going on anyhow. This is a terrible issue to have though I have read case studies of people who wake up one day and their brains tell them that their arm is not really part of their body...or is rotting away even. The limb is perfectly normal but they can't relax until having it amputated in some extreme cases! This seems like a twist on that problem, the part that caught my attention was the physical pain Shy submissive feels that should be looked at by a professional. Either way I'm sure she'll do whatever is best for herself. She is a smart cookie!