How do you?

Contributor: *Country Girl Can Survive* *Country Girl Can Survive*
I have a really hard time fully relaxing during any sort of sexual experience. Its not that I'm bored or not interested; I just feel sometimes my mind wonders to non-relevant things or if I'm by myself I sometimes worry about someone coming in. I just feel as though if I could relax I would feel more comfortable and sometimes be more into it.

Any suggestions?
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Contributor: Naughty Student Naughty Student
Personally, if my mind wonders during sex it's cuz I am not really that into it.

Sometimes I worry that someone might hear my vibrator but then I just reassure myself that I don't care if they hear, maybe it'll incite the neighbor to jack off imagining me masturbating

For me it's just changing what I think about the situation. As soon as I become aware that I am not focused on my/my partners pleasure I clear my mind and focus on the pleasure. Kind of like meditation.

The only thing I can suggest is to refocus. You could play some music maybe that might help. Maybe your mind wonders bcs there hasn't been enough foreplay therefore explaining your lack of relaxing during the experience. Set the atmosphere with candles or anything you like.

If it is a recurring pattern of thought that enters your mind such as tasks/chores that need to be done, make sure they are done before or just settle in your mind before sexual activities that they can be done later so that the thoughts don't interfere. Or before you have sexual activities meditate, do breathing techniques to clear your mind. Tell yourself that your thoughts can invade your head only afterwards.

Well, thats all I can think of, good luck!
Contributor: sry sry
Naughty I can hear upstairs or across the wall somewhere a bed squeak at night but its not a turn on at all. Its everyday 2 times a day they are really busy! Though if I heard a buzzing sound somewhere I would probably think something like my PC would explode. I doubt I would think it was a vibrator right off the bat. Maybe if the bed squeaked and I heard a buzzing sound I would think it would be a vibrator.

LOL Even if it was a vibe I'm not sure which apartment it would be coming from so it could be the hot chick next door or the overweight chick on the second floor. Hmm I wonder if they could hear mine................ Damn not cool lol. Now I'm going to worry I don't want a guy thinking I'm a girl and jerking off to me...
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
This is going to sound awful.. not really to me since I do it all the time- but get drunk then have sex. Seriously. Not to the point where you're going to pass out but enough to take the edge off, where you're not hung up on the little things like body image or what to eat for breakfast- but where you're in the moment thinking "goddamn, this feels good!" ... Alcohol is in no way a cure all and I'm not trying to promote substances but alcohol helps me to relax and calm down. It saves me from thinking and ultimately, saves the mood.
Contributor: Sammi Sammi
Are you worried about kids or roommates coming in? I don't have a roommate worry, but with the kids I do sometimes. We wait till they're asleep and put up a gate so we'll hear them coming. The only time I worry about neighbors is in the summer when I forget and leave the window open!

Maybe try watching porn - that usually focuses my mind and keeps it from wandering. A glass of wine beforehand can relax you some as well.
Contributor: Cinnamon Chambers Cinnamon Chambers
Go lock all the doors, including the room you are in. Take a hot bubble bath, with some music on. Not the TV because that can be more distracting. Start to play in the bath. The running water and music will drown out sound and relax you. As you relax continue to play, letting go but not trying to rush your body to orgasm. Just enjoy how good you can make yourself feel.

When you are with a partner it sometimes happens, but I have found if I slowly proceed and know how into the situation and me that my partner is that I am more relaxed and focused on us.
Contributor: Liz2 Liz2
Many women feel anxious about someone coming in during sex. I did in college, despite the door being locked and all. I was then anxious about someone knocking and getting security to check on me. Obviously foolish but these thoughts and day to day concerns were hard to push away for total relaxation.
I would suggest a glass of wine, and perhaps a different location for sex. I use a chair, the floor or the shower for masturbation and with my b/f will use other places in my home.
Also get the computer out of your bedroom, if it is there. Whenever I see mine, (now out of the bedroom) it is a reminder of things I have to do or something I should look up.
Contributor: Snappy Snappy
There's a technique called "emptying" that might help you. Center yourself, relax and then empty your thoughts, feelings, etc. until you feel that you are unburdened and free. Then get down with your bad self!
Contributor: Nashville Nashville
I want to share something.

When our bedrooms are cluttered, it doesn't matter if it's a pile of dirty cloths falling of the hamper, books all askew- if you somehow feel like your bedroom isn't tidy/is too messy/too distracting/like there are too many things to look at.. then you need to clean up and simplify.

A messy bedroom or one that is overly busy will cause sleeping problems. It can also interfere with sex, not only because you don't feel sexy when everything else is in disarray but because you focus on what's wrong with the room.

Go for a minimalistic approach. You don't have to stick with the bare essentials but you need a good flow in your room. A living space that doesn't flow messes with your chi and throws everything off balance.
Contributor: Adriana Ravenlust Adriana Ravenlust
I really feel you when it comes to relaxing. I never ever relax or unwind and the bedroom is no different. Honestly, Sleeping Dreamer's suggestion if tossing back a few might work.

If you're like me, the problem is not in the bedroom - it's life in general. Maybe Snappy's suggestion would work better then?
Contributor: Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady Not Here Anymore f/k/a Happy Lady
What Sleeping Dreamer says about bedrooms hold VERY true for me. I don't have a stereo, computer or television in my bedroom because those things - just by being there - distract me from sex, sleeping and just general relaxation.

Beyond taking physical steps (like cleaning out your room and locking the doors), you probably should look into yoga breathing techniques. Yoga breathing takes serious concentration. My mind is racked with ADD, depression, anxiety and all sorts of other general rapid thoughts every day. It doesn't seem to know that stuff is supposed to shut off so I can enjoy sex. I have to focus on breathing to really enjoy sex. After about 5 good minutes of breathing concentration, my mind "empties" and everything sexual fills it up.

I hope this helps. My busy mind often frustrates me.
Contributor: Dragon Dragon
Originally posted by *Country Girl Can Survive*
I have a really hard time fully relaxing during any sort of sexual experience. Its not that I'm bored or not interested; I just feel sometimes my mind wonders to non-relevant things or if I'm by myself I sometimes worry about someone coming ... more
One thing that I didn't see mentioned- Is sex satisfying for you? If not, then you really need to look at the deeper issues underlying why and the communication why.

(I seem to remember that you are recently married, but I could be wrong.) If you are easily distracted because you aren't really enjoying it that's a lot deeper than removing laundry or relaxing.
Contributor: *Country Girl Can Survive* *Country Girl Can Survive*
thanks to everyone who responded!

Ive sat around and thought about it a lot lately and I think it's because there is a lot of things going on in my life and Ive been rather in a funk lately about things that are going on. Hope to get back to "normal" soon!!

thanks again everyone!!
Contributor: Mamastoys Mamastoys
a drink or a glass of wine does the trick for me. I don't get drunk but just enough relaxed that I can enjoy what is going on without worrying about anything else.
Contributor: Machina Machina
It helps me to read a short erotic story, or watch a pornographic video at least once a week, but preferably everyday. This gives me something sexy to focus on while I'm masturbating or having sex. I've found doing this makes it easier to relax, forget about daily woes, and climax.
Contributor: Red Riding Hood Red Riding Hood
First of all, does your partner know you're feeling this way? Sometimes communication is the key. If they know that you're thinking about something else, maybe they'll learn cues to get you back on track. Sometimes it's a matter of how sexy the other person makes you feel. Not so much how your body is feeling. Maybe you can ask your partner to encourage you and be more vocal about the good things you do. I know I get really into it when I know I'm pleasing someone. It's hard to be distracted when they beg for more. ;-)

As far as worrying about someone walking in, I understand what you mean. It may be a pain, but planning could be the key to getting over that fear. If you can chose a time that you're the only ones in the house or someone else is asleep, that would give you less to think and worry about. Maybe you should even get out and go to a nice hotel for a weekend to get some time away from everything and have a sturdy lock on the door!
Contributor: LeeKR LeeKR
Originally posted by Nashville
I want to share something.

When our bedrooms are cluttered, it doesn't matter if it's a pile of dirty cloths falling of the hamper, books all askew- if you somehow feel like your bedroom isn't tidy/is too messy/too distracting/like ... more
Wow, I don't know if this is something that ever would have crossed my mind since I tend to like a little clutter in my bedroom (something bout that nest like feeling) but it makes total sense. I suppose it would help if we had any sort of storage in the bedroom but we're broke...I'll be sure to keep this in mind though.
Contributor: teeny <3 teeny <3
I know how that is. I struggle with sex ADD sometimes too

I've read that people who read books, watch tv or surf the internet in bed are more prone to sleep disorders. Apparently it has something to do with the mind associating specific locations with activities. So it doesn't seem unreasonable that maybe limiting your mattress activities to only sleep and sex might help improve your focus. I tried and it definitely improved my sleep quality.

Also, pot helps. Sometimes we'll make relaxing while sharing a smoke or cookie part of our foreplay the way other couples might share a bubble bath or foot rub. It opens us up to our senses more which makes us more in tune with each other's responses. Intercourse then becomes a sort of meditation for us.
Contributor: HotMama2three HotMama2three
Keep bringing back in focus, and once the orgasms start. I've got nothing else on my mind