Need help with insertion...

My girlfriend and I have been trying to have sex and it doesn't seem to work. We've had a lot of problems, things like where to put the knees, how to put it in and how to know if it's gone in. She's been using a dilator set to increase the opening's circumference, but it hasn't helped much. We've also tried different positions, but nothing seems to go in, or if it does, there's no way to tell. The only sensation I felt is a slight increase in warmth, is there any way to tell if it actually goes in? i know that probably sounds silly sort of like "if you're in, you'll know it" but seriously, is there a way to know if you're in? it feels like i'm pushing against something and it won't go any further. sometimes it curves. I'm not sure if it's because shes too tense, i'm not firm enough, it's not open enough or what. any suggestions appreciated. less

This suggestion may seem awkward, but once you are both sufficiently aroused try the Flower Press position (#3 on the linked page) or the V-formation position (#4 on the linked page — or pretty much what Kindred said above) in a well-lit room.

Either position should help open up your partner, and in a brightly lit room you should be able to see clearly whether you achieve penetration or not. less

There may be several reasons.

What is your erect length and girth? The average erect penis is 5" long and about 3.5-4" in circumference. A larger penis may have difficulty inserting due to size.

The average vagina is a few inches deep (you should be able to touch the cervix with your fingers inserted. Vaginal diameter varies. It might be that your partner has a small/narrow opening. If so, you can try warming her up with smaller toys first and then try penetration.

If you're unsure if you are penetrating her, try a position where you can visualize it. Try having her on her back at the edge of the bed with her legs up and you standing. In this position, you should be able to see if you are penetrating her.

Make sure you use lots of lube. Once inserted, you should feel warmth and pressure along your shaft. As you thrust, you should feel pleasurable sensations such as when you masturbate.

If you continue to have issues, it's unlikely there is anything wrong but you may want to consider each seeing a doctor to make sure there is nothing physically interfering with you having sex. less

We tried the one where we lie back at opposite parts of the room and try to insert, but it always felt like the angle was wrong. It would seem like it was going in, but it would actually be curling up to the other part of the vagina. Is there some trick to the angle? point it down? up? leave it the same?

Is it possible that two bodies could just be incompatible? If so, why would anyone wait more than a few weeks before testing for sexual compatibility?

Also, is the whole process supposed to feel so unsexy? It either feels like there's too much pressure, too silly or jokey, or just aggravating because it seems like everyone's able to figure this out, except me. it's almost a catch-22 where i won't be able to even get in without experience, but I'm never going to have experience if i can't get in.

I know people are going to say "not to think about it" but I tried and can't not think about it. Besides, teenagers figure this out without problem, everyone figures it out, who couldn't think about being the one person who can't figure out A into B?

Seriously, why is this so hard, what am I doing wrong? less

I think I know what you mean by curling up. This sometimes happens with me and my girlfriend. If your girlfriend is tight it feels like you cannot insert. It feels like you hit a wall and you cannot push in any further. What needs to happen then is you need to stop sex, go back to foreplay and use lube. Start with one finger in her, then move to two. Then insert a finger with some lubricant on it, and place some on your penis as well. Just enough for a light coating (I prefer silicone lubes they last longer).

The feeling of her vagina will typically be wet, warm, and vaguely similar to when you masturbate.

I think missionary is the best with lights on. Help her guide you into her. She knows where her vagina is. Once she has your penis at the opening slowly push forward. You know you are in for sure when you pubic bone is touching her pubic bone (That little mound of fatty tissue at the top of your penis and a bit higher than her clitoris.

Hope that helps. less

she's tried guiding it in, but it either doesn't go in right, or it doesn't stay in, or something. I think I went in for a bit last night, but it was painful for her and movement or thrusting caused pain. We've tried missionary, but it's hard to position, know where to put the knees, hold my body up and the whole rigamarole kills the erection pretty quickly. less

For everyone that has suggested to look and see if it's in, that doesn't work. Between the hair, skin and body, it's nearly impossible see anything. Plus I get the feeling that it goes in, but gets blocked about half an inch in, so it really doesn't matter matter if it's in, because it's not going in all the way. less

If she's too tense for you to insert your index finger, she's way too tight for PIV sex. If she can't relax enough for you to finger her, then she's either got some vaginismus going on, an obstructive hymen, or she's just really tense which is mental and emotional. She should see a doctor just in case it's one of the first two. I'd really recommend that you take PIV sex off the table for a while. Have lots of oral and manual sex. Make love without having intercourse. Learn what it takes to make her really turned on, to make her have an orgasm, or three. From the sound of things, you're fairly inexperienced with each other sexually so learning each other is a big step. Basically, have lots of "lesbian" sex. Once you understand how her body works, know it intimately with your hands and mouth and eyes, know what kinds of touches and pressures she likes, and even know how she's angled and shaped internally, and likewise, vice versa, her knowing your body as well, you can try and tackle PIV again with more success. Learn to feel sexy with each other. Sex is supposed to feel sexy. There is so much you can do without putting your penis in her vagina that will help you both get to know each other sexually and feel more comfortable with each other emotionally. Try to work through any barriers that are between you. Be naked together, touch each other everywhere, shower together, watch each other masturbate to learn what you each like, have oral and manual sex where the receiver instructs the giver on what they like and want, play with toys. If she likes her smaller dildos and is comfortable inserting them, have her insert it and play with it while you watch and then take over manipulating it for her. Once that's comfortable, try a larger one. Right now, it sounds like you don't know each other physically very well and you are also really feeling the pressure to make this PIV stuff work when you really need to just back off and get to know each other and yourselves a little better in this context. Work on doing all the little things that make you each feel sexy to yourselves and each other. Give her some money and let her go buy some sexy lingerie or clothes that make her feel sexy and then take them off with your mouth. Take her out to dinner while she's wearing some sexy underwear under her clothes, then go home and enjoy undressing her. Have a bubble bath together with some bubble bath stuff you both like and some candles, eat chocolate, better yet, eat chocolate off each other, drink wine or whatever you like to drink. Give each other massages. Be sexual with each other without actually having intercourse. Maybe read some sexy erotic stories or watch porn together if you both like those things. Send each other sexy text or voice mail messages, if you can do so without getting in trouble at work or what have you. Minus the pressure, add the sexy, and I bet you'll both be much happier and your sex life will improve. And NEVER underestimate the value of TALKING! Communicate, over-communicate. You can't communicate enough. Ask her how she's feeling, not just physically, about sex. Ask her what she thinks about. Ask her about her fantasies and what turns her on. Ask her what's going on in her head when you guys try and have sex and it doesn't work. My gf and I find that we like to have deep conversations in the bath together. Something about the intimacy of the bathtub with some candles and low lighting and a glass of wine, being naked together, holding each other in the water, lets both of us open up more freely. Anyway, main point is, relax, don't worry about the PIV stuff, get to know each other in every possible way, work through barriers, my guess is, the issue you're having will work itself out. If in doubt, seek out a therapist who specializes in sex and relationships. less

"For everyone that has suggested to look and see if it's in, that doesn't work."

Then you need to switch positions. Or reach down and gently spread the labia so that you can see the vaginal opening. Hair should not be an issue. If you look at the first picture posted on the Wikipedia entry for "Vulva" (NSFW) the labia are still visible. Wikipedia commons also has a picture of an unshaven vulva with the labia spread (NSFW) (i.e. you can see the vaginal opening). If you need something labled, there is this picture (NSFW).

If you cannot tell us precisely what's going on, then we're all going to continue to go in circles because there is no way to know if the problem is an obstruction, a matter of alignment, a matter of arousal (hers or yours), or worst case scenario, you're mistakenly trying to penetrate the urethral opening which would cause her pain and damage that will require a trip to the doctor. less

It's not that i'm trying to penetrate the urethra, I can find the opening before I put my penis in, but when I do it, I think it either gets blocked by her tensing up, or it doesn't go in and and pushes up into the upper part of the vagina. When she puts it in, her arm presses into my body making it hard to see anything that's happening. I've gone in once or twice, but it was too painful for her.

As for the waiting, one it's not like we try this every night until she's too sore to move. We started again about two months ago, tried twice, failed and took a month and a half off before trying again last week. I know "wait, take a break, you'll get it" sounds like good advice, but we've tried that, and after four years, it hasn't worked yet. doing something seems more productive than doing nothing, even if it's just a little something. less

We tried the one where we lie back at opposite parts of the room and try to insert, but it always felt like the angle was wrong. It would seem like it was going in, but it would actually be curling up to the other part of the vagina. Is there some trick to the angle? point it down? up? leave it the same?

Is it possible that two bodies could just be incompatible? If so, why would anyone wait more than a few weeks before testing for sexual compatibility?

Also, is the whole process supposed to feel so unsexy? It either feels like there's too much pressure, too silly or jokey, or just aggravating because it seems like everyone's able to figure this out, except me. it's almost a catch-22 where i won't be able to even get in without experience, but I'm never going to have experience if i can't get in.

I know people are going to say "not to think about it" but I tried and can't not think about it. Besides, teenagers figure this out without problem, everyone figures it out, who couldn't think about being the one person who can't figure out A into B?

Seriously, why is this so hard, what am I doing wrong? less

If this is an issue that you have been trying to deal with for 4 years, I would suggest that the next step is for your partner to see a gynecologist to determine if there is a medical reason for what you are experiencing. No one on these forums is really going to be able to help further since we lack the intimate details and the medical knowledge. less

If this is an issue that you have been trying to deal with for 4 years, I would suggest that the next step is for your partner to see a gynecologist to determine if there is a medical reason for what you are experiencing. No one on these forums is really going to be able to help further since we lack the intimate details and the medical knowledge. less

If you read through the earlier thread T&A1987 posted about this issue, the girlfriend "has been able to have toys and a speculum inserted without problem." I don't think a physical abnormality is preventing intercourse. less

You believe that she has a physical abnormality that allows her to penetrate herself with a dildo and allows a doctor to insert a speculum, but that prevents her boyfriend from inserting his penis?

I guess anything is possible, which is why I used the word "think" in my response, and I referred specifically to a [bold:physical abnormality]. I have no doubt there is an issue, but my non-medical, layman's opinion is that it's not an obstruction, and not even necessarily with her. I think they should both be examined by a doctor, who can give them a diagnosis, a prognosis, and if necessary refer them to a sex educator / counselor / therapist who can assist them. less

I don't necessarily think there is a physical obstruction. It could be a physiologic obstruction. My point is, they have been dealing with this for 4 years. They need to start from the beginning and rule out a medical condition before getting more advice from community members that may lack the medical knowledge and the ability to examine the two of them. less