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Couples: How much does sex matter?

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Contributor: hmb12 hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular night?

I ask because I catch myself attaching my sex life to my emotional connection with my partner, but then again, I get frustrated when my partner does the same when I'm not feeling up for sex. Curious to hear what others think...
12/14/2013
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Contributor: RonLee RonLee
A sexless relationship would be difficult to stay monogamously. As would a relationship where the sex was good, but I found the person to be unpleasant otherwise. My partner is a terrific person I love her, she is my best friend, but she does not have the sex drive that I do...
Would I prefer more sex, yes! Would I look for someone else who may turn out to be difficult to live with but give me more sex... NO!

If I were in my teens or twenties I might or would still be looking, but at my age I need to be pragmatic. Life is far too short to continuously be on the hunt for that "perfect" partner, who is not only my friend, but will fuck my brains out on a daily basis, too.

Those of you who have found that partner whose sex drive will remain undiminished and is otherwise also your best friend, congratulations! Know that you have won life's lottery, your search is complete.
12/15/2013
Contributor: Jesyra Jesyra
I keep my sex life and my relationship as separate as they can be. Regardless of how many nights I've rolled my eyes and then rolled over to sleep when I would have much preferred sex, I refuse to let our very different sex drives create problems in our relationship.
12/15/2013
Contributor: LAndJ LAndJ
Sex is a very important part of our relationship. When we first began having sex, it definitely changed the relationship. Sex brought on a different kind of closeness. I know there have been times I've been frustrated because he doesn't want to, and he has definitely voiced his frustration in me declining sex at times. We are much happier as a couple when our sex life is good, especially when we make a bigger effort towards making sex happen more often.
12/15/2013
Contributor: hmb12 hmb12
Quote:
Originally posted by Jesyra
I keep my sex life and my relationship as separate as they can be. Regardless of how many nights I've rolled my eyes and then rolled over to sleep when I would have much preferred sex, I refuse to let our very different sex drives create problems ... more
Yeah, that's a great way to think about it. Thanks. I just can't believe how irritating it can be that one day, I'm the one holding out and the next day the shoe is on the other foot. Its hard to come to the middle ground sometimes with busy schedules.
12/16/2013
Contributor: Confusedxfreak Confusedxfreak
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular ... more
Sex is huge for me, so I definitely do get disappointed and I will go along with it even if I didn't want to because I know its important, though it's pretty rare I don't want it.
08/23/2014
Contributor: Aesenthia Aesenthia
Sex has always been a complicated topic for me because I never enjoyed sex until I had sex with my current boyfriend. I thought I was just a weird person because I seemed to be the only one who didn't like sex. My boyfriend takes the time to make sure the oven is preheated before starting anything and to me that is so important. I never rated sex high on my list of needs from a relationship, but now it is in my top 5.
09/30/2014
Contributor: merc41 merc41
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular ... more
My emotional ties are stronger with a good regular sex life. Sometimes I pout if she is not interested but that is not often. I tend to pout or get emotionally distant if I fantisize too much and don't get the opportunity to try them out i.e. anal,facesitting,face fucking,etc,etc. She is my best freiend,lover and wive. I have to remind myself that some fantasies should be kept that way
01/20/2017
Contributor: Moxy4you Moxy4you
I am one of those women that men say they want, but once they have one on their hands, they begin to regret it! I have an incredibly high sex drive for a woman and it has been a problem in previous relationships. I'm 40 by the way. Luckily, my dive is matched for the better part with my current partner. In either case, I find sex to be incredibly important to the overall health of a relationship. There is a closeness that can only be achieved through sex in my opinion, but it's not the "end all, be all" of a relationship. Due to my conditions, I have had to go for extended periods of time without sex and have always found that the "closeness" in my relationship suffered as a result. Conversely, I have had previous boyfriends become frustrated with me because of my sex drive resulting in a different set of problems. Some may laugh, but when a guy looks you in the eye and honestly asks, "Is it all about the sex for you?", it can be very demoralizing as a woman!

The long and short of it? Do I get bummed? You betcha! Do I attach my emotional well being to the well being of our relationship? Yes, without a doubt.
01/21/2017
Contributor: RonLee RonLee
Quote:
Originally posted by Moxy4you
I am one of those women that men say they want, but once they have one on their hands, they begin to regret it! I have an incredibly high sex drive for a woman and it has been a problem in previous relationships. I'm 40 by the way. Luckily, my ... more
Having such a high sex drive has not been quite the blessing that some would think. I guess that I'm the cis male version of you. I've heard from partners, "What?! Again??! Is it all about the sex for you?". Yes, I understand completely how demoralizing it can be to hear that. I'm a versatile bi/pansexual man and I've heard it from all of the genders I've been with.
01/21/2017
Contributor: Moxy4you Moxy4you
Quote:
Originally posted by RonLee
Having such a high sex drive has not been quite the blessing that some would think. I guess that I'm the cis male version of you. I've heard from partners, "What?! Again??! Is it all about the sex for you?". Yes, I understand ... more
Thank you for your comment RonLee. It's always nice to have someone to commiserate with! In light of the reality that so few partners can match my sex drive, I empathize entirely with not always being on the same page when it comes to the timing/frequency of sex. As I sure we can all agree, you are never going to find someone who matches you precisely in each and every aspect. But for people like us, it increases the likelihood of relationship success if we are not complete opposites in this category.
01/21/2017
Contributor: xxcarii xxcarii
Sex is a strong way that I cant show appreciation for my man and that I care for him. Its also a way that I feel cared for and attractive. With a sex driven world its really important that you find someone that meets your sexual needs. I have been with guys that had too high of a sex drive and too low as well. I can't say I liked either. Too high and I found myself feeling like a sex doll and too low and it really hurt my self confidence. Communication is key and maybe just explaining how you feel might help your partner on either side of the spectrum. At the end of the day this is all natural feelings and hormones we really cant control.
01/22/2017
Contributor: OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
We would be fibbing if we said it didn't matter. Having good sex and seeing to each other's needs is showing we love each other.

Unless one of us is stressed or very very tired, we see to the other's needs.

It's not the most important thing, but yes it is important.
01/26/2017
Contributor: SexyRex SexyRex
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular ... more
It probably depends on (among other things) how long you've been together, and how strong your connection is.

I've been with my wife for 26 years (got together at 17 - we are 43 & very healthy).

Like a lot of couples with kids & careers, we have sacrificed quite a bit of intimacy.

We are, regrettably, on the 6-8 times per year schedule. I have a high drive, and creative mind...and she doesn't. So I'm frustrated.

I've seen so many of our friends cheat and divorce, but without being inside their relationship that's anecdotal. 100% committed to her.

Which is a zig-zag way of saying - not poll can tell you the consequences of having a mismatched libido, but I would proceed with caution and communication as it could be a very important topic going forward.
01/29/2017
Contributor: Madi2013 Madi2013
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular ... more
I am a vey sexual person but I am also very busy. So I do not get to have as much sex as I'd like to and sometimes I'm just too exhausted to have sex. I do not get bummed when my boyfriend is too tired because I understand
02/03/2017
Contributor: Smoke0074 Smoke0074
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular ... more
As most young couples, sex is an important part of our life. Both her and I make sure we set time together everyday for "us time", not always does that end in sex, sometimes it's just embracing each other, feeling close to each other. But we have a healthy sex life. At least 4-5 times a week.but sex is not the majority of any relationship. You could have sex 7 days a week and have no intimacy. Intimacy is what makes sex so wonderful. My wife and I can be open about our fantasies and different things that we definitely want to try. If it was just sex, you have no love and feel empty afterwards.
02/03/2017
Contributor: whenitallfails whenitallfails
Quote:
Originally posted by hmb12
I'm assuming the EF community loves and values sex, but how much of an impact does it have on a couple's love life? For example, do you get bummed if your boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife doesn't want to have sex on a particular ... more
I am extremely fortunate to have found a partner who is my best friend and also shares the same sex drive as I do. Both of us definitely connect our sex life with our emotional connection--just like you--but have found a few ways to deal with sexual frustration when the other is not feeling up to it or is out of town. We've found that being honest about how you're feeling (bummed for example when the other doesn't want to have sex) leads to resolving much of those feelings. Sometimes discussing it results in sex, other times we get very romantic and reveal a little bit more of our feelings for each other, and the other times just the reassurance that the other person still loves you and finds you attractive is enough to ease your concerns.
02/09/2017