Nowhere Angels by Metro - review by Viktor Vysheslav Malkin

Nowhere Angels Nowhere Angels

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Confused Angels!

Nowhere Angles is a movie that struggles with an identity crisis, it is a movie that is into using labels like “punk”, yet it seems like they mixed up their labels when making this. Maybe in a world where the terms “Punk” and “Jock” became switched, then this movie would make more sense. It is not an overly bad film however, the sex is fairly good, and all the performers are good looking people.
Nice solo scene, and nice girl on girl scene.
Bad dialogue, bad acting, and poor plot.
Rating by reviewer:
extremely useful review
Front Cover:
The front cover has lovely pictures of the stars Riley Mason, Justine Joli and another female performer. The background was of a desert with a road sign that says “420 miles till the next high”. I really liked the front cover; I felt that was well designed and very attractive.

Back cover:
The back cover has eight screen captures from the movie as well as a description of the films plot. Overall not bad, but nothing stands out.
*Its censored, the one you find on the product page*

The menus are extremely easy to navigate and gorgeous in design. There is a picture similar to the cover on the front, but only featuring one of the girls.

Film overview - with potential plot spoilers
The film starts out with Rachel (Justine Joli) writing in her diary about how she always knew her first time would be with Lauren (Riley Mason), since Lauren has always been a “slut”. The camera cuts away to show Rachel masturbating, she uses a small vibe on her clit (she has panties on and only breasts are shown in this short scene).

Without any explanation the camera cuts to show Lauren and a guy making out, the action quickly heats up with Lauren performing a blow job. After both parties give and receive oral they move on to vaginal sex (multiple positions), before the scene ends with a facial cumover. Later we find out this is actually Rachel’s boyfriend Tommy.

The next scene goes back to Rachel, in her room naked she tells the camera “I wish I knew what I know now. I wish I could go back and do it all over, if I could things would be so much different, and maybe Tommy would still be alive”. Yeah it is very corny and very lame and you can probably tell that just by reading what she said let alone hearing it spoken.

The next scene starts out with Rachel watching her boyfriend Tommy and his band practicing. Cheap ass Tommy does not want to put out a few bucks on a burger and suggest going to the 99 cent buffet, the guy is a real macho jerk. Rachel ends up having to pay for the meal.

The next scene starts out with a women and a guy sitting on a couch. The two quickly begin to have sex. This scene features a lot of oral and vaginal sex, and ends with a facial cum over. This scene also has a strong Christmas theme; in the background is even a tree with decorations (one being a condom with an “unknown” white liquid in it), the performers also wear Santa hats throughout the scene.

The next scene takes place at a “punk party”, there is a boring and corny voice over, quoting another dead poet, and talking about how the narrator’s life sucks but how his sex life is still great. This sex scene takes place outside near a pool, with all sorts of people in the background; none even seem to notice they are having sex. I do not mean this as an insult, but this guy looked like Duke Nukem. The sex features oral and vaginal intercourse in multiple positions before the scene ends with a facial cumover.

The next sex scene starts out with two girls making out on a bed while two guys (Tommy’s bandmates) watch. The two quickly join in and pair off with the girls. This scene features oral and vaginal sex before ending with a double facial cumover.

In the next scene Rachel finds Tommy and Lauren relaxing on a couch, both naked. Rachel kicks Tommy to the curb, afterward she sits next to Lauren. The camera cuts away to show Rachel and Lauren kissing at another location. The voice over says “I could bore you with the details on how we got to this point, but fuck it, because it doesn’t even matter”. The two do indeed have sex, lots of kissing, fingering, tribbing and oral.

The next scene shows Tommy overdosing on Heroin. As insensitive as it sounds for me to say this but this is the best scene of the movie. The music was absolutely brilliant in this scene and sets the scenes mood. I am not saying that overdosing is a good thing, just that this scene was well done. The movie ends with Tommy’s death.

Camera work:
The camera quality as well as the camera angles was top notch, everything was in focus and easy to see. The action itself was always well documented.

Sound work:
For a “Punk” movie, there sure is a lack of punk music; by lack I mean there is none. The music featured is electronica, which is not that bad really. All of the dialogue (bad as it was) was very clear, as was the sex sounds.

Bonus Features:
Photo Gallery
Behind the scenes
More Adult Fun (Ads for sex talk, phone services, $0.99 a minute)

Personal Comments:
As a side note, it was difficult tell which performer was in which scene (with a few exceptions). The credits did not help one bit, so that is why I could not provide names of certain performers. I did include pictures of them though.

This certainly was not a “Punk” movie, if I had to put a label on it, I would call it “Emo”, but in no shape or form was this a “Punk” movie.

I did not care for this movie, I felt the acting was terrible, and add in a weak plot to the mix and you get something like this. The dialogue was laughable, sometimes poor delivery of dialogue can make written dialogue bad, but in this case no one could make these lines serviceable, not even the best of voice over talent. I knew what I was in for when, during the opening scene the voice over of Rachel (Justine Joli) said “It’s a story that will probably bore you to tears anyway, so I don’t expect you to listen. God knows its just more post adolescent angst and whining”. That kind of set the mood of the film.

It seems this movie tried too hard to be alternative, or punk. The only real alternative girl in this film was Riley Mason, and her performances were not stellar, they were average at best. Only one male performer fit the mold of a stereotypical “punk”, and that was the Mohawk-ed performer. The other male performers all looked like gym rats, football players, and male models. Do not get me wrong, I certainly am not making fun of them; I am just saying that I am not sure if they fit in to this style of movie. I do understand that people are different, and that you can not judge by the looks, they look out of place (and out of touch with the characters they are portraying). I am sure there are plenty of people who may play in hardcore bands that look like this; it is just something that I do not see much of.

AVN gave this “AAAA ½”, so they had a differing opinion than I. I am going to give this a 3 star rating. I felt that the quality (camera and sound) was great but the plot was disappointing and hard to follow. It is worth a shot if you are a fan of one of the performers, but I certainly would not recommend it.
Follow-up commentary
I could never get involved in this film, as much as I tried to find some redeeming value, I could not. For crying out loud it won AVN awards, but for the life of me I do not know how. Again, this is my opinion, and others have the right to disagree, and the AVN seems to.

The story is just not very good, and when you add the poor acting, it just turns into an abomination. I am currently thinking I may have been too generous when I gave this a 3 star rating. When I see this DVD in my box, I VERY quickly bypass it! All I am saying is, I did not enjoy this film, that doesn't mean others will not.
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  • ......
    Very nice review!
  • Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
    Thank you NuMe!
  • Tuesday
    Awesome review. What a strange movie this one was.
  • Viktor Vysheslav Malkin
    Thanks Tuesday!

    Yeah it was very strange, the dialogue especially.
  • Selective Sensualist
    Great review! Too bad the acting was so bad and that the dialogue stunk.
  • Love Buzz
    As always - Just LOVE it!
  • Jobthingy
    EW! Condom with stuff in it on the tree.
  • ZenaidaMacroura
    Great review! This sounds...annoying to watch.
  • Illusional
    Awesome review!
  • pestilence
    Thanks for the review - I do wish more porn had decent plots.
  • Mihoshi4301
    Thanks for the review
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