Cat o' Nine Fails

Looking to catch a quick nap mid-coitus? Want to take things from zero to sleepy in sixty seconds? Just have your partner attempt to hit you with this weapon of mass dejection and you'll drift off into a sweet slumber in no time! If you partner is trying to introduce some kink and you just can't convince them to drop it, just let them use this cat o' nine fails and the spice will be dead in no time.

Beginners migrating from the land of 50 Shades might find this suitable for an introduction to pain, or a cute way to complete a once-a-week 'spice up the bedroom' night, but this is an otherwise unremarkable, unimpressive, and unsexy waste of rubber that could have otherwise been used to make something better. Yawn!

Did anyone kinky actually design and manufacture this? The handle is tiny and not as it was pictured in the product description. It is comprised of three little spheres molded together to make a bumpy handle, and then the rubber falls that are prone to tangle. The gentleman's large hands had trouble hanging on to the impossibly small grip, so I expect most men, as well as any women with large hands will have similar trouble.

This is essentially a cheap Halloween prop; any serious BDSM practitioner should run as far from this pile of disappointment as possible. The falls weigh much more than the handle, making it feel imbalanced and awkward, which is really the perfect way to describe how you'll feel after being hit with it. You just won't get a solid swing out of this awful little thing.

Had an outsider been looking in, one might think I was being viciously beaten by a large man with a comically small whip. Instead, it was barely more than a light 'thud' on my backside that was by and large quite boring. To say that it didn't meet my needs and expectations is to acknowledge it as a legitimate whip at all, and I don't think I can dignify it that way. This is essentially a modern artist's abstract rendition of the common feather duster done in rubber.

We were delighted to find that this toy has an unexpected application in adding weight to the trash bag in the garbage can.

Wondering how to take care of this toy? I'd like to suggest maybe a bullet or some fire, but if you're really intent on keeping this thing, I would strongly recommend keeping it hung up by the loop on the end. The rubber falls will find every way imaginable to twist and tangle up before you even hit anyone with it, so you should absolutely avoid folding it over on itself.

Should you need to clean the toy (and might I say congratulations for managing to use it for so long that you actually got some bodily fluids on it?), simple soap and water will do the trick nicely. Make sure it is completely dry before storage and keep it away from all dust and hair, as the rubber has a sticky feel and will cloak itself in any bits of nearby lint.

There is a distinct lack of packaging on this; it literally consists of a single tag hanging on a loop. Try and contain your excitement.

If I haven't adequately expressed my disdain for this rubbery pile of garbage, just know that I spent an hour of my life I'll never have back just trying to get something -- anything out of this whip at all. Not even so much as an 'ouch' or a surprised 'oh' exited my mouth at any point in time.