Me, Jane. And You... Sir, are Ginormous

I'm going to assume that you can all judge by the given measurements of this toy that it is absolutely, positively, most certainly, definitely, beyond any shadow of doubt not for beginners. Advanced users, rejoice! Intermediate users (myself included), tread carefully. With the added heavy-duty suction cup base it can be attached to just about any smooth surface and ridden hands free. Headboards, walls, floors, showers, mirrors, desk drawers, car windshields, ceiling fans, you name it, Kong will stick to it and stay put.

It can be used vaginally (if you're crazy) or anally (if you're crazier) and provides its user with ridiculously intense sensations of complete fullness. Take your time, utilize lots of lube, and Kong will most certainly deliver. Exercise care when first pushing Kong's considerable girth into yourself. He most certainly will stretch you... and it may hurt.

Box Description
Side View
Top View

(Be sure to check out the other links in this review. They link to pictures of the product!)

The box that Kong comes in clearly labels Kong as being made of Sil-a-Gel. So does the Doc Johnson Website. EdenFantasys says it's made of rubber. The care instructions which come with Kong only describe how to care for rubber and UR3 products and fail to mention Sil-a-Gel at all. So what the devil is this toy made out of!? Here's what I can tell you: with all of the other Sil-a-Gel products I own (4) I believe that Kong was molded of the very same material. Though considerably thicker than my second largest Sil-a-Gel toy it presents all the same properties. It is firm yet cushiony enough to be desirable, slightly sticky, tasteless, and emits only a faint rubbery odor. DJ has also added a somewhat fruity scent to hide what little odor there is.

Honest to goodness I was fearing the smell the toy might emit would be a more fearsome opponent than Kong itself. But it really, seriously wasn't and I'm quite pleasantly surprised.

Since so many of you seem fixated on the hair affixed to this cock (it does say "realistic" on the box you know), let’s discuss! Here’s a list of entirely probable reasons as to why this dildo has pubic hair: (choose one)

(A) There is an unspoken constitution among sex toy makers which states, “Should you devise a dildo of such magnitude as to warrant it be named after and associated with a giant hairy beast of myth, the dildo in question must also be made to have hair.”
(B) Doc Johnson is a responsible parent that wishes for you to remain utterly guilt-free knowing that its progeny has reached puberty.
(C) This is a hipster dildo. It wears its hair ironically because it has absolutely no use for hair.
(D) It is such a densely packed mass of hyper-masculinity that it developed a conscience and produced the hair out of sheer willpower.

Whatever the reason, I confess I found it genuinely amusing that DJ seems so intent on making the stuff a selling point to their customers. Using an adjective like “silky” on it is quite the verbal embellishment.

”...Don, your chocolaty brown pubes look so soft! Can I stroke them? Even just a little bit? They make me so... so hot...” (Barrage of eyelash fluttering)
(Lecherous grin, tooth sparkle) “Hell yeah, baby. That’s right. Rub ‘em just like that, you naughty, naughty—”

And the next thing you know she’s asking him how often he deep conditions his belly bush, completely ignoring the fact his massive, throbbing member is prodding her right in the eye. Um, like, hello!? Get real! When you’ve got a pussy pulverizing (mine is a tad sore... in case you're wondering), ass annihilating, spine splintering, 9 inch long, 2 pound behemoth staring you in the face you won’t give a damn about the pubic hair! Hell, you won’t even be able see it around this cock’s girth (7 and a quarter inches around the bulge in the shaft). It’d be like standing in the middle of the North Pole looking south and trying to spot your Aunt Sally vacationing in Mexico.

For those of you that enjoy a little fuzz on your toys, I have news: the hair on this toy is so easily removed that there’s just about no reason for DJ to have made their halfhearted attempt to put it there at all. I’m sorry. All I can tell you is to buy one of those costume mustaches and try to make do. But just how easily does it come off? I kept trying to think of an example, and the best I can come up with is that pulling the hair out feels like peeling a sticker off of a rubber ball. It’s rather odd. Removing the hairs results in the appearance of many small "pores" in the surface of the toy, and I am somewhat worried they will tear and force me to dispose of Kong prematurely.

Giggle inducing pubic hair aside, Kong is one beautiful dildo in person. The pictures really don't do it justice. Its near perfect skin tone, finely shaped head, bulging, pale blue veins and natural looking balls could've fooled me. All this made Kong an extremely attractive investment but I'm afraid I sorely (again, at the expense of my aching vagina, I included a pun) underestimated its size. The average user should cautiously give it a try but this toy is not for everyone. Pain tolerance and patience are a must.

I swear I did all the math with this dildo. Honest. Naturally, I’m still flabbergasted.

Okay! All right, I admit it! My eyes were bigger than my vagina! I couldn't help but hold Kong up to my computer screen in dismay and compare it with the pictures which originally sold me on the product. These couldn't possibly be the same thing. That one looks manageable. Still huge, but manageable. The one in my hand is so...well, I have fairly small hands, but I can't even get my thumb and forefinger to touch when I wrap them around the thickest part of this dildo. Separated by an entire inch of space, in fact.

If you've read my other review (Braving the Ballsy Bull) you may recall that I mentioned that Ballsy stretches me to a comfortable limit. Kong, on the other hand, feels a lot like what I imagine an unfortunate encounter with a traffic cone to be. Even after an extensive warm-up session complete with plenty of lube, a little loving from the Classic Dong and my Hitachi Magic Wand, I was still unprepared for the sheer stiffness and girth of this toy.

I inserted the head with ease and it felt phenomenal. For a moment I thought, "How do ya like me now, you overgrown sausage!?" Unfortunately... I quickly ran into trouble with Kong's characteristically large bulge (oh, my poor, defenseless ego). That bulge took a lot of patience and careful maneuvering to accommodate. Once I had it took even more time for my body to adapt. Lying there, while more or less relaxed, I was finally able to thrust with him. Quite hard, too (What can I say? I was frustrated!). I know I've already stated that the head alone was phenomenal, but allow me to add that Kong in his entirety is even better (so long as you're not pressed for time).

Kong probably needed more time and patience than my horny self was willing to give and I'm not going to demerit this toy for my own indiscretion. It's not at all a bad option if you like very large, firm (but still flexible) and realistic feeling toys. My Ballsy is fairly large and quite firm but not nearly to the extent that Kong is. I will still keep Kong around until I find a dildo better suited to my anatomy, though I will only ride him during occasions in which I'm feeling particularly Amazonian and adventurous. Currently I will be on the lookout for a realistic looking dildo of less girth, without bulges of unreported size and made of a more forgiving material than Sil-a-Gel.

Then again, I may eventually fall into rhythm with Kong, and become better acquainted with what it takes to conquer him.

Base of Shaft Circumference
Head Circumference

Though anti-bacterial and non-toxic, Sil-a-Gel is semi-porous and still has the ability to transmit bacteria and cause infections if left uncleaned. However, it is very easy to maintain, making avoiding irritation and infections even easier. All it requires is a bath in warm water and mild antibacterial soap after use (a rinse may be required prior to use if it's holding onto any lint and hair) and can be air dried or gingerly patted down with a cloth towel. Always use a condom if you plan to utilize your toys in multiple orifices or share toys with a partner.

Only use silicone or water-based lubricants with Sil-a-Gel and store them away from toys made of different materials. Coming into contact with an incompatible lubricant or toy may result in a reaction between the two and cause them to break down chemically.

Kong comes delivered in a medium-sized cardboard box that is possible to use for storage if you have the space (and, incidentally, if you're a hell of a lot more audacious than me). I say "audacious" because the box is plastered with images of Kong on all six sides. Go on, then. You just try to pretend that isn't a penis.

The more socially acceptable alternative for storing Kong comes with your order in the form of a nice red drawstring pouch. It does tend to leave little threads on Kong but it's better than nothing. Be warned, though. It also has the Doc Johnson logo on it and the thin cloth doesn't do anything to hide the shape or size of your dildo if you happen to have left it in plain sight. Plastic zip-lock bags always work great too.