Couldn't be Worse if it Actually Had Teeth

In theory at least, this clitoral pumps sounds awesome. It provides suction and vibration and a tiny set of tongues for added stimulation, all for a low price... what's not to love?

A lot of things, actually, but I'll get to that later.

When I first came across this product, I went all starry-eyed about it. It was the first time I had come across a clitoral pump, and the idea captivated me. I can get suction and the feel of a tongue anytime I want them? And it vibrates? AND it's cheap? Where do I sign?!

Sadly, this product didn't live up to its many promises, though to give it credit, it did try its best.

This toy is almost entirely made of jelly, which puts it very low in the safety scale. It's not phthalate-free, and the smell alone will be enough to make you think twice about actually placing it anywhere near your lady parts.

The smell isn't really bad; it smells kind of like a new doll (which speaks a lot to what dolls are made of) but it's very strong. You can smell it even before you remove it from the package, and the stink doesn't go away after repeated washing.

To be fair, the material is very pretty. The material of the mouth and tongues is a very nice translucent pink colour, and though it's firm it's also very soft and retains lube well. The pump is soft jelly or flexible plastic as well (the box doesn't specify), and it has texture on it so it doesn't slip easily from your hands regardless of the presence of lube on them.

I wasn't brave enough to lick it, so I can't tell you what it tastes like, but considering the smell, I doubt this toy is something you may want to take to your mouth often even without taking into account the low safety of the material. I wouldn't brave giving head to somebody that had just used this toy, either.

The tubing could really have been made with a more flexible material. It's very thin and stiff, and really fragile. It gets bent very easily (in fact it already comes bent in strange ways straight from the package) and every time it does it blocks the air flow and so you lose suction power.

The plastic of the battery pack is also rather poor. It's hard and brittle, and any fall or bump will break it. Plus, since it's transparent, the batteries are in plain sight at all times, and that's a bit off-putting for me.

In theory, jelly is compatible with both silicone and water-based lubes, though I wouldn't advise using it with silicone lubes because this toy isn't the easiest to clean and you really don't need to add persistent slippery-yet-sticky substances to the mix. Water-based lube is your safest bet.

Despite its claim to be a clitoral pump, this thing is way too big for just your clitoris. In fact, the mouth of the toy is nearly big enough to cover half your entire vulva, being 3.1 inches (8 cm) long, 1.6 inches (4 cm) wide and nearly 2 inches (4.9 cm) deep, not counting the tongues. This size in a pump might prove interesting in itself, but calling it a clitoral pump is a bit of an understatement.

The toy consists of a stiff jelly mouth with three little tongues inside, made of the same material. Under the tongues there is a vibrating bullet with its own speed control, and a tube leads to a pump that is used to create suction.

The pump itself is decent quality. On the bottom there is a one-way valve to suck air out quickly, and at the top there is a near-silent quick release valve to release the suction in a matter of seconds.

The tube, however, is very poor. It's stiff, so you can't really move it around without it bending so that it blocks the air flow, and the way it's placed it's very easy for lube to get into it during use. And because the parts of this toy come together very tightly to make it air-tight, it's not easy to remove it for clean-up.

The design of the toy itself is not bad, but it's very poorly executed with very cheap materials. The tongues themselves seem a last-moment idea that was superglued to the mouth rather than part of the same mold. If you look at the product page, the little tongues aren't even in the product pictures, so it wasn't part of the original design... something which is painfully obvious in use.

Despite its limitations, this toy actually has a couple different possible uses.

The first, and most obvious one, is to lube it up, attach it to the surrounding area of your clitoris with the jelly tongues nudging your clit, press the pump to create vacuum, turn the vibrator on, and enjoy (if you can). Another use is as a nipple pump, though considering how big the mouth is, it will grab a sizeable chunk of your breast as well. There are even more uses if you put your mind to it, like for example increasing sensitivity by stimulating blood flow in your vulva.

To some extent, this toy manages to fulfil its expected functions. The problem is that it doesn't fulfil them quite well enough.

Let's start with the positive side. The mouth of the toy, while too big for its intended purpose, does conform well to your body's curves, so long as you place it under your labia majora and not over it... Unless you've got very small lips, it doesn't create a good vacuum otherwise.

When used properly, the suction created is rather powerful. You can pump it a couple of times and "lock" the toy in place, or you can go on pumping to create further suction throughout. Releasing the valve on top of the pump will dissipate the suction immediately, so that you can remove the toy right away if you're too sensitive after orgasm (though whether you'll be able to reach orgasm with this toy in the first place is debatable at the very least).

The jelly mouth is well molded, and though it has a noticeable lip, it's not uncomfortable and nothing gets stuck in it while in use. The material is rather stiff, but, to some extent, it transmits the vibrations well.

The bullet, while not an overachiever, does exactly what it's meant to without being loud enough to wake the neighbours. The battery pack includes an easy to use circular dial controller to regulate the intensity, though sadly, there are no patterns of vibration available. The controls even have a very useful light that will get brighter the stronger the vibrations, so it's a nifty visual cue on the intensity of the vibrations at any given point. The same dial that controls the vibrations works to turn the toy on and off.

After several tries at desperately trying to make this work for me, I found that this toy actually performs better as a nipple pump. It grabs a lot of flesh, but the suction is powerful regardless, and if you leave the vibrations out of the picture altogether, it turns out to be a rather pleasant experience. Not intense enough, perhaps, for proper nipple stimulation, but better than the awful tease it turned out to be for my clit.

Yet another alternative use is to disregard the clit altogether and head further south. If you place it so that it covers most of your labia minora, the suction can function to increase sensitivity before other activities. Used that way, it's unlikely you will reach orgasm from this toy alone, but you will stimulate blood flow in the area enough that you will feel everything doublefold... just make sure you don't go overboard with the pumping. You can actually end up with the most atrocious hickey of your life if you're not careful.

Now for the ugly side of this toy.

The first and foremost design flaw is the jelly tongues. Unlike other toys of similar design, these tongues don't wiggle. In fact, they barely even vibrate. They are actually far from the bullet, and only get residual vibrations from the walls of the jelly mouth, which transmits poorly to your clitoris. This means that the area surrounding your clit receives far more vibration than your clit itself, and I don't know about you, but I've never had an orgasm due to stimulation to my southern lips only.

As a matter of fact, these tongues are rather pokey and too stiff to be pleasant. I ended up removing them from the toy altogether because they were so aggravating, an endeavour that required lots of hacking with a knife, tugging and cursing aplenty. The improvised glossectomy actually worked to make this a far more decent nipple pump than before.

The second problem is with the tubing that goes to the pump. I've already mentioned just how crappy this tube is, and it shows when you're putting the toy to use. In theory, this toy should allow for comfort of movement because both the cable that goes to the battery pack and the tube that goes to the pump are long... but in practise, you need to be watchful that the tube doesn't bend even a little bit, because if it does, you will lose suction and the whole thing will dislodge. If it bends too far, it will even break, and suction will be lost indefinitely, or at least until you find tape with which to cover the puncture or replace the tubing altogether.

The third, and biggest problem with this toy, is the material it's made of. It's really not very safe, as it's not phthalate-free, it can't be sterilised, and due to its shape it can't be used with a condom... so you won't be able to share it, ever (unless you're willing to risk a dental dam. I wasn't). Top it off with a design that is hard to clean from the get-go and you have a serious problem in your hands.

This toy is one of the most annoying to clean and store I've ever owned. The mouth is bulky, the tube and wire often get tangled, the battery pack can't stand to get hit or dropped or it will crack, and if the tube gets bent the wrong way it may break or puncture and it will not be air-tight any longer.

There is just no easy way to store it, and the fact that it's jelly means that you will have to be careful not to store it with toys made of other materials or you may cause permanent damage to either or both of them.

It attracts lint, hair and dust, though not as much as other toys, so your safest bet is to store it inside a very big zip-lock bag, with the tube carefully rolled so it doesn't bend wrong and the cable that goes to the battery pack rolled and tied independently.

As for cleaning, it's a royal pain in the neck. There are a lot of pieces that make up this toy, so that means that bacteria can easily make a home in the plentiful nooks and crannies. The only way to really clean it is to carefully dismantle it and wash the pieces separately with antibacterial soap or toy cleaner, because it's jelly and it can't be sterilised by boiling... and even that requires more skill and determination than toy-cleaning should warrant, as the pieces are jammed together very tightly to make it air-tight. Getting the tube out of the mouth without it breaking is one of the greatest challenges you will ever face. And you do have to get it out to clean it; lube and other fluids often get inside the tube during use, and if they actually make it to inside the pump, you're on your own. You will never get them out.

Particular care should be taken with the bullet. It's not waterproof, particularly the battery pack, so antibacterial toy cleaner is one of the only options available. Since the way to clean this is completely different from the way you need to wash the jelly mouth, you need to get it out first. Good luck with that. The fit is so tight I thought at first it might be glued in. But no, it was just rammed in with such a degree of viciousness that one wonders what kind of issues the people who had to assemble the toy had. Maybe the disgruntled employees had been forced to test the toy themselves. Who knows.

All in all, I'd say this is not a toy I'd recommend. It does have its good points, but they are vastly outnumbered by its flaws. It's cheap in both meanings of the word, but considering how hard I had to work to get this to do anything at all for me, I'd say it was a waste of money and time. There are other clitoral pumps available, most of which have higher ratings and better reviews than this one. Granted, I've yet to find one that was made with completely safe materials, but it must exist... somewhere.

I gave this toy two stars because if you enjoy brutal suction on big chunks of your flesh, don't care about material safety and don't mind having to spend twenty minutes scrubbing this toy clean under hot water after each use, you may find this an affordable pleasure-giver.

But if you want a clitoral pump that will give you good times and no grief, do yourself a favour: look elsewhere.