Tell Me About It, Stud

This vibrator is by no means elite. It's not expensive, it's not fancy, and it's made of the lowly peasant's sex toy material - jelly. Say what you will about the stuff, but there's something to be said for turning what's trashy into something treasured, so to speak. It's practically an art form to sift through the crap to find gold, and that having been said, the Night Rider defied its own genre and turned out to be a great decision.

What's that? You like having your G-spot routinely throttled? Consider it done. Not quite looking to probe that deeply? No problem, this thing is just sizable enough to make shallow penetration worth your sweet while. Wait, did you say that your clitoris is feeling neglected? Lady, don't you worry, the vibrations in this black beauty are strong and consistent enough that you can give yourself a little rubdown to get in the mood. If you're looking for some backdoor action, this toy does have a slightly flared base, but please make sure to cover the jelly with a condom, as you cannot boil or put this in the dishwasher for sanitation. Safety first!

When used with a partner, the Night Rider will not leave your delicate lady bits feeling battered, thanks to a forgiving material that is good to you, even when your partner's not. Take a rough ride with the confidence in knowing your pussy will come out on the other side unscathed, unlike with harder materials like plastic, glass, and some silicone toys.

Nobody really likes jelly when they first open up a new toy, and this was no exception. It came with that delicious, oily film and sickly sweet smell that we all know and love, and so I would highly recommend giving it the ol' scrub-down before giving it a whirl. After its ritual first bathing, it was odorless and has a very grabby, rubbery feel to it. This thing will manage to attract every piece of hair, lint, and other mysterious household tumbleweeds if you give it a chance, so make sure to put it away in a clean, dry area.

The makers had good intentions in making this toy semi-realistic, but managed to give you a full anatomical model of every conceivable vein a penis could ever have. If I could anthropomorphize this toy, it would have the bulging, veiny arms of a middle-aged bodybuilder. This is by no means a drawback, as the veins offer an interesting texture...that you will in no way notice once you really get to work using this thing on yourself, but will most certainly become important once they trap fluids and it comes time for you to clean the little nooks and crannies.

It has some kind of mysterious ring about two-thirds of the way down the shaft that remains unexplained to me. It has a scalloped edge both protruding and against the base for decoration. Perhaps this is for grip, but I also must say that with some great amusement that I have deemed it to look like the base of a fancy condom. My toys practice safe sex, y'all!

To be frank with you, this toy is shaped like a big, black, jelly cock. Nothing more, nothing less. You're probably not going to hide this one in plain sight - even children will start to cry at the look of it, and I imagine TSA will want some words with you over the cock in your bag.

The head of the toy is squishy for easy insertion, with the shaft becoming more rigid as you work your way down towards the base. This is a nice contrast to many other toys that are either all squish or all solid and feels a bit more natural.

The Night Rider has a generous amount of length and girth that should satisfy most, though you will have issues if you have a particularly narrow vaginal canal or, conversely, are an insatiable size queen. It is a little girthier than the average vibrator, but the jelly is forgiving and makes for a smoother ride.

The feature that shocked me the most was undoubtedly the range and variety of vibration patterns included. For a cheap jelly toy, 10 solid and distinct functions were far more than I could have hoped for. They are as follows:

1. Medium, continuous vibration
2. Low, continuous vibration
3. Quick, jittery, fast vibration
4. Low, fast pulse
5. High, fast pulse
6. High, faster pulse
7. Low, slow pulse
8. High, slow pulse
9. Very low, slow pulse
10. High, continuous vibration

As you can well see, there is something for everyone, and the selection is perfect for teasing a partner.

The vibrations are located solidly throughout the shaft, which is good news for the oft-neglected front, shallow part of the vagina towards the entrance. These vibrations translate well to the tip with little strength lost to your hand.

The controls are bittersweet; there are two buttons located on the very bottom of the toy, with one for power on/off and the other for changing between modes. Bless CalEx's sweet little hearts for designing a toy that doesn't shut off when you cycle through all the modes, but I found myself occasionally bumping the controls with the palm of my hand while in use.

I would put the noise level at a solid medium-low. You will want to put some music on and/or cover yourself with a blanket to help mask the hum, but it's definitely no Hitachi (AKA the Sex Toy Machine Gun in terms of noise) and you shouldn't have an issue muffling the sound if needed.

Jelly is incredibly uncomplicated in terms of care. You can use any kind of lube, and it merely requires a little soap and water to wash. You may also choose to use wipes or special toy cleaner - either should be fine, but always double-check the labels on your cleaner if you're not sure.

The most important thing I can stress is to store this thing away from anything that may shed. Be it lint, hair, or dust, this thing will find it and it will start up its own fuzz collection without asking you. Do yourself a favor and store it in a clean and dry place.

If you decide to share this toy, I strongly recommend using a condom, as you cannot fully sterilize jelly the same way you can silicone.

Nobody can expect anything less of sex toy packaging than campy, scantily-clad models with ridiculous expressions on a paper insert inside twenty layers of plastic packaging. It's everything you'd expect out of a cheap toy, which is really a tragedy. Night Rider, you deserved more!