Lisa Ann's pussy and ass - realistic vagina by Cal Exotics - review by NonNewtonianBisexual

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The perfect item for Sarah Palin fans

This item is a step up from textureless and poorly made bargain-bin strokers. If the price is exactly how much room you have in your budget, then it's a decent buy, but otherwise I'd personally hold out for something one step up.
Nice material, easy cleanup and molded to remind you of your favorite ex-Vice-Presidental candidate
Included bullets are uncomfortable and it isn't easy to grip. Not much variety to the inner texture.
Rating by reviewer:
extremely useful review


Using this sucker's as easy as muff-pie. Lube yourself up, (Personally, I'd recommend using something on the thicker side.) choose a hole, and go to town. If you decide to use the bullets, they easily insert into the holes on the bottom with a dab of lubrication. They insert sideways so the toy can actually lie flat on a table or other crotch-level surface. Lisa Ann's stroker doesn't quite fit comfortably in one hand due to the somewhat awkward shape, but can still be reasonably used that way. Or, just throw your other hand into the mix and run a train on your new Futurotic friend. The bullets actually tend to slide out, so you really do want to hold them in place anyway.

Material / Texture

Lisa Ann's Pussy and Ass is made of Futurotic, which is a blend of PVC and silicone. It pleasantly surprised me when I saw just how soft it was. No toy I've played with yet has realistically felt like another person, including this one, but it was lots of fun to keep on the desk and run my fingers over. It's like an NC-17 stress ball.

There's two distinct textures inside depending on which sensual orifice you choose. Colored in red below is the anal canal that runs through the whole toy. It's the widest opening and contains ribbing the whole way through the 5.5 inches of usable depth. In green we have, as they say in the medical community, the hoo-hah. Notice how distinctly small it is. It's such a tight fight that I honestly thought mine came broken. I had to look online just to make sure it wasn't decorative. It runs halfway through the toy and then joins up with the ribbed canal. Even though Lisa Ann's silicone counterpart has been doing her kegels, she still stretches to the occasion with nary a rip or a tear. Even so, the texture of either hole isn't overly stimulating, so I'd recommend it to beginners that aren't quite comfortable with the more abstract and inorganic textures some other toys use.
No, I haven't forgotten about the blue. That is where the bullets go, about midway through the toy, though they actually fit in sideways. I'll explain exactly why they don't matter later.
    • No odor
    • Porous
    • Textured interior

Shape / Design / Size / Fit

If it isn't obvious from the name, this little masturbator is molded from the porn star Lisa Ann (who you may be familiar with as Sarah Palin in "Nailin' Palin") While not quite a compact toy, it is smaller than a Fleshlight and wastes very little space with extra material. I thought the toy was the ideal size, though I have a very average sized member. There's definitely a good bit of stretch in there, so it should still accommodate you even if you spend your weekends moonlighting as a tripod. (You will be clearing the toy through the hole on the opposite side, so keep that in mind.)

The design leaves a bit to be desired though. There's no particularly comfortable way to hold it due to the awkwardly tapered shape. Worse still, when you add the bullets to the equation you'll be juggling the wires and the half pound of silicone for a good five minutes trying to find exactly how to hold it right. Oh, and don't leave it out on your coffee table. The word "discreet" doesn't even apply here.
    • Beginner
    • Realistic
    • Tight fitting

Functions / Performance / Controls

So, before going into my opinion on this toy's mechanical performance, let's do a quick physics recap to explain exactly how your vibrators work. The source of your toy's buzz is a spinning motor with an offset weight attached. The strength your toy exerts (reactive centrifugal force) is determined by the formula: (mass) * (radius) * (angular velocity)^2. When you turn up the speed on a bullet, you increase the angular velocity which increases the force it with which vibrates quadratically. That's why you might have a silver rocket that's whisper quiet on low but could be used as a stick blender on high. Since it's spinning faster, though, this large force is being moved much more quickly around your toy's circumference and each "buzz" is only there for a briefer period before moving on to the next point in the circle. The other vital factor is the mass * radius. These are actually interconnected, because the bigger the weight on the motor the larger the radius will be. That's why your compact cock ring only gives a light buzz, since the manufacturer can only fit a small weight inside, severely limiting the force it can exert.

Now, let's tie all this back to Lisa Ann's Pussy and Ass. Its bullets are massive. They clearly have some kind of unobtanium alloy weight rotating around their sizable circumference. I don't know this from having opened it up. I know this from the sheerly unpleasant sensation of having them near my genitals. We're talking so much force that you could pop them in a can of paint to make sure it's properly homogenized. They're positioned too close together, forcing you to squeeze in past two large plastic lumps that will then shake together when activated. If the words "deep tissue massage" and "penis" make sense in the same sentence to you, then this might be right up your alley.

On the bright side, the toy is surprisingly quiet. Due to the bullets being wrapped in soft TPR when in use, they're very well muffled. Even when set to their highest strength ("puree"), they can easily be covered up by the sound of a television or a nice, thick comforter. Of course, they're at their most quiet (and effective) when avoided completely.
    • Very stimulating

Care and Maintenance

Since this two-for-one toy is made of Futurotic (PVC and silicone, as I've mentioned before) it's actually very easy to clean. Just run it under some water with mild soap and scrub it out, making sure to clean the vagina as well since it's so tight that water won't naturally flow through it. Then, just let it air dry and give it a light coating of whatever toy maintenance powder you have to keep the material from degrading (cornstarch should do in a pinch). I'd recommend a storage pouch as well, especially if you own multiple toys. Some materials don't like to be up close and personal with each other.
    • Difficult to store
    • Easy to clean


The toy and bullets each came wrapped in plastic inside of a big, blatant, foam-lined box. They even throw in some powder to keep your Futurotic nice and soft. It's a bit too large for storage, and unless the images of Lisa Ann spread-eagled match your decor, it'll just get chucked in the trash. I recommend finding a nice bag to keep it in.
    • Not discreet

Personal comments

Mine came painted with delicate shade of pink across the lips, which was actually a nice touch. It wore off after one use.


Personally, I found this toy got old very quickly. Meaning that if it didn't do the job within a few minutes, I was just left stroking futilely and uncomfortably. This situation was helped by using thicker lube. I can't really blame Lisa Ann for this, as it's probably my own genitals having ADD, so I'll take the fall.
Follow-up commentary
I wasn't particularly enamored with L.A.'s portable pussy and ass but it's grown on me. The material is still in great shape and is easy to clean, while providing just enough stimulation when you need it. It desperately needs a nice case, though.
This product was provided free of charge to the reviewer. This review is in compliance with the FTC guidelines.
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  • Castielvis
    "spending your weekends moonlighting as a tripod" best
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