When I ordered this toy, I was certain it was going to be a gross, cheaply-made vibrator that would require a thorough shower afterwards to scrub away the shame. Spoiler alert: I was wrong.

This toy is a soft, dildo/vibrator hybrid that has ample width and girth without being monstrous - perfect for finding your g-spot! Don't let the size intimidate you; the jelly is very soft and forgiving, allowing for easy and painless insertion and great flexibility to hit all the right angles.

If you happen to find hard plastic toys to be too much like playing a painful game of pool with your lady bits, what with the poking and all, this toy may be more your speed. Jelly gets a bad reputation, and probably rightfully so, but I was plenty pleased with this cheap gem.

Bonus points for it being waterproof, making it safe for a little extracurricular in the shower.

The jelly is every bit as gross as you might imagine it to be. I avoided buying the green/orange-colored one, as I'm not too keen on the idea of getting in some solo time with what amounts to a zombie penis, but the purple/pink combination smells like death straight out of the package. Sweet, pungent, sickly death - soak it in! I wasn't brave enough to have a taste, but I can't imagine that being pleasant, either.

If you didn't catch the hint, you should probably give this one a good scrub-down before you use it. I found that the smell diminished almost completely after an initial wash with warm water and antibacterial soap.

One thing that perplexes me about this toy, however, is its inexplicable attempt to mimic a real penis while sporting multicolored swirls. They go so far as to include every last vein you could possibly possess in an anatomical sense, and even molded out the head in all of its glory. I can't say they really add anything to the experience, given you can neither feel them, nor is this thing in any way realistic to begin with. It's basically a fake cock made out of a psychedelic acid trip, but maybe you're into that kind of thing?

The size should be more than ample for those looking for a little more filler, but not so much that the curious beginner couldn't give it a swing. I could do without the weird color job, but I can forgive it because it's so soft that I can happily hammer away with it and not leave my pussy black and blue and weeping inconsolably at the end. It's the jack of two trades, and the master of neither, but it does get the job done, so I can confidently offer it at least a B+ for effort.

The controls turn on and off via a dial base that's easy to use and typically stays out of the way and doesn't accidentally get bumped in use.

As for just how discreet it is, let me put it to you this way: It's a realistic-looking penis that has been rather conspicuously tie-dyed in a myriad of bright colors. How subtle do you think that's going to be, exactly?

One trade-off you make here is that in exchange for a flexible, forgiving material, you also sacrifice all-over vibrations. The motor is located in the base, but I'd say it did a respectably good job carrying mid-level vibrations up the shaft at the highest setting.

It's not going to knock your socks off, but used in conjunction with a solid, quality bullet, you'll find that it compliments it quite well without overpowering you. If you are happier with a more subtle kind of vibration, I'm sure you'd be very happy with the levels of stimulation this offers.

The noise level is blissfully minimal. You will have no problems masking the noise if need be.

Jelly is ridiculously easy to care for - warm water and soap will do the trick nicely, or your favorite toy cleaner/wipe. The smell WILL go away, I promise. Make sure it is completely dry before storage, and try your best to keep it away from lint and dust bunnies, as it will happily cloak itself in any bits of fuzz or hair it encounters.

You've got the green light to use any kind of lube your dear heart desires, so go forth and masturbate fruitfully!