One of my friends sent me an article entitled “Worst Sex Advice Ever.” It was interesting, but not even remotely close to being the WORST ADVICE EVER. Because that advice is right here. Obviously.
The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For men):
1. When she leans down to pick up her napkin, say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you push your crotch out. Then when she laughs awkwardly, huff and tell her parents—who invited you to dinner—that “their daughter has lost her sense of adventure.”
2. Initiate sex with her when she’s late to take the kids to school, while she’s on the phone with her sick grandmother, or 30 minutes after she falls asleep.
3. During sex, grab your partner’s belly and shake it while making menacing Jabba-the-Hut sounds. Then say you’re just kidding. Girls love a guy with a good sense of humor.
4. Call her by your ex-girlfriend’s name. Often. Then tell her you only do it because neither of you will do that thing he likes. You know…that thing that Samantha did. Then never explain who Samantha is or what she did. A girl likes a man with mystery.
5. When your girl has food poisoning and is throwing up things she ate in 1982, huff loudly and say, “Well, I guess we won’t be having sex tonight!” That way, she’ll know you care. About her vagina.
6. Insult all of her friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you would have a three-way with. That way she knows she’s special and that you have discriminating tastes.
7. Sleep with her sister. That way she’ll know you love her family, too.
8. Sleep soundly (with your genitals exposed, of course) next to the reproduction Conan the Barbarian sword that you bought the day after you told her she was spending too much money on medicine. Call out Samantha’s name in your sleep.
9. When you’re at the doctor getting your junk sewn back on, notice that the doctor is a woman and say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you slowly pass out from the blood loss.
Join us again next week when we do the exact same thing, except that we’ll focus on the women. It’s going to be painful.
The Worst Sex Advice Ever (For men):
1. When she leans down to pick up her napkin, say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you push your crotch out. Then when she laughs awkwardly, huff and tell her parents—who invited you to dinner—that “their daughter has lost her sense of adventure.”
2. Initiate sex with her when she’s late to take the kids to school, while she’s on the phone with her sick grandmother, or 30 minutes after she falls asleep.
3. During sex, grab your partner’s belly and shake it while making menacing Jabba-the-Hut sounds. Then say you’re just kidding. Girls love a guy with a good sense of humor.
4. Call her by your ex-girlfriend’s name. Often. Then tell her you only do it because neither of you will do that thing he likes. You know…that thing that Samantha did. Then never explain who Samantha is or what she did. A girl likes a man with mystery.
5. When your girl has food poisoning and is throwing up things she ate in 1982, huff loudly and say, “Well, I guess we won’t be having sex tonight!” That way, she’ll know you care. About her vagina.
6. Insult all of her friends. Except for the ones that you point out that you would have a three-way with. That way she knows she’s special and that you have discriminating tastes.
7. Sleep with her sister. That way she’ll know you love her family, too.
8. Sleep soundly (with your genitals exposed, of course) next to the reproduction Conan the Barbarian sword that you bought the day after you told her she was spending too much money on medicine. Call out Samantha’s name in your sleep.
9. When you’re at the doctor getting your junk sewn back on, notice that the doctor is a woman and say, “While you’re down there…” and leer at her while you slowly pass out from the blood loss.
Join us again next week when we do the exact same thing, except that we’ll focus on the women. It’s going to be painful.
I miss Samantha.
And if I don't discriminate how will she know she's special!?
for # 7, what about the mom? now that will really show how much he loves her family.
Samantha, or, the name of her sister.
Fricking hilarious. Hopefully no one follows these guidelines because you'll be sure to have your ass or genitals handed back to ya.
Lol.. good article!
If BF EVER tried this stuff, #10 would be imminent.
Sadly, I have dated guys that are at this level of douche or higher. Thank goodness for BF.
seriouslyreallyseriously.blogspot.com
WTF??? Where did this come from? LOL Too funny
Know what the really, REALLY bad part is? My ex-husband actually did some of those... There's a reason why he's EX...
Because of who my dad is I find the first one hysterical and if anyone has the balls enough to look at my father in that scenario and play it out exactly like that I might marry them and give them daily blow jobs whenever they want for the rest of my life. Yes rest assured this is just another reason why I understand that I am highly twisted.
Was funny until my boyfriend said he had owned a reproduction Conan the Barbarian sword and wasn't kidding. I have to watch out for him crying out Samantha's name in bed now lol.