Sex “Don’ts” for the New Year

In order to save you from yet another existential crisis later in the year, add to your list those things you promise never to do during sex. These will guarantee your success in keeping at least a few resolutions—and if your lover is showing you this list and making you sign it in the presence of a notary, consider it an intervention or a warning that you may suck in bed.

* Caveat: Every “don't” has it’s own fetishist fan club of people who do that very thing. Try not to think too hard about what they do. Or do think about it, if you’re bored or into horror. If you’re into any of these “don'ts” and decide to rise up against me in protest, please spell my name correctly, and then tell us who you are, how to pronounce your name and where you’re from, so we can all avoid you.

* When you lover says, “Eat me,” don’t take it literally.

* When your lover screams or moans “Oh my God” don’t think that they’re talking about you—even if you’re Tom Cruise.

* When your lover screams or moans “Oh, God,” don’t get into a debate on the irrationality of religious belief systems and their irrelevance to the current sexual intimacy . Unless, of course, you’re Richard Dawkins.

Don’t Tweet while fucking. If both (or all) of you are Tweeting or updating your FaceBook pages simultaneously, then that may be okay … but in that case, keep your status updates to what the two (or more) of you are doing currently. You might consider calling it performance art and see if you can get some sort of grant.

Don't invade a sovereign nation. Sexually satisfied heads, er, leaders, make poor evil overlords. If you are currently in the process of invading another country, take a moment to reflect on your sex life. Your therapist misses you.