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The Bloggess: Magic Words That Make Him Tell You the Truth About Where Your Socks Are

The Author, with Hugh Hefner, at an undisclosed location
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This month I’m doing a series of articles to prove to my grandmother that my sex column is just as good as anything from Cosmo by writing my own stories inspired by actual Cosmo titles. This morning I was supposed to tackle…

  Magic Words That Make Him Tell the Truth

(For example: Where the fuck are my socks?)

1. “Pretty please tell me where you put my socks. I know you have them.”
2. “Tell me where you put my socks or I will stab your nana in the face.”
3. “I just poisoned your drink. The antidote is in my socks.”
4. “What? ‘Where is your penis?’ Oh, it’s probably wherever my socks are. Asshole.”
5. “No, actually, I really don’t think that cutting your penis off was an ‘over-reaction.’ Those socks are totally bad-ass.”
6. “I will totally give you a blow-job if you tell me where my socks are.”
7. “Well, I meant after it was re-attached obviously.”
8. “And after I get my socks back. Obviously.”
9. “Yeah, I know you’ve lost a lot of blood. That’s what happens when your penis gets cut off. But you know what makes a great tourniquet? Socks. Just sayin’.”
10. “Oh crap. Hang on. I think I’m wearing my socks. Oh my God, I feel like an idiot. Sorry, hon.
11. “ Okay, stop yelling at me. I said I was sorry.”
12. “Well, I don’t exactly remember where I put your penis to tell you the truth. Clearly I was a little too upset about my socks at the time to pay attention. Stop freaking out. It’ll turn up. Have you checked where you usually keep your penis? Because this morning I thought my socks had been stolen but turns out I was actually wearing them. I mean, you remember. You were there.”

Join me next week when I tackle “What Guys Notice About You in 6 Seconds”. (Hint: It’s your boobs.)



"Have you checked where you usually keep your penis?"

If his next question is "Where's your sister?" that's a bad sign.


Really, all you need is #6, for just about anything.
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you stop snoring.”
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you go to my parents house for dinner.”
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you empty the dishwasher.”
“I will totally give you a blow-job if you read this article.”


Actually laughed so hard I cried. AWESOME.


Sheer Awesomeness!


This post makes me worry for your husband. The answer is not to Bobbit him! Well unless you are wearing a clown costume. He might like that



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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [|], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

     Read full interview

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