Sex & Society » Lgbt, Acceptance, Sexuality: "I’m Still Bisexual Even Though I’m Dating a Guy"
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I’m Still Bisexual Even Though I’m Dating a Guy

Anya Garrett
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“So, you’re straight…” my friend started a sentence the other day. I forget exactly what she followed it up with, because that word, “straight,” kept echoing in my head, sounding foreign as it applied to me, because I don’t consider myself straight, and haven’t in a decade.


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Contributor: CallieVix

I personally like the terms "heteroflexible" and "homoflexible". They help in some areas. I do agree with the fact that labels tend to limit how people view a person. I am forever being asked to explain my lifestyle choices. And I honestly don't mind. Every time I do, I am either educating someone on the vast possibilities of simply being oneself or I am uncovering the fact that this may not be the type of person I wish to associate with. I love this post and kudos on speaking up!

Contributor: LeilaO

I've read a hundred of these articles in which bisexual women complain that no one believes that they're bisexual because they're dating men. This is made-up attention-seeking. I know this because any woman who dares to say that she's heterosexual is told "Oh but all women are bisexual" and "Oh but you must desire women just a little bit because the female body is just made to be sexually appealing" and "You haven't experimented enough" and "My wife thought that until...". Some women are truly bisexual, but I simply don't believe that they have a problem convincing anyone to believe that. Men find the idea of "straight-looking" women having sex with each other sexually arousing, and those men's opinions rule the world - we all seek to please those men, and saying your bisexual as a "straight-looking" woman is about the best way to make sure they hang on your every word.

Contributor: jellybean

I LOVE this article. I think that it is a much less discussed misplaced stereotype that bisexual means not capable of monogamy. My mother thinks this and I have yet to tell her that I am in fact bi but the truth is I AM and have been married to a man for 13 years. Happily so. Does this mean I no longer desire women? Nope. LOVE women! LOVE THEM! BUT I made a choice to be monogamous with a man that I love so I don't act on it. That is integrity not bisexuality. I do not and could not identify as straight. Sexuality is fluid. Thank you for so eloquently saying what I never could. PERFECT!

What is straight? A line can be straight, or a street, but the human heart, oh, no, it's curved like a road through mountains. ~Tennessee Williams, A Streetcar Named Desire, 1947

Contributor: Rebecca Gerdel
Rebecca Gerdel  

While as a bi-sexual woman I find this article to be very accurate. But I want to ask the author a serious question.

Why did you use the word fuck? I hope there was a good reason beyond shock value, because I shared this with my friends and family and now I'm sorry I did, because none of my older generation of family is going to be able look past that word to the very important information in this article.

And those are the people who matter. Those are the ones who need to see articles like this... We already know. We are the people who feel this way. It's stepping up and being able to show how we feel inside to the people we love and through them to the world that we need to focus on. It's easy to forget that in this day and age of polarized emotions and opinions. We have to reach out, not just lash out.

Okay I think I'm done *picks up her soap box and goes back to playing video games*

Contributor: Internet.Techmonkey

@ Rebecca Gerdel: Don't blame the author for the reaction of the audience. If I were in your shoes, I would have copied and pasted the article into an email for my family to read, and edited out the swear word. Then again, my family's a little more flexible than your appears to be where words are concerned, so I probably wouldn't have bothered and just shared the link to the article as is. To each their own, I suppose. I just wouldn't want the author to think she has to start censoring herself for an audience she doesn't even realize is going to see her work. *shrugs* I loathe censorship on principle, so maybe that's why I took exception to your taking exception. lol

I identify as a bisexual man, and have faced many of the stereotypes described in this article. And a couple of stereotypes that women don't seem to have to deal with very often.. like the simple concept of a man being attracted to another man being generally seen as disgusting as opposed to arousing. As was pointed out, two women can make out and men see it as hot and sexy.. but two men make out, and people get grossed out. I think it's ridiculous to think that way, but there it is.

Not only that, but then there's the standard attitudes.. one woman I dated, upon being told from the get go that I am bisexual, took it upon herself to try to convince me that because I hadn't been with a guy since I was in my late teens... I wasn't really bi. The old "it was just a phase" according to her. It was as though I had this big problem that she thought I brought to her attention because I wanted her to "fix" it by rationalizing it away. Then she asked me how bisexuality "worked". She asked, in earnest, if I just woke up each day and decided which gender I'd be attracted to that day. She asked me how she could trust a me to stay faithful if I was just going to wake up some random day and not be attracted to women anymore. As though I could only be attracted to one or the other at any given time. It made me want to jump out of the moving vehicle we were in and walk home. I didn't, because my sense of self-preservation is quite strong. But I really really wanted to. lol

That was the event that made me realize that people really just have no idea what bisexuals are all about. I had to curb my instinct to run away screaming and explain to her that my attraction doesn't switch back and forth. I could see she had trouble with that concept. To her, the world was black or white. but never black AND white. Forget grey entirely.

In any case, I think this article is beautifully written and that's why I'm proud to have shared it on Facebook with friends and family alike. If they take issue with the one "bad" word in there somewhere, that's on them. If they let that word take their focus away from the point of the article, that's, once again, on them. I'm not holding the author responsible for her audience's reaction to her work.

Contributor: violetx

I love this article. I have been struggling with this issue a lot lately. I hate being identified as straight. I have been in a monogamous relationship with a man for 5 years and I am always identified as straight and have felt the need to correct people who make that assumption. I am always treated like I'm not REALLY bi because I haven't been with a woman in 5 years.

Contributor: Willow

@Internet.Techmonkey: I personally find the concept of man-on-man very arousing! In fact, I would love it if my boyfriend was bisexual and would agree to an MMF threesome. It's unfortunate that there is such a double standard though

I also identify as bisexual, however I have never even been with another woman. I have had three (monogamous) relationships, all of which have been with men, and I only realized that I was interested in women while dating my current boyfriend. I am questioned frequently about how I can identify as bisexual if I have never had a sexual encounter with another woman and that because I have not, I must not either 1) know that I am or 2) be bisexual. I, however, am very much attracted to women and desire having sex or (possibly in the future) a relationship with one. I am currently unable to pursue any of this because I am in a monogamous relationship, however that does not mean that I am straight, although many people try to tell me that I am. In any case, those are the people I do not desire having a friendship with because they are very closed minded and usually do not have anything very interesting to say anyway.

Contributor: Min

@Willow, I have problems with people asking how I know I'm bi if I've never had sex with a woman, and I like to turn around and ask how they knew they were (insert sexuality here) before they had sex? Just little thing that makes people stop for a moment.

Contributor: should be working.
should be working.  

I am so very excited to have found this article. THANK YOU!! I'm bi, always have been; and never had an issue with it. I've been married for 6 years, but i've never identified as straight. My first sexual experiences were with women/girls, in highschool--i knew early on that i was attracted to people, not their "parts." However, recently one of my newer friends called me a breeder, which is a term I find demeaning and offensive. Additionally, she knows better she's educated,gay and she knows I'm bi. I am regularly pissed-off and cynical. But her comment literally made me start crying--which shocked both of us. I told her her comment was ignorant and hurtful.But, later I had trouble nailing down what really bothered me.
Your article brought me some clarity on the whole issue. Thank you so much for your eloquent and accurate article about bi people in monogamous opposite-sex relationships.

Contributor: KnK

I enjoyed this article. I actually hate labels, but I pick the title "queer" as the lesser of the label evils. I feel like my sexuality is out on the swingset. I can be very kinky, but I do enjoy vanilla lovin,' I've only dated men at this point, but I've had such strong attractions to certain women that felt too strong to be a "phase." I call myself queer because I want what I want, but I know it won't always be the same.

I find it frustrating to be told by some of my friends that I'm straight, just about as frustrating that some kinky people I know think that if you're someone kinky, you must always be sexually kinky. Why do people think that the lines are so defined? For me the lines are blurry and they always have been. That's why I hate labels.Labels are stifling.

Contributor: novanilla

This is so great. I really hate being identified as straight as well. It's really annoying when you come out to family and then when you aren't dating someone of the same sex they think it was a phase. No, I still wanna bang girls, sorry mom and dad.