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The “O” Isn’t Always All

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I’m a huge fan of orgasms. Huge. Hell, I’m a damn groupie. I’ll pursue orgasms like deadheads used to follow the Grateful Dead—and then Phish after Jerry Garcia died. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who likes the “big O” more than me (though admittedly, you’ll find plenty of people who like them just as much as me).

  Orgasms aren’t everything.

The “big O” isn’t the be-all, end-all.

It doesn’t have to be the way the story ends when you’re writing a new page in the book of love(making).

I do think it’s important. I do think the orgasm is something to strive for—particularly in terms of giving them out but also in receiving them. Given how large a percentage of women rarely orgasm (among them a great many who, at the very least, cannot do so by penile penetration alone) and the smaller (but still too large) percentage who have never experienced orgasm or who are physically unable, I’m particularly in favor of making sure women have orgasms. Not because I have any kind of self-hate as a man or disdain for my fellow men. After all, I know that while the numbers for men aren’t as high as for women, some of them have trouble with achieving orgasm as well, particular if they have erectile dysfunction and sometimes even when they achieve erections with medication. I wish they didn’t have to suffer that.

It’s just that I don’t think—in general—that we should make orgasm such a high priority that we make it the only goal and the only sign that the sexual activity was successful. A lot of times, we may kill the fun when we do that.

Now, I admit to some hypocrisy here and a need to follow my own advice because, frankly, if I fail to orgasm, I feel a little guilty, like I haven’t shown my wife proper appreciation. Also, while there have only been a handful of times I haven’t been able to make my wife climax, whether with my penis or my tongue, there have been a few times, and I felt miserable about it when it happens, like I failed her. Also, when she wants an orgasm from fucking, and I can’t maintain an erection, I feel guilty as hell, even though my tongue saves the day every time.

So, yes, I need to work on this as well. Consider this article our way of working through it together.

It’s hard, but when we are with someone sexually and we care about that person, I think we need to do a lot better job of making sure they feel safe, secure and happy—and that they know we aren’t going to judge them for lack of cumming or lack of making us cum. You know, as long as it’s the exception and not the rule—and if it is the rule, that we’re working on the problem as best we can.

  Because sometimes, shit just doesn’t happen.

As I’ve said, it’s almost unheard of for my wife not to get an orgasm from my ministrations, even if it isn’t always via her preferred method that night (or occasional mornings and afternoons). But, there have been many times I have not cum myself, and sometimes, I think this makes for stress on her part that I wish didn’t exist.

Why don’t I cum sometimes? Well, in recent years, my penis is much more erratic. Not erectile dysfunction-level failure, because it doesn’t happen often enough to meet the criteria, but often enough to really fucking suck. Also, I’ve found that condoms often interfere with my ability to maintain erection, and so I don’t want to cum inside my wife (because my hands are full with the two kids we have already). And while yes, I could slide between her ass cheeks or hump her leg after her climax or whatever, I sometimes don’t want to make her messy. Particularly because one of her more “male-like” sexual habits is a desire to roll over and go to sleep once she orgasms—and along with that a desire not to continue to be pawed or plowed for very long after she blasts off. I respect that and don’t want to be a pest.

And rolling over to jack off as she nods off doesn’t appeal to me.

Rarely does any of this bother me. Why? Because it just doesn’t stress me out, mainly. The sex feels good physically, it’s emotionally satisfying and I just made my wife happy in bed (or on the floor). Those are the things that make it most worthwhile for me. Also, I’m going to cum later, whether because I head to my office a few rooms away to sleep because I’m snoring and keeping her awake (and why not knock one out before I go back to sleep?) or because I finish myself off the next day or evening when I have some time alone.

This is fine with me because, again, I got the intimacy I wanted with her, and jacking off later for release gives me a chance to watch some nice porn or read some hot erotica and possibly indulge my kinky desires that she usually isn’t in the mood for and which make sex together a bit more complicated and awkward. I don’t usually want to get too freaky unless we really have time and know our daughter isn’t going to wake up and get way more than the usual “I just saw my parents having sex” experience.

Still, I think my wife is disappointed sometimes when I don’t cum. Sometimes, I think she takes it a little personally, as if she didn’t do something right or I didn’t like the way she touched me or the way she looks or something else entirely. Other times, she doesn’t notice or isn’t sure, and actually asks me later (sometimes the next day) if I came, and the answer is “no” more often than “yes” when she does feel a need to ask.

But I’m happy with our sex life, even when I don’t orgasm—even if I’m less happy about the erratic erection thing because she does like her some cock no matter how exquisite my tongue-work is. I have no complaints personally.

But I worry, too. I worry that she doesn’t understand this and she will take my periodic lack of orgasm personally. At times like this, I understand a little more why many women fake orgasms, even though I still think they need to do it a whole lot less if they ever want to get them regularly. We men can be a bit dense and clueless sometimes about such things, and if we think you came, we won’t work as hard as we should next time.

It’s difficult to say to the woman I respect, admire, love and lust after that sometimes, I prefer to get myself off. Or that sometimes, as much as I’d like her to get me off, she just doesn’t always have the skill to do it—not because she’s bad in bed, though. Her oral sex, for example, is magnificent and usually works for me, though sometimes she has to stop when I don’t cum soon enough because her neck starts aching. At times she’s willing to try giving me a handjob, but it’s not something she’s done enough to really get a feel for and it’s not something she’s interested in enough to really practice with a lot. Also, frankly, just as women tend to know their own sexual spots better with their fingers than their partners do (even when that partner is a woman), so too do I know better how to coax myself to orgasm or force myself to one even when my penis is being stubborn.

As time has gone on, I think she frets less about those times I don’t orgasm. Thank God for that; we’re getting there and I’m learning to fret less myself.

Now, I’m not saying my situation is like every other guy’s situation if orgasms is elusive. And I especially will not try to compare my situation to that of most women for whom orgasm is a rarity or an unfulfilled dream.

But I will say again that, while it’s the result we should shoot for (unless orgasm denial is your thing), cumming should not be the only reason we come together and do nasty, delicious things to each other.

Sometimes, it’s just a bonus.

Because, after all, kissing doesn’t lead all that often to erection or to a dripping pussy—and often it doesn’t even lead to sex happening later—but we still enjoy it and we all keep doing it over and over and over.

As the line goes in the song As Time Goes By, a “kiss is still a kiss.” And some also say, “sometimes a kiss is just a kiss.” By the same token, sometimes sex is still sex—and can be good sex—even when the odd orgasm passes you by.


What a great article. Thank you so much for your honesty. Its not something my husband and I are experience but definitely something I can apply to the times I want sex and he doesn't.


great article.




Your frankness takes my breath away, I couldn't have put it better myself. I do admit I know what excites myself better than my partner, my most sensual areas of my body that enjoys touching. The big O is an added bonus, to me I enjoy the time being with my partner, being held, cuddled, touched, and petted lovingly. But I am also with you, I love the big O and if it takes a toy for it to happen, then I'm all for it, daily if at all possible. But whether my man comes or not, I enjoy the sensation of him inside me no matter what.




Thanks for the kind thoughts and remarks, everyone.


Such honesty should be applauded. I'm sure every couple can relate to this article in some way. Fabulous read!



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