The Internet has forever changed the way we have sex. A recent study by Shape and Men's Fitness showed that Facebook alone has a hand. 58% of men say the site has led to faster sex, while 80% of women echo this sentiment. While online dating becomes okay with single moms in the suburbs, the world of online casual sex is seen as drastic, continuing some 90's parental fear of “you could be anyone on the world wide web!”
In Part 1, I covered Craigslist Casual Encounters. In parts 2 and 3 I'll be talking with people from other spheres of casual hook-ups: Newspaper Classifieds and fetish sites to explore just what happens in a casual hook-up with someone you only met online.
In Part 1, I covered Craigslist Casual Encounters. In parts 2 and 3 I'll be talking with people from other spheres of casual hook-ups: Newspaper Classifieds and fetish sites to explore just what happens in a casual hook-up with someone you only met online.
Meet Nina—Fulfilling her fantasies through the newspaper classifieds
Nina is a 56 year old RN. She lives alone a cute apartment with a fuzzy head-butting cat. Over a plate chocolate chip cookies, she describes herself as shy, but in the last few years Nina has found her voice in getting what she wants sexually. Call it a mid-life crisis or just coming to her senses, after years of celibacy, Nina started putting XXX ads in the classifieds section of the paper. She’d deciding to fulfill her fantasies. Several younger men, BDSM scenarios later, she's become a new woman.
So how did this all start for you?
I had a life-long battle with depression. So, when you are depressed, you don't have much of a libido anyway, and then the anti-depressants take care of the rest of it. I found that out and had a doctor put me on something else. When the other stuff wore off and my libido kicked in it was like “holy fucking Christ!” Bam—suddenly years worth of libido kicked in! I think I can honestly tell you, I know what a 16-year-old boy feels like. I just needed to get laid. Desperately. So I started with the Chicago Reader's X-matches.
So when was the first time you met someone through the X-matches?
I didn't list an ad at first, but I answered them. This man and I met at a restaurant nearby my apartment for a drink, middle of the afternoon. He was passable looking but not impressive. I was very unsure of myself at this point. I tried to make myself as attractive as possible and really primped. At my apartment I changed into “something more comfortable”—sort of a black lace and high heels number.
I realize now that I was trying way too hard. I didn’t have to go through all these things, he was ready anyway. But I thought at the time that I wasn’t quite good enough just the way I was.
I've always loved the XXX matches just right in the back of the paper.
I know! “I want anal sex”, “I want a threesome” right there in the newspaper, it's amazing. When I put out an ad, the tricky part was coming up with what to say, especially a title. I came up with “Doesn’t Anybody Wanna Fuck Anymore?”
So what happened once you listed it?
I got all of these responses and sorting them out was a chore. I got very “Emily Post,” I felt like I needed to respond to all of them—“thank you, but no thank you.” And by 89, it was like forget that. But what amazed me was how many younger men there were, I think maybe the youngest that responded was 19, and it went up into the 70's.
Did you end up dating any younger men?
The youngest I was with was 28. He was insane. I guess he could say he was my bad boy because he was kinda nuts and he carried a gun. I am so glad that stopped.
So what did you learn from all of the men you've met?
I’ve learned that more men than one might suppose are attracted to a woman who has extra weight on her. Weight and size are always huge issues with almost all women. We are taught that men want a certain thing and if you are not that thing, you are a loser. You have to conform no matter what—anorexia, bulimia, whatever. I think if it were more socially acceptable to be beyond a size 8 then more men would come out of the closet about their own tastes.
So did you get to explore fantasies?
Yes! I had a long running fantasy about submission and being spanked which I explored with different men. There was one man who was very much into dom/sub culture. He was married and said his wife didn’t want to do these things.
He wanted to collar me, as his slave. He had a ceremony that he found or wrote and emailed to me. It was like something out of Conan the Barbarian—I would be brought to him naked, kneel before him, recite some vows about obedience, receive the collar. It was so bizarre that I was stunned when I read it. It was way too much for me.
What was one of the most memorable guys?
There were so many good, hot experiences but a sort of negative one stands out. I answered an ad from a man who described himself as dominant and into spanking. He sounded okay on the phone. We met for dinner. He was older than I and not quite as appealing as I had hoped. I think he liked what he saw however. I asked him about getting tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side. He looked at me like I was nuts. I finally realized he was impotent. I decided to carry on.
We ended up at his apartment. He had letters from women framed and on a table in his living room. They were essentially testimonials about what a wonderful lover he was. I wish I was making this up.
We retired to his bedroom. He undressed and proceeded to go down on me. Now, that is pleasant but it doesn’t really turn me on. And he was someone who bragged endlessly about how great
he was at it. I really wasn’t into it. The phone rang—saved by the bell! He apologized that he was expecting a business call. I got dressed. He came back and was angry, saying he knew I would do that. I tried to be polite and said I just needed to go home. He was very pissed off, wouldn’t even see me downstairs to get a cab.
The strange thing was that on the way home, I realized that I was almost giddy with happiness. I put on some music at home and started dancing. I felt I had a triumph! I had said no and left a situation I didn’t want. I felt very powerful. Probably the first time I had taken charge of my sexuality and not just tried to be a “good girl” who never complained.
Why do you think it's mostly men out there in the XXX-listings?
I think women just still don’t feel comfortable acknowledging that they have a strong sexual drive, as strong as men usually. We frequently are ashamed of it. We try to suppress it. Answering an ad or putting one in is not ladylike. Plus, you hear horror stories. I really think that women in general still need to explore their own bodies and try out different things to see what they like.
I was a 49 year old woman when I started, a little overweight not super attractive with a surging libido. And not knowing what to do with it was not pretty. Starting this journey of exploration suddenly at my age is bizarre—funny, interesting, weird. And I am glad its happened. its all just been such a revelation, it's been joyful.
So how did this all start for you?
I had a life-long battle with depression. So, when you are depressed, you don't have much of a libido anyway, and then the anti-depressants take care of the rest of it. I found that out and had a doctor put me on something else. When the other stuff wore off and my libido kicked in it was like “holy fucking Christ!” Bam—suddenly years worth of libido kicked in! I think I can honestly tell you, I know what a 16-year-old boy feels like. I just needed to get laid. Desperately. So I started with the Chicago Reader's X-matches.
So when was the first time you met someone through the X-matches?
I didn't list an ad at first, but I answered them. This man and I met at a restaurant nearby my apartment for a drink, middle of the afternoon. He was passable looking but not impressive. I was very unsure of myself at this point. I tried to make myself as attractive as possible and really primped. At my apartment I changed into “something more comfortable”—sort of a black lace and high heels number.
I realize now that I was trying way too hard. I didn’t have to go through all these things, he was ready anyway. But I thought at the time that I wasn’t quite good enough just the way I was.
I've always loved the XXX matches just right in the back of the paper.
I know! “I want anal sex”, “I want a threesome” right there in the newspaper, it's amazing. When I put out an ad, the tricky part was coming up with what to say, especially a title. I came up with “Doesn’t Anybody Wanna Fuck Anymore?”
So what happened once you listed it?
I got all of these responses and sorting them out was a chore. I got very “Emily Post,” I felt like I needed to respond to all of them—“thank you, but no thank you.” And by 89, it was like forget that. But what amazed me was how many younger men there were, I think maybe the youngest that responded was 19, and it went up into the 70's.
Did you end up dating any younger men?
The youngest I was with was 28. He was insane. I guess he could say he was my bad boy because he was kinda nuts and he carried a gun. I am so glad that stopped.
So what did you learn from all of the men you've met?
I’ve learned that more men than one might suppose are attracted to a woman who has extra weight on her. Weight and size are always huge issues with almost all women. We are taught that men want a certain thing and if you are not that thing, you are a loser. You have to conform no matter what—anorexia, bulimia, whatever. I think if it were more socially acceptable to be beyond a size 8 then more men would come out of the closet about their own tastes.
So did you get to explore fantasies?
Yes! I had a long running fantasy about submission and being spanked which I explored with different men. There was one man who was very much into dom/sub culture. He was married and said his wife didn’t want to do these things.
He wanted to collar me, as his slave. He had a ceremony that he found or wrote and emailed to me. It was like something out of Conan the Barbarian—I would be brought to him naked, kneel before him, recite some vows about obedience, receive the collar. It was so bizarre that I was stunned when I read it. It was way too much for me.
What was one of the most memorable guys?
There were so many good, hot experiences but a sort of negative one stands out. I answered an ad from a man who described himself as dominant and into spanking. He sounded okay on the phone. We met for dinner. He was older than I and not quite as appealing as I had hoped. I think he liked what he saw however. I asked him about getting tested for STDs, just to be on the safe side. He looked at me like I was nuts. I finally realized he was impotent. I decided to carry on.
We ended up at his apartment. He had letters from women framed and on a table in his living room. They were essentially testimonials about what a wonderful lover he was. I wish I was making this up.
We retired to his bedroom. He undressed and proceeded to go down on me. Now, that is pleasant but it doesn’t really turn me on. And he was someone who bragged endlessly about how great
he was at it. I really wasn’t into it. The phone rang—saved by the bell! He apologized that he was expecting a business call. I got dressed. He came back and was angry, saying he knew I would do that. I tried to be polite and said I just needed to go home. He was very pissed off, wouldn’t even see me downstairs to get a cab.
The strange thing was that on the way home, I realized that I was almost giddy with happiness. I put on some music at home and started dancing. I felt I had a triumph! I had said no and left a situation I didn’t want. I felt very powerful. Probably the first time I had taken charge of my sexuality and not just tried to be a “good girl” who never complained.
Why do you think it's mostly men out there in the XXX-listings?
I think women just still don’t feel comfortable acknowledging that they have a strong sexual drive, as strong as men usually. We frequently are ashamed of it. We try to suppress it. Answering an ad or putting one in is not ladylike. Plus, you hear horror stories. I really think that women in general still need to explore their own bodies and try out different things to see what they like.
I was a 49 year old woman when I started, a little overweight not super attractive with a surging libido. And not knowing what to do with it was not pretty. Starting this journey of exploration suddenly at my age is bizarre—funny, interesting, weird. And I am glad its happened. its all just been such a revelation, it's been joyful.
Have an STD? There are over 70 million people at POZmingle// the same as you. It's common to feel guilty or ashamed when you are diagnosed with H+. You may feel that your sex life is ruined or that someone you thought you could trust has hurt you. You may feel sad or upset. Keep in mind that you are one of millions of people who have it. You're Not Alone.
I've learned that the more a guy brags about his prowess, the more disappointed I will be...