Work, school, family, friends, hobbies, bills – all of the flotsam and jetsam of the lives we create for ourselves are carried along on the tide societal pressure until we sometimes feel adrift. How do you get in the mood to get your freak on?
It can be difficult, and seem jarring, to make the adjustment from the “mundane” to the sexually heightened word of kink, BDSM and power exchange. If you’re a take-charge person in your day job, yet crave the release of submission – or if you’re accustomed to following orders and long for the time you are the one in charge of your eager submissive – there can be a disconnect when it comes to bridging the gap between the reality of your public persona and the reality of your private persona.
Let me be absolutely clear: I am not one to discount the person you are in your kink life as “pretend” or “make-believe.” For some, this might be true, and their kink is a fun diversion, a role they assume. But for others Leather is more than a hide in which they hide. It is a lifestyle that is their reality. No one can make that call for you nor should anyone ever judge one choice as better or more “authentic” than another. All of the choices you make are as real as you make them.
So I don’t approach setting the stage for kink as a way to create a false reality. I look at it as a way to embrace a very real energy, a very tangible means to exchange power, regardless if this exchange is as ephemeral as an hour’s time in a scene or the acknowledgment of a lifetime bond between a master and their slave.
Setting the mood can be an elaborate and a multi-stage exercise that involves elaborate processes, or as simple as a handful of hair and a throaty growl in the ear. Time, space, desire and opportunity all come in to play. If you and your lover have an entire weekend together, it might be wonderful to have taken the time to have scripted an abducted prince and wicked witch fantasy that you can act out at your leisure. But there is no reason that 5 minutes in the back of your car can’t encompass a full scene. Whereas the former might have rules, backstory and elaborate costuming, the urgency of the latter can set the scene for an entirely different yet equally hot and connected scene.
How do we connect and re-connect in the midst of busy, hectic lives? How can we make safe space to engage in these beautiful, and sometimes challenging, journeys? Well, I’m all about the snappy phrasing and shit, so I’ve made it easy for y’all to remember by coming up with The Four Rs to help guide you through setting the scene, making it happen, and coming in for a safe and sexy landing.
My Four Rs are:
Relinquish. / Reclaim.
Ritualize.
Ride.
Return.
Each of these phases can be of various durations, and may or may not happen the same way. What is important is that you set the intention of your encounter, and in that way maximize your potential pleasure. Let’s take a peek at how you might approach The Four Rs as they relate to setting the mood for your scene, or for your life!
It can be difficult, and seem jarring, to make the adjustment from the “mundane” to the sexually heightened word of kink, BDSM and power exchange. If you’re a take-charge person in your day job, yet crave the release of submission – or if you’re accustomed to following orders and long for the time you are the one in charge of your eager submissive – there can be a disconnect when it comes to bridging the gap between the reality of your public persona and the reality of your private persona.
Let me be absolutely clear: I am not one to discount the person you are in your kink life as “pretend” or “make-believe.” For some, this might be true, and their kink is a fun diversion, a role they assume. But for others Leather is more than a hide in which they hide. It is a lifestyle that is their reality. No one can make that call for you nor should anyone ever judge one choice as better or more “authentic” than another. All of the choices you make are as real as you make them.
So I don’t approach setting the stage for kink as a way to create a false reality. I look at it as a way to embrace a very real energy, a very tangible means to exchange power, regardless if this exchange is as ephemeral as an hour’s time in a scene or the acknowledgment of a lifetime bond between a master and their slave.
Setting the mood can be an elaborate and a multi-stage exercise that involves elaborate processes, or as simple as a handful of hair and a throaty growl in the ear. Time, space, desire and opportunity all come in to play. If you and your lover have an entire weekend together, it might be wonderful to have taken the time to have scripted an abducted prince and wicked witch fantasy that you can act out at your leisure. But there is no reason that 5 minutes in the back of your car can’t encompass a full scene. Whereas the former might have rules, backstory and elaborate costuming, the urgency of the latter can set the scene for an entirely different yet equally hot and connected scene.
How do we connect and re-connect in the midst of busy, hectic lives? How can we make safe space to engage in these beautiful, and sometimes challenging, journeys? Well, I’m all about the snappy phrasing and shit, so I’ve made it easy for y’all to remember by coming up with The Four Rs to help guide you through setting the scene, making it happen, and coming in for a safe and sexy landing.
My Four Rs are:
Relinquish. / Reclaim.
Ritualize.
Ride.
Return.
Each of these phases can be of various durations, and may or may not happen the same way. What is important is that you set the intention of your encounter, and in that way maximize your potential pleasure. Let’s take a peek at how you might approach The Four Rs as they relate to setting the mood for your scene, or for your life!
Return
One of the things people most often forget about setting the stage for sexytime is what the hell happens after the sexytime winds down. We kinksters and pervy types frequently refer to the business you get up to during the refractory period as “aftercare.” After unleashing all of this awesome energy, it is vital that we return to a state from which we may safely return to the Default World.
Again, this varies widely from person to person. For some, aftercare is as simple as “That was great Thanks!” and they’re off to the next thing. Some people need hug and cuddles and blankets and choccies and … and …and … knowing ahead of time how this is going to be handled and how you will take your leave helps to ease the transition of your emotional electrons back to your ground state from the excited states.
Even people who live together would do well to work these things out. If one of you has plans to hang out with their buddies, or if you’re poly and your wife’s girlfriend is coming over after your hot scene, will you be sure you feel cared for in the wake of the amazing scene you just had? If you’re meeting someone for the first time, and you connect very deeply, you might want more. Or if you don’t connect at all and you need to process the scene with someone else, do you have a friend who can stand in as an “aftercare buddy” and hash it out so you don’t feel left hanging?
I recently played with a friend who hadn’t much explored power exchange dynamics. And I am the sort of slave-identified submissive person who has taken collars Very Seriously, and didn’t allow myself to play with them. I decided I was going to get over this, however, and got myself a “play collar.” I thought about the collar less as a MASSIVE EPIC SYMBOL OF SLAVERY and more as a very succinct and tangible way to demarcate the beginning, duration and withdrawal from a dominant / submissive dynamic.
When my friend and I were ready to begin the evening, I knelt in front of him, he fastened it on, and I gave myself to him for the next few hours. And a few hours later, a tired, wrung-out, well-fucked mess, when the collar came off, it was a quiet and succinct way for us to return to our Default World roles as friends who occasionally get busy.
Whatever it takes to set the scene, create safe space, enjoy the ride and then stick the landing is all right. Really. Some of us need more care an attention than others, and making your needs known doesn’t make you any less desirable a partner. Fewer things are sexier than asking “What can I do to make this hot for you?” Props and costumes and negotiations are wonderful, but what seals the deal on setting the mood is setting the stage for your own emotional health. Take care of yourself, take care of your partners, and let the beauty of kink unfold before you.
Again, this varies widely from person to person. For some, aftercare is as simple as “That was great Thanks!” and they’re off to the next thing. Some people need hug and cuddles and blankets and choccies and … and …and … knowing ahead of time how this is going to be handled and how you will take your leave helps to ease the transition of your emotional electrons back to your ground state from the excited states.
Even people who live together would do well to work these things out. If one of you has plans to hang out with their buddies, or if you’re poly and your wife’s girlfriend is coming over after your hot scene, will you be sure you feel cared for in the wake of the amazing scene you just had? If you’re meeting someone for the first time, and you connect very deeply, you might want more. Or if you don’t connect at all and you need to process the scene with someone else, do you have a friend who can stand in as an “aftercare buddy” and hash it out so you don’t feel left hanging?
I recently played with a friend who hadn’t much explored power exchange dynamics. And I am the sort of slave-identified submissive person who has taken collars Very Seriously, and didn’t allow myself to play with them. I decided I was going to get over this, however, and got myself a “play collar.” I thought about the collar less as a MASSIVE EPIC SYMBOL OF SLAVERY and more as a very succinct and tangible way to demarcate the beginning, duration and withdrawal from a dominant / submissive dynamic.
When my friend and I were ready to begin the evening, I knelt in front of him, he fastened it on, and I gave myself to him for the next few hours. And a few hours later, a tired, wrung-out, well-fucked mess, when the collar came off, it was a quiet and succinct way for us to return to our Default World roles as friends who occasionally get busy.
Whatever it takes to set the scene, create safe space, enjoy the ride and then stick the landing is all right. Really. Some of us need more care an attention than others, and making your needs known doesn’t make you any less desirable a partner. Fewer things are sexier than asking “What can I do to make this hot for you?” Props and costumes and negotiations are wonderful, but what seals the deal on setting the mood is setting the stage for your own emotional health. Take care of yourself, take care of your partners, and let the beauty of kink unfold before you.
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