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Secrets of a Sex Writer: I Have Trouble Having Orgasms — and I’m Okay With That

Anya Garrett
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True confession time: I have trouble with orgasms. By which I mean, I am not the queen of the multiple orgasm, or even the single orgasm. I like them, sure, but they don’t always like me back.



Hi Rachel - thanks for this sensitive and insightful article. My wife and I have had a similar journey -- she was non-orgasmic for the first two years of our relationship (eventually finding her own path there.) While reaching climax has generally gotten easier for her in the ten years since, it's by no means easy or predictable. I had some learning of my own to do -- not only in how to help her pleasure, but especially that it was fine for both of us when it doesn't happen. We have a great time when we go for the big finish, and also when we choose not to. Your stance of no pressure from either side is an excellent place to be. Have fun!


This is a really great article. There is so much pressure to have the Big O that we sometimes forget about all of the other wonderful aspects of sex; the closeness, intimacy, and exploring other parts of our bodies. Well written and well said Thank you!


Thanks for your insight. My orgasms work like a clockwork and it's difficult for me to imagine a situation like yours when a woman likes sex, has a high level of sexual literacy and skill and despite this sometimes struggles to come. I'd really want to see some good research on the reasons for differences between women like me and you.


Rachel, thanks so much. I'm in the same boat and feel like I could have written parts of this article. Antidepressants make my "problem" worse. And because I write about sex, I feel like I should have orgasms at the drop of the hat. (Reading most erotica doesn't help either, because most of the women portrayed can have multiple orgasms easily.) Thanks again.


Oh wow, thank you so much for this piece. I've been almost completely anorgasmic for almost three years now - in the last couple of months I've had a couple of what felt like mini-orgasms, but nowhere near what I had before, when multiples were not uncommon and it was really rare for me to not come at all.

Anyway, what I wanted to say was thank you for basically covering all the bases for my experiences. It's also good to hear of other sex writers/bloggers (I have a sex and kink and anorgsmia blog) who are in a similar situation.


Interviews with Award Winning Author of Erotica Rachel Kramer Bussel

  • Writing quality erotica can be very tricky. As both an accomplished editor and author what do you seek out from your work that separates it from other erotica being published?

    Rachel Kramer Bussel is a New York-based author, editor, blogger and reading series host. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations, wrote the Lusty Lady column for The Village Voice, and hosts the monthly In The Flesh Reading Series, where she's booked everyone from Susie Bright to Zane. She has written for Cosmopolitan, The Daily Beast,, Gothamist, Mediabistro, Newsday, New York Post, Penthouse, Playgirl, Time Out New York, and other publications. Her writing has been published in over 100 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006, the Best Women's Erotica Series, Zane's Succulent: Chocolate Flava II and Purple Panties, and others. She wrote her first erotica story, "Monica and Me," about Monica Lewinsky, in 1999 and has been writing smut, first-person essays and journalism about sex and relationships, pop culture, and books ever since. Rachel has a fondness for spanking, rough sex, hotels and general naughtiness...when she can tear herself away from her computer and iPhone. She also has a unbridled passion for cupcakes which she blogs about frequently at her popular group blog Cupcakes Take the Cake.

     Read full interview

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