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The Bloggess: Autoerotic Asphyxiation

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Why stop there?

  10 slightly less dangerous alternatives to autoerotic asphyxiation"

1. Masturbate while standing in a fire ant bed.
2. Right before you ejaculate, stab yourself in the leg with a fork.
3. Jerk off while skydiving. (But use a condom because I heard if you toss a penny off a skyscraper it could kill someone so probably sperm dropped from 20,000 feet could rip someone’s arm off.)
4. Have sex with a hornet’s nest.
5. Have sex with a bear who’s totally not into it.
6. Have sex with a dragon.
7. Fall into a deep well. Bring your lotion.
8. Stub your toe really hard. No, harder. Dude, are you even trying? It’s like you don’t even want to have an orgasm.
9. Don’t care about your cholesterol. Also? Fuck flossing. Act like you want gingivitis.
10. Underestimate the importance of a balanced breakfast. In fact, never eat breakfast again.
11. Masturbate during a root canal or open-heart surgery.
12. Masturbate in a tornado. Next to a pasture of live cows. And a store that sells only loose nails. And a bucket of pythons that are soaked in something you’re allergic to.

There. I probably just saved you life. You’re welcome.

Update: Okay, I just turned this into my editor and she’s all “Uh…nice work but people who practice autoerotic asphyxiation don’t usually do it for an adrenaline rush. They do it because the lack of oxygen causes light-headedness and lowers inhibitions. Did you research this at all?” And no, actually I didn’t. But thank God I didn’t, because otherwise this whole article would have just been one sentence: “Why don’t you just fucking drink a beer, dumb-ass?” The end.

Comments

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Contributor: iwantyouwantingme

All I can say to this is... It puts lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again...

02/11/2012
Contributor: Terry13
Terry13  

autoerotic asphyxiation isnt just for masturbating and can be good if done safely

05/28/2012

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