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The Bloggess: Autoerotic Asphyxiation

The Bloggess: Autoerotic Asphyxiation
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Why stop there?

  10 slightly less dangerous alternatives to autoerotic asphyxiation"

1. Masturbate while standing in a fire ant bed.
2. Right before you ejaculate, stab yourself in the leg with a fork.
3. Jerk off while skydiving. (But use a condom because I heard if you toss a penny off a skyscraper it could kill someone so probably sperm dropped from 20,000 feet could rip someone’s arm off.)
4. Have sex with a hornet’s nest.
5. Have sex with a bear who’s totally not into it.
6. Have sex with a dragon.
7. Fall into a deep well. Bring your lotion.
8. Stub your toe really hard. No, harder. Dude, are you even trying? It’s like you don’t even want to have an orgasm.
9. Don’t care about your cholesterol. Also? Fuck flossing. Act like you want gingivitis.
10. Underestimate the importance of a balanced breakfast. In fact, never eat breakfast again.
11. Masturbate during a root canal or open-heart surgery.
12. Masturbate in a tornado. Next to a pasture of live cows. And a store that sells only loose nails. And a bucket of pythons that are soaked in something you’re allergic to.

There. I probably just saved you life. You’re welcome.

Update: Okay, I just turned this into my editor and she’s all “Uh…nice work but people who practice autoerotic asphyxiation don’t usually do it for an adrenaline rush. They do it because the lack of oxygen causes light-headedness and lowers inhibitions. Did you research this at all?” And no, actually I didn’t. But thank God I didn’t, because otherwise this whole article would have just been one sentence: “Why don’t you just fucking drink a beer, dumb-ass?” The end.

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Comments

All I can say to this is... It puts lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again...

02/11/2012
Terry13  

autoerotic asphyxiation isnt just for masturbating and can be good if done safely

05/28/2012

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Discussion Last Post Category
Sex that's less likely to kill you. [5] Sep.21, 2009
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Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [http://thebloggess.com/|thebloggess.com], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/columns/the-bloggess/|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including Salon.com and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-does-japan4-110691/|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [http://www.edenfantasys.com/sexis/adult-humor/bloggess-nina-hartley-best-friend-0204101/|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [http://thebloggess.com/?p=5168|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

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