1. Sexy Pilgrim (Kind of awesome, actually.)
2. “I’VE GOT THE WEIRDEST BONER RIGHT NOW.”
3. That is the most expensive chocolate penis I have ever been tempted to buy.
4. Gay Dracula. Don’t knock it ‘til you try it.
5. Vintage. Vibrator. Museum. Someone’s going to get electrocuted.
6. Apple-infused horse semen. It’s the new jello-shot. And now I’m going to throw up for a bit.
7. Witches broomsticks were actually dildoes. Oh, you silly muggles.
8. Actual headline: Teens accused of making Gustav the formerly lustful ostrich impotent.
9. $3,475 unicorn butt plug. No. Really.
10. 51 Christian phrases for the word “vagina.” I think “Twattle-dandy” is my personal favorite.