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Real Men Eat Pussy—and Kiss Ass

Real Men Eat Pussy—and Kiss Ass
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I don't believe that all things must be equal in a sexual relationship—few things in life in general, much less in any kind of human relationship, are truly equal. We all have ways in which we intentionally or unintentionally get over on someone else or receive more than another person in the course of human dynamics.

  Be a Man

In that traditional manly sense. Suck it up (literally). Jack up your pants (metaphorically). Get down to business (literally).

For God's sake: We men have a tradition of being all stoic and doing our duty and paying for dates and protecting our loved ones at the expense of our own safety, and many of us can't be cheerful about licking a vulva, sucking a clit and dipping our tongues as deeply into the vagina as we can?

I realize that as the divisions between the genders have softened and in some cases dissolved, there are less truly “manly” or “womanly” tasks. But let's face it: Realistically, men and women still have different expectations, both in terms of what they think they should do and what they think the other gender should do.

In reality, men may have a lower pain threshold than a woman, but we're still expected to suffer in silence more. I don't see licking a woman between the legs as a form of suffering, so get to it and don't complain.

Why am I harping on this?

Because I still see and hear too many men complain about having to give cunnilingus. It smells fishy! It tastes sour! My tongue gets sore! Oh, dear me! But even though I won't lick you out, or do so grudgingly, I want you to enjoy sucking my dick. Often. In fact, right now.

I call bullshit.

Do your share. More than that, learn to enjoy the act of cunnilingus, even if it's just to tolerate what you don't like for the pleasure of hearing the woman moan and making her come, and then reaping the rewards of her pleasuring you in return.

But to get to that point, let's address those complaints I noted.

  Eau de Seafood

The vaginal zone does not smell like a seafood shack. It simply does not—at least not under normal circumstances. If a woman truly smells overwhelmingly fishy down there—and I mean frightfully so—the woman quite likely has an infection. What is needed is probably some medical attention. Not douching; not ignoring it. Attention to the problem. It's also possible the woman may not have a raging infection but simply lacks thorough hygiene. Again, I don't mean lack of douching; please don't douche regularly—it's bad for the vagina. I just mean that I'm sure there are women who don't wipe or gently wash their parts in the shower very often. Both genders have their people who are averse to cleansing.

In any case, we've addressed the truly strong odor issue.

But most women don't smell that bad down there. Or bad at all. It's just that most men get a whiff of something vaguely reminiscent of fish and then recoil. They blow it up in their minds to be more than it really is, and they become total fucking wimps, much like when they get a cold and many of them revert to toddler mode and have to be taken care of all of a sudden.

You don't walk past a seafood counter in the grocery store or wander a fisherman's wharf in a place like San Francisco holding your nose or openly whining, and that's a lot more seafood-y than any vagina I've ever encountered. So keep it in perspective.

More importantly, make the smell go away. Or, rather, replace it with something more sexual, sensual and pleasant. You know, that delicately musky smell that so often gets mentioned in erotica fiction. That's the smell of arousal.

You get that scent, which will help motivate you to lick deeper and with more gusto, by arousing the woman. Dealing with a couple minutes of mildly pseudo-fishy smell to get the other scent flowing is a small (very small) price to pay. Or, you could spend some time kissing and licking her thighs, at the very least, and teasing the outer lips of her vulva with a moistened fingertip to start things on the path to better womanly perfume.

  Sour Patch Lips

Now, about that so-called sour taste? First off, the woman you're with probably doesn't always taste even remotely sour in and around her vulva. A lot depends on circumstances. Has it been a hot, humid sweaty kind of day? Are you getting to her after she's been in the same panties all day long? Did she pee in the relatively recent past?

These and other factors will affect how the skin tastes, much like with your cock, which may not always taste all that good, either, at first (plus, the taste of semen can vary widely from day to day depending on what you eat; something I've never noticed with a woman's pussy juices—so women have that extra burden when it comes to oral sex).

The answer? Lick. And keep licking until the taste changes.

Now, if the woman has a mass of congealed nasty white gunk the moment you get down there, there may (once again) be a hygiene problem at work. Aroused womanly secretions tend to be slick, creamy and fluid. Old, crusty smegma isn't healthy or attractive and I don't recommend you chowing down on that. But just a slightly sour taste? That's life. Lick it. Lick through it. Lick past it.

As the woman becomes aroused, guess what? Her juices will flow, and her delicate skin will warm and change texture. And the taste, like the smell, typically changes and turns into something far more pleasurable.

For a small moment of bitterness, you will be rewarded with something sweeter for the remainder of your time pleasuring her with your mouth. Patience and dealing with a short-term burden on your senses will pay off in the end for both of you.

  It Hurts!

Oh, poor boy...your tongue is sore, either right after giving oral sex or the next day. Woe is you.

What's wrong with you? Stop complaining. Have you never been sore after a workout? Or had aching thighs after a fantastic session of fucking? Or tight muscles after playing some volleyball or softball or football or whatever? Or even sore finger after a lot of sexting or just typing for a job?

Get over it. We often pay for our work or for our great pleasure with small aches. Put it in perspective and move on.

  Kissing Ass

Now that you've manned up in terms of the pussy (I hope), assuming you hadn't already long since done so, let's talk about kissing ass. I don't mean metaphorically kissing her ass, though that might sometimes be called for as well, especially if you fucked up in the relationship recently. I'm talking about literally putting your tongue and lips not just on her ass checks but between them.

Yes, the infamous rimjob.

Licking the brown bud.

It can be quite nice, and while I won't say that real men always kiss ass like that, I think they should strongly consider doing so.

Look, I get that we have lots of hangups about assholes and playing with them or having our own played with. Over the years, I've found it to be a wonderful place to play and be played upon. A single finger, well moistened, in my wife's asshole gently massaging while I lick her out can produce some wild orgasms.

Also, licking her asshole, kissing it and even shoving the tip of my tongue inside her anus can drive her wild. Part of it is the naughtiness, I'm sure, but there are also plenty of nerve endings down there, and they don't get play very often sexually, so they can make her (or you, for that matter, if she returns the favor) very happy.

Do I recommend eating out a woman's ass right after a shit? No. Even the best wipe-up job can't always get everything. We all know this. The anus isn't nearly as good at emptying everything out when it comes to feces as the urethra is with piss.

But generally speaking, there is no shit waiting for you just on the other side of her brown bud. Far from it. I have yet to stick my finger up my wife there during playtime and come out with shit on it. Of course I don't go sticking it inside her vagina right after because of the risk of bacterial cross-contamination, nor am I likely to suck on it until I've washed up. But really, how far into her ass do you really think you can get your tongue, unless you're Gene Simmons from the band KISS?

A little ass licking and even probing a bit into her anus, assuming it's clean, isn't going to hurt you under typical circumstances. And it will make her happy unless she's got a real hangup about her ass, but that's a whole other issue I don't have time to go into.

The ass does taste a lot different than the vulva and outer portion of the vagina. No doubt. Very different. But not shitty. There is often an earthy tone to the flavor and scent there, and sometimes a bitter tang. But the fact is that various forms of the leafy veggie endive in a salad can be bitter, and many of us happily eat it. Bitter isn't always bad. It's about context and the totality of the experience.

A lot of you guys out there, like me, have done tequila shots. Tequila, for most of us, tastes nasty. That's part of the reason we follow it up with salt and lime. Also, how many of us men who drink would turn down a chance to do a tequila body shot off a woman we found sexy?

Yeah, thought so.

So, try out a woman's ass sometime. You might find it's not as bad as you thought. You might, in fact, find you like it. And she probably will as well.

But if nothing else, man up and go down on her—regularly—if you don't already do so. Don't be a pussy; eat pussy.

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Comments

Howley  

Ha. I agree and I like the way you write; I find it entertainingly humorous (not haha at you funny but like attitude funny)

08/25/2012

RIGHT ON!!!

08/27/2012

That is one thing I can say I have never had issues with. My philosophy is 'if you can't eat it you damn sure don't need it'.

08/27/2012

Always glad to bring a smile to people's faces...or a few dribbles of delicious cream...

08/28/2012

I really wish I could explain this to my boyfriend. He loves blow jobs and I will do them even though I hate the taste. I've even swallowed for his enjoyment. For some reason he just won't return the favor even when I outright ask. (which btw makes me feel quite pathetic) I always shower, shave, and very thoroughly wash myself before we get intimate unless it's an unplanned quickie situation in which case doesn't usually involve much foreplay to begin with. Even when he is well aware that I did all the above things I still get nothing. I makes me pretty self conscious about myself.

08/28/2012

Ugh. I hate to hear of any situation in which a partner makes the other partner feel less highly of themselves or self-conscious. Also not a big fan of hypocritical behavior, so I hope this guy has a whole lot of plusses in other categories to make up for these debits. Have you ever discussed with him how his approach/attitude makes you feel?

08/29/2012

This article needs to be spammed all over the internet, and next time I hear about one of my buddies in a situation concerning this problem of inequality, I'm going to direct them here.

Also, that "going down" picture is hilarious in this context!

08/29/2012

You're a really great writer. I love your style. You make a very good point, and I wish every man could read this article.

08/30/2012

Thanks much. I do hope plenty of guys read this and rethink any bad attitudes they have about giving...especially if they are of the mindset that they should receive on a regular basis.

09/03/2012

Sorry just seen your reply
He really isn't much of a giver in this area though, he used to be. We are each others firsts and only so we've had a lot of time to explore ourselves as well as each other. He gets discouraged when he can't make me orgasm (he never has in our 3 years of being sexually active) so he just doesn't try anymore. It's not that I can't climax with him just the only way was with me on top. Up until last week I wasn't ever able to bring myself to orgasm without a vibrator. I don't know how but it's getting easier for me. Either way, we have talked about it and I always assure him that even though it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean it won't ever and besides, it still feels damn good! Kind of hard to get him to understand that it isn't all about the "finish line".

09/04/2012

My wife has that problem with me sometimes, too. I don't come either because I withheld for the sake of not procreating or because my penis is being cranky. I assure her that it felt good and that she came and those were my main goals, but sometimes she sees me coming as being the "proof" I enjoyed myself. Often not the case, though.

All the best for both of you to find ways that work best for you individually and together as time goes on. Lord knows my wife and I have shifted gears and strategies a few times over our 17 years together.

09/04/2012

I wish this article would have been written a few months ago when I was with my ex!!! I love all your points you made, my ex expected a blowjob every time we got intimate but I never got ate out. I think in the year we were together I got it maybe 2-3 times an it wasn't his best ever. We were together in prior years where he had no problem going down on me but when we got back together 2 years later he refused even if I begged!! I was always told NO I am not doing it but he would get pissed when I would tell him I wouldn't go down on him in that case. Luckily though I am now seeing man who would rather eat me all day long then penetrate me but I get it all (: Really great article an points!!

09/05/2012

Now, there's an unfortunate change of heart (the ex, of course). Why would you give up something so nice?

09/07/2012
Shayla  

love the article thankfully my guy loves going down, every single time we have sex, and he hardly ever wants me to return the favor, which I dont mind doing it he just doesnt really care too much about it

10/09/2012
Sera26  

I love the title.

10/17/2012

OMG I have no words. Okay, yes I do -- this is the most perfect article on the entire planet. Ahhh! Love it! Gosh, I was really sad to see comments from ladies saying their man absolutely refuses. Ugh. WTF? I hope they direct him here! Also, I'm glad to see one of them is without the man who refused but took instead. Kudos to a strong woman! As for me, I do not know what it would be like to have my partner NOT insist on doing it each and every single time. You know something though? After I read your article I thought "holy shit, I am going to have to tell him just how much I really do love it and appreciate that he loves doing it!" Lol. He often thinks I'll get tired of it, and I try to explain... that is something that NEVER gets old. Lol. Lovely article!

10/24/2012

Let me start off by saying: There are few things better than a man that really enjoys (and is good at) licking pussy.
I love it.
Sadly, (the story you've heard before!) my man does not enjoy doing it! I love going down on him, I do it every time but he rarely returns the favor, and never without my begging him for it. If he does oblige me, he races through it like an inconvenience. It's really hard to enjoy when you know the other person doesn't like it.

What the heck is a girl to do?

12/07/2012

Seriously, if a man is complaining about his tongue that is just ignorant of him. I'm a guy so I do realize that your tongue does get sore, but my god, its not for you, its for her, so do her this favor for her and let her enjoy it!

12/10/2012
Bri9  

I think everyman should read this article. Well said!

12/17/2012

LOVE LOVE LOVE this article. Now, if I could only remember those ex's e-mail addresses to pass this along...

04/04/2013

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