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Setting the Mood for Your Kinky Groove

Setting the Mood for Your Kinky Groove
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Few of us are able to live an openly kinky lifestyle around the clock and under all circumstances. The pressures of what many call “vanilla” life, but what I prefer to refer to as the “Default World”, are overwhelming at times.

  Relinquish / Reclaim

This one is gonna depend on where you fall on the continuum of the power dynamic. For the one assuming the top role, dominating their partner or assuming mastery of another, reclaiming that power can be the first step in creating space.

The reclamation begins from within. Most folks live in a world where there is an ebb and flow of power, and it shifts in subtle ways throughout our lives. When you enter the space of someone with whom you’ve agreed to consensually exchange power, it is vital that you, as the one in charge, feel grounded and at peace with your role before reclaiming that power. Reclaiming your dominant self, embracing your mastery, fully feeling the source of your energy as a top will more likely translate with clarity and joy, and set the stage for a great scene or a wonderful re-affirmation of yourself.

Submissive, slave and bottom types – those who thrive when relinquishing power – do well to take some time to accentuate the positive when setting the stage for an encounter. There is a power in the vulnerability of handing over power to another who is willing to revel in the trust, and respect the spirit of the one who submits.

Knowing that you are valued and worthy is a really kick-ass way to approach submission and bottoming. Relinquishing power isn’t about erasing your value: it is about truly embracing the beauty of your submissive soul. Look inside yourself, find the part of you that is fed and nourished when you secede power to someone you trust and you’ll tap into a wonderful jumping-off point for your journey!

  Ritualize

Some people have elaborate rituals for getting into their headspace. I know of people who have special bathing routines, mantras that are chanted, special clothing that is saved for those special occasions. Still others have something as simple as a lingering moment of eye contact, or a few softly spoken words that create ritual space wherein the conscious connection commences. The removal of clothing, the addition of a special sartorial selection, a position of physical dominance where a boot is kissed after the slave crawls across the floor to their waiting dominant, a series of questions about mindset and readiness.

What works for you? What gets you going?

My first time in service, part of my ritual for entering the house of my dominant was to kneel by the front door until he was ready for me. Sometimes this was a brief touch of my knee to the floor before he called me to him, and sometimes this became an hour of meditation. He seemed particularly adept at leaving me there if I came into the house in an agitated state.

Some evenings I resented this – I had things to do, dammit, and how on Earth was I gonna get ‘em done if I was fucking around kneeling by the goddamned door – and some nights I was grateful for the chance to catch my breath. Regardless, knowing that I had this ritual in place gave me room to do what it is I wanted to learn to do as a slave: obey without question.

Ritual is vital for dominants and masters as well. It can feed the fountain of power by reminding you of the beauty inherent in these small but vital routines. Fastening a collar around the neck of your slave might be a simple physical act, but elevating it to ritual that reinforces, with a physical object, the bond of your dominance and submission. And that can be pretty fucking hot.

  Ride

It can be difficult to let go. So much of life is about responsibility, the rules of engagement, of “polite society” but the broad spectrum of BDSM and Kink gives you permission to move your energy in directions that don’t necessarily fir the mold.

It is an awesome power, that of letting go and riding the ride. Enjoy the energy, feel your feelings, let yourself go. Even in the position of the one taking command there is release, and fulfillment. And in the position of the one relinquishing that control, you are on board to ride some amazing energies! Once you have achieved that “zone,” that headspace where the people in the scene experience one another’s elevated energies, honoring the journey and reveling in that space continues the journey of fulfillment.

Take it in, soak all of yourself in it. Try to release the quotidian manacles of inhibition and just…fly. You’ve set the stage for this adventure. Play out your fantasies to the hilt, and honor the courage it takes to get to this subliminal place.

  Return

One of the things people most often forget about setting the stage for sexytime is what the hell happens after the sexytime winds down. We kinksters and pervy types frequently refer to the business you get up to during the refractory period as “aftercare.” After unleashing all of this awesome energy, it is vital that we return to a state from which we may safely return to the Default World.

Again, this varies widely from person to person. For some, aftercare is as simple as “That was great Thanks!” and they’re off to the next thing. Some people need hug and cuddles and blankets and choccies and … and …and … knowing ahead of time how this is going to be handled and how you will take your leave helps to ease the transition of your emotional electrons back to your ground state from the excited states.

Even people who live together would do well to work these things out. If one of you has plans to hang out with their buddies, or if you’re poly and your wife’s girlfriend is coming over after your hot scene, will you be sure you feel cared for in the wake of the amazing scene you just had? If you’re meeting someone for the first time, and you connect very deeply, you might want more. Or if you don’t connect at all and you need to process the scene with someone else, do you have a friend who can stand in as an “aftercare buddy” and hash it out so you don’t feel left hanging?

I recently played with a friend who hadn’t much explored power exchange dynamics. And I am the sort of slave-identified submissive person who has taken collars Very Seriously, and didn’t allow myself to play with them. I decided I was going to get over this, however, and got myself a “play collar.” I thought about the collar less as a MASSIVE EPIC SYMBOL OF SLAVERY and more as a very succinct and tangible way to demarcate the beginning, duration and withdrawal from a dominant / submissive dynamic.

When my friend and I were ready to begin the evening, I knelt in front of him, he fastened it on, and I gave myself to him for the next few hours. And a few hours later, a tired, wrung-out, well-fucked mess, when the collar came off, it was a quiet and succinct way for us to return to our Default World roles as friends who occasionally get busy.

Whatever it takes to set the scene, create safe space, enjoy the ride and then stick the landing is all right. Really. Some of us need more care an attention than others, and making your needs known doesn’t make you any less desirable a partner. Fewer things are sexier than asking “What can I do to make this hot for you?” Props and costumes and negotiations are wonderful, but what seals the deal on setting the mood is setting the stage for your own emotional health. Take care of yourself, take care of your partners, and let the beauty of kink unfold before you.

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