It's unfortunately a common misconception about BDSM. Tell him that he should read books, and come to any old adult site, including EF, and look at all the BDSM gear that happily kinky couples purchase for their sex lives. Have him read the reviews. Abuse has to be non-consensual, and BDSM is consensual. In fact, people who are into it and are responsible individuals go to great lengths to educate themselves about safety and having open communication with their partners. It has the potential to hurt someone seriously, either physically or emotionally, and people who are into it take it very seriously.

I know that a lot of people don't get how pain could be enjoyable or fun, or how power rifts in the bedroom can be gratifying for all involved. I think it takes an open mind, a taste for adventure and exploring the taboo, and definitely the right person to explore with. On the flipside, I've had totally vanilla sex with men who were abusive--they were selfish, didn't care about how I felt physically or emotionally, they were manipulative, and they were disrespectful. The best sex I've had of my life, the most gratifying, caring and loving, has been rough, kinky and intense--and we're just getting started. The trust that it takes for people to engage in this kind of sex is profound--I would never do such things with an abusive person. I started a tip of the ice-berg kinky relationship with someone who was awful towards me--and thankfully, I got away from him. Now I'm with someone who makes me feel respected, appreciated, understood and cherished--and he spanks me until I'm bruised, he bites me, handcuffs me, talks dirty to me, pushes me around the bedroom and fucks me silly. And I wanted all of it, we talked about it beforehand, we check in with each other afterwards to make sure we're still okay, and it's been very gratifying for us both. This is not abuse. This is how we like our sex lives, this is mutually satisfying, and this makes us happy. If I were being abused, I couldn't say a simple safe word and make it all stop if I want to--there are no safe words in instances of abuse.

It's not for everyone, and everyone is different, but I wish people would not jump to conclusions about sexual tastes that they don't understand. There are plenty of kinks that I don't get, quite a few I'm repulsed by--but hey, if you can find someone to share them with in privacy and no one gets hurt, what do I care?

I'd point out that consent is the primary rules of BDSM, and that the negative perception is an exaggeration. One book put it quite well with "the problem with the psychological perception of BDSM is that the majority of people who went into therapy were on the extreme end"