The New Intimacy

I am NOT intimidating!

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Contributor: trios trios
I discussed with my wife about her turn-ons the other night. First of all she mentioned that she liked to feel a 'loss of control'. Another thing that turned her on is a man who is intimidating- not necessarily scared for her safety intimidating, but I guess one who is unpredictable, etc.?

Here is where I am lost. She knows I love her and she feels safe with me (we have been married 7 years and have 3 kids). At the same time, I wonder if I bore her because she likes a little bit of intimidation. I am small stature, first of all and am a 'nice guy' (I am Richie Cunnigham!).

Anyone with suggestions on how I can 'intimidate' my wife, or at least give her an element of (genuine) intimidation?
07/31/2010
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Contributor: Sir Sir
Try getting a soft pair of cuffs made of neoprene, a soft blindfold, and a tickler (with feathers). Put the blindfold on her and cuff her hands behind her back. Then use the tickler on her and tease her a bit with it, maybe kiss her in special places. This might make you feel a bit more "intimidating," I suppose. Might make you assume the role more easily.
07/31/2010
Contributor: Blinker Blinker
Quote:
Originally posted by trios
I discussed with my wife about her turn-ons the other night. First of all she mentioned that she liked to feel a 'loss of control'. Another thing that turned her on is a man who is intimidating- not necessarily scared for her safety ... more
Try some dirty talk, and see how she responds. Then get a little rougher with what you say and see where it goes. Sometimes a sexy growling voice can be intimidating in the best way possible.
07/31/2010
Contributor: deltalima deltalima
I would suggest giving her a strong kiss and proceeding from there. You could bring her to the bed and order her around. This worked for me when my boyfriend came in right before I was going to take a shower and told me to be ready. He then slowly undressed and as he was doing that, he voiced what he was going to do and what he wanted. I was just sitting there astonished because he was forceful and it was hot. Good luck to you.
08/01/2010
Contributor: removedacnt removedacnt
Do something that she totally would not expect from you. My husband never talks when we're playing. The couple of times he has said something dirty or demanding, immediately ran chills through my body. I loved it! I just wish he did it a bit more often.
08/01/2010
Contributor: trios trios
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
Try getting a soft pair of cuffs made of neoprene, a soft blindfold, and a tickler (with feathers). Put the blindfold on her and cuff her hands behind her back. Then use the tickler on her and tease her a bit with it, maybe kiss her in special ... more
Thanks for your help!

I tried tying her up once and put a blindfold on her. But as my first time doing that I messed up and took them off after foreplay, and I put her arms in front her her, which gave her too much control. I think I'll do that again, this time leaving her tied up and the blindfold on throughout our time together. Will try the tickler, but it may annoy her so may try spanking if it does...

I am getting used to being more dominant, this could be fun!
08/01/2010
Contributor: trios trios
Quote:
Originally posted by Blinker
Try some dirty talk, and see how she responds. Then get a little rougher with what you say and see where it goes. Sometimes a sexy growling voice can be intimidating in the best way possible.
I do talk alot of dirty talk, esp as foreplay. Maybe I will be more commanding. When you say rough do you mean 'impatient', or 'angry'?
08/01/2010
Contributor: Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by trios
I do talk alot of dirty talk, esp as foreplay. Maybe I will be more commanding. When you say rough do you mean 'impatient', or 'angry'?
Usually 'demanding'. "This and this and this, now, wench! Any excuses gets you a spanking!"
08/01/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by trios
I discussed with my wife about her turn-ons the other night. First of all she mentioned that she liked to feel a 'loss of control'. Another thing that turned her on is a man who is intimidating- not necessarily scared for her safety ... more
Maybe she MEANT a man who is Dominant and In Control. I like a man to be Dom. I certainly don't like to be intimidated (it scares me, although it is pretty hard to do) but I DO really like a Masculine, Dominant, Top.

That doesn't mean I want to be mistreated, though.

I would perhaps ask her to clarify what she meant, maybe even specific activities she is thinking about. I'm guessing she's looking for a Top (meaning the Dom in a D/S relationship, at least in the bedroom) who will take the lead role in sex, (but she can still initiate when she feels like it) maybe get into a little light B&D and things like that.

Nina Hartley has a good chapter in her book, "Nina Hartley's Guide to Total Sex" about BDSM, Topping, Bottoming, Switching and how to stay Safe, Sane and use Consent.

I know there are other sources out there, and I am sure other posters will post them.

Oh, the neoprene cuff idea (as long as she consents to them) is a great idea and are a nice way to start with B&D.

Also, chili and the other suggestions were great! I LOVE when My Man just walks into the room, says noting and throws me on the bed and Goes South, my "protests" (which he knows aren't real) are part of the fun. You may want to have a Safe Word, at least at first, in case one of you gets overwhelmed. Either of you can say it and EVERYTHING STOPS. Then you talk about what happened or what was too much and carry on from there. Some people use a word like "Pineapple" or "Giraffe" so it doesn't get confused with other things normally said during sex.
08/01/2010
Contributor: Owl Identified Owl Identified
I agree with P'Gell. You can be a nice guy AND take on a dominant role in the bedroom. Having a sexual fantasy about being taken control of or dominated does not necessarily equal a masochistic fantasy, and even if it does: there is a huge departure between the reality of your personality and relationship dynamic and the fantasy involved in sexual role playing. You don't need to actually be a mean guy, you don't even need to be a dominant guy, you just need to pretend to be one in bed.

However, if this is not a role that you feel comfortable with or that is awkward and difficult to put on, you may need to communicate this to your wife. Just because that is her fantasy does not mean that it is yours, and what turns her on may just make sex uncomfortable for you. You should also never feel inadequate or not enough because of who you are and what your sexual preferences are.

This is okay though, if you don't have compatible preferences in this one area. There are MANY sexual scenes, roles and activities that you can explore together and if you keep having these conversations (I think it's great to have the kind of discussions you're having, by the way) you will eventually find something that will rock BOTH of your worlds! I hope this helped, and good luck
08/01/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
I'm glad you two are talking trios. It's healthy and can lead to some really WILD and nurturing times in the bedroom. (yes, B&D can really bring you closer and feel nurtured.)

This is our first set of cuffs (with some nice tethers) they are well made and have easy on, easy off for those who are not yet "hard core" but are strong enough to hold a struggling Bottom. link

I can actually get them off myself, which went a long way in the way we play. (Also, My Man tends to fall asleep when we have sex at night, and although he's never done it while we were using this set, I feel more comfortable knowing I have an "out" whether he's asleep or I just want to take them off.)
08/01/2010
Contributor: joja joja
A lot of dominance is in tone of voice and how you hold yourself. I'm a skinny 5'5" woman and I can order my boyfriend around and make him cower if I want to (in a consensual situation, of course).
08/01/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by trios
Thanks for your help!

I tried tying her up once and put a blindfold on her. But as my first time doing that I messed up and took them off after foreplay, and I put her arms in front her her, which gave her too much control. I think I'll ... more
If she gets annoyed then slow down but don't stop. Growl at her that you like her fireceness but it doesn't phase you...that can make even the most meek guy seem wild and dangerous. She knows you won't hurt her but then again DOES she really know you? That's the naughty game.
08/01/2010
Contributor: trios trios
Is there any movie that you know of out there that I can study the character who is like what y'all are describing?

For instance, what comes to mind is Anthony Hopkins in the Mask of Zorro during the scene when he is traning Antonio Banderas. He is sitting, sipping a drink with a cigar in his hand and Antonio jumps the ropes. Anthony Hopkins looks at him and says: "perfect! Do it again!".

Now that I think of, I may just watch that tonight! If there is another out there, please add!
08/02/2010