The New Intimacy

Is it unusual to realize you're a submissive as you approach middle age?

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Contributor: Armsjlove Armsjlove
As much as I hate labels, this is how I've begun to categorize myself. I've always found being restrained very appealing and I've always leaned to enjoying a'rougher' type of sex more than sensual. (Though sensual lovemaking has its appeal, too.) I never really thought about it much, but I still denied that part of myself.

Recently -this year, in fact- I came to the lightbulb moment realization that I am, indeed, a submissive. Thanks to the forums here at Eden Fantasys, a whole new world has opened up to me and my husband. A world where I feel more complete and I thank the contributors so much.

A few months ago, I knew what 'BDSM' meant, but had no idea what Ds meant or that there was such a thing as a 24/7 lifestyle. The knowledge I've acquired is too lengthy and varied to post here.

Thank you so much again for sharing your stories. My journey is just beginning. ~ Arms
09/09/2010
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Contributor: Jesyra Jesyra
Quote:
Originally posted by Armsjlove
As much as I hate labels, this is how I've begun to categorize myself. I've always found being restrained very appealing and I've always leaned to enjoying a'rougher' type of sex more than sensual. (Though sensual lovemaking has ... more
Its a wonderful thing to understand your own sexual desires, regardless of what label or phrase applies to them. Hopefully, your journey will be enjoyable and open up an entire new level of comfort and experience for you.

As far as your question, "Is it unusual to realize you're a submissive as you approach middle age?" - My husband was 33 before he understood what he really wanted and could accept it, so I don't think its all that unusual.
09/09/2010
Contributor: gone77 gone77
Quote:
Originally posted by Armsjlove
As much as I hate labels, this is how I've begun to categorize myself. I've always found being restrained very appealing and I've always leaned to enjoying a'rougher' type of sex more than sensual. (Though sensual lovemaking has ... more
It's probably more common than you think. So much of our sexual expression, wants and desires are oppressed by outside influences, especially in our younger years. Well, now that I think about it, there may not be as much oppression with the current and future generations.

I think it's awesome that you're learning so much about yourself and desires, and I'm glad the forums helped you along. That's what they--and we--are here for.
09/09/2010
Contributor: Armsjlove Armsjlove
Quote:
Originally posted by gone77
It's probably more common than you think. So much of our sexual expression, wants and desires are oppressed by outside influences, especially in our younger years. Well, now that I think about it, there may not be as much oppression with the ... more
Kristi and Kayletta Jade, thank you for your replies.

Kristi, I think you're correct about being oppressed by outside influences. It is certainly true within my family. We barely acknowledged the existence of sex or sexuality while I was being brought up, and beyond that any kind of variation from the missionary position for procreation was something that "other" people did.

It's exciting and liberating to be letting go of that part of me. It took me long enough to be able to recognize it for what it is. The more I research (yeah, I'm on a learning spree!) the more I'm remembering having these tendencies and fantasies from a very young age. My one regret is not noticing it and acting on it sooner. ~ Arms
09/10/2010
Contributor: DeliciousSurprise DeliciousSurprise
Well... Is it unusual to realize you're queer later in life?

Is it unusual to realize that suddenly you really quite enjoy spinach, and you thought for years you hated it?

Is it unusual to find that you don't actually like chives as much as you thought you did?

For some, they learn early.
For others, they learn late.
For others still, they evolve into what they become.

It is a journey, and not everyone takes the same path to get to the destination.
09/10/2010
Contributor: Trashley Trashley
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Well... Is it unusual to realize you're queer later in life?

Is it unusual to realize that suddenly you really quite enjoy spinach, and you thought for years you hated it?

Is it unusual to find that you don't actually like ... more
I couldn't put it into better words myself. This is just so beautifully put.
Everyone's tumblin' around trying to figure out who we are, who we were, who we're going to be, who we WANT to be. Only once in a while do you get to settle down and just BE. Don't think it's unusual at any age! You're never too old or too young to learn something about yourself.
09/12/2010
Contributor: Armsjlove Armsjlove
I'm happy, almost ecstatic, with this new revelation.

I just hadn't found much about 'late bloomers' like me on this forum or elsewhere. Most of the posts I've been reading have been from people who knew really early on - sometime between puberty and college.

Hehe, now that I think about it, I've been a late bloomer on most things. I'm okay with it. I just have some catching up to do. I'm glad hubby's along for the ride. ~ Arms
09/13/2010
Contributor: UrNaughtyaAngel UrNaughtyaAngel
With me it was Naughty twitter that open me up to be more sexually adventurous and open minded to things like anal sex. I would just go ouch or no way but after reading what tweeps have to say either on twitter or on their blogs I am like hhmm. Same goes for BDSM.
09/14/2010
Contributor: gone77 gone77
Quote:
Originally posted by Armsjlove
I'm happy, almost ecstatic, with this new revelation.

I just hadn't found much about 'late bloomers' like me on this forum or elsewhere. Most of the posts I've been reading have been from people who knew really early on - ... more
What better outcome could one ask for? I'm truly happy for you, Arms.
09/14/2010
Contributor: El-Jaro El-Jaro
Quote:
Originally posted by DeliciousSurprise
Well... Is it unusual to realize you're queer later in life?

Is it unusual to realize that suddenly you really quite enjoy spinach, and you thought for years you hated it?

Is it unusual to find that you don't actually like ... more
I totally agree with this!

It's never too late to learn more about yourself!
09/14/2010
Contributor: Armsjlove Armsjlove
Thanks for welcoming me in, everyone. I'm learning every day.

When you know better, you do better. ~ Arms
09/16/2010
Contributor: Airen Wolf Airen Wolf
(EF Review Program Mentor)
Quote:
Originally posted by Armsjlove
As much as I hate labels, this is how I've begun to categorize myself. I've always found being restrained very appealing and I've always leaned to enjoying a'rougher' type of sex more than sensual. (Though sensual lovemaking has ... more
If it is unusual then I am also unusual in the other way though...I have come to realize I am anything BUT submissive as I hit my middle years. I think it has to do with maturing and being comfortable with yourself. ENJOY it! YOu know who you are and what you want...all that angst is, hopefully, behind you.
09/16/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Armsjlove
As much as I hate labels, this is how I've begun to categorize myself. I've always found being restrained very appealing and I've always leaned to enjoying a'rougher' type of sex more than sensual. (Though sensual lovemaking has ... more
This is interesting, because as I have matured I have realized our sexual Dynamic is really something that I would have found "offensive" when I was younger and much more idealistic.

I have tried to write an article on this, my Fall (or departure) from 2nd wave Feminism, and embracing my need to be Submissive in bed, not wanting a "50/50 Marriage" when it comes to MONEY and PRESTIGE and "who does what around the house" along with a lot of other things. I am still letting these things percolate down into my mind and am having a really hard time verbalizing it.

But, yes, I have freed myself from being "offended" and clinging to certain expectations that some other women want me to adhere to, for no other reason than to make their choices (which are usually very different than mine) either easier or more accepted. I think there is room in this world Both Choices, (and even more Choices than those) without trying to fit people into lives that simply don't suit them.

Mostly, it's my hard work to become a less "Offended" and angry person, and let my Needs with, from and for My Man nourish my Soul as well as my Body.

It's too hard to put into words and really too emotionally close to the surface. I need to think about this some more. Or maybe just let my mind play with it for a few more years.....
09/17/2010
Contributor: P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Armsjlove
I'm happy, almost ecstatic, with this new revelation.

I just hadn't found much about 'late bloomers' like me on this forum or elsewhere. Most of the posts I've been reading have been from people who knew really early on - ... more
Arms, I knew I was "kinky" as a kid. However, I did little about it until fairly recently. My play, as a child, reflected it, but like you said, as you Mature, you tend to want what Feeds you. And you learn to find the Power and Strength to actually act on it. Some younger, some older. My ideas of being (OMG, I hate the word) "Politically Correct" actually prevented me from doing anything much about my sexual proclivities until I was a bit older. I remember telling My Man "tease me" during sex, but until recently (a few years) it was all I did to get what I needed. It's different now, but I want to go further, and am STILL a little scared that I might freak him out. I don't think I will, but he's waiting for me to make the next move.....

For those of us who have discovered new horizons in our sexuality, it is a little scary, but VERY exciting.

Good for you for finding your Muse.
09/17/2010
Contributor: Armsjlove Armsjlove
P'Gell, I don't even know where to begin. Your posts, (far more eloquent than mine by a long shot), parallel a lot of how I've been feeling.

During 'daylight hours', so to speak, I'm a sassy, opinionated, very traditional homemaker, mother, wife, sister, friend. I'm not, nor have I ever been, a breadwinner. I've always been the caretaker, and it's a role I'm comfortable with. I've gotten a lot of grief on account of it, from well meaning folks who want to 'save' me from something I never wanted saving from. A life like this is something I knew I wanted because it was something I knew I craved and I was deprived of as a kid. Who I am is who my husband fell in love with so many years ago and it works for us. Like so many things, it's no one elses business.

When I first brought up my new revelation a few months ago, my husband wasn't entirely surprised because of random conversations we've had over the years. I think between the two of us, I was the one who was caught off guard. Then, slowly, as I really started to ponder it, things started adding up. Like you, my play as a child reflected my kinky side. (I owe many apologies to a couple of Barbies). I started remembering dreams and -inclinations? And then- Oh. My. Gosh. I've Always been this way. Wow. (Hehe, I guess I didn't know I was capable. )

It's an interesting combination, this new life. Like a lot of things about me, the people around me probably wouldn't understand it if they knew. But that's okay, they most likely never will.

Best to you, P'Gell. ~ Arms
09/17/2010
Contributor: PassionQT PassionQT
I think middle age is an age of enlightenment and discovery for many. I became a completely different sexual person once I hit my mid 30 to late 30's.
09/17/2010
Contributor: abntroll58 abntroll58
Quote:
Originally posted by PassionQT
I think middle age is an age of enlightenment and discovery for many. I became a completely different sexual person once I hit my mid 30 to late 30's.
I think I found my sub side when I was over 30
01/01/2011
Contributor: SexyTabby SexyTabby
Quote:
Originally posted by PassionQT
I think middle age is an age of enlightenment and discovery for many. I became a completely different sexual person once I hit my mid 30 to late 30's.
Agrees with this wholeheartedly.
01/01/2011