The New Intimacy

Substitutes for safe words when you can't speak

Skip to last post
Set alerts
Updates
Forum search
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
This may seem like a silly and very basic question, and maybe it is. It is, however, one I hadn't considered before, and one I need answered before I go any further with BDSM with my husband.

I'm a switch, and my husband has not told me which role he feels most comfy in, if he even identifies as a BDSM person. So, either of us could be dominant at any given time. If one of us has both cuffs and a gag on, how do we get the other to understand when "Stop," means "Stop!" You can't use a safe word in that situation.

What do those of you who are more experienced in BDSM do in this scenario?

Thanks for your help!
12/15/2012
  • Treat Her! Gift Set For Women For $69.99 Only
  • Complete lovers gift set
  • Upgrade Your Hands-Free Play!
  • Long-distance pleasure set for couples
  • Save Extra 20% On Love Cushion And Toy Set!
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Contributor: FrustratedFemme FrustratedFemme
Maybe you cold hold something, like a bright colored scarf, in your hands and drop it if you need to stop. I've only experimented with both cuffs and a gag a few times, but that's what we do. It's true that you can have the awkward situation of accidentally dropping it, but it's better to have an awkward situation than to be unable to stop the scene when you need to.
12/15/2012
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
Quote:
Originally posted by FrustratedFemme
Maybe you cold hold something, like a bright colored scarf, in your hands and drop it if you need to stop. I've only experimented with both cuffs and a gag a few times, but that's what we do. It's true that you can have the awkward ... more
Absolutely. Safety first, always safety. I know my husband and I will laugh and joke about it if I accidentally drop the scarf, but I also trust him implicitly to stop when I mean it. I would trust that man with my life, and I wouldn't engage in BDSM with anyone I didn't have that level of trust with.

Thanks for answering my question with something I can easily use. I have never gone quite this far either, but I feel a lot better about it knowing I have a safe out--or my husband does, depending on the night.
12/15/2012
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
I think we'll try snapping, or maybe the scarf system.
12/16/2012
Contributor: Beck Beck
We go with snapping as long as my fingers are still workable. Tapping on the bed works too.
12/16/2012
Contributor: Robespierrethecat Robespierrethecat
Quote:
Originally posted by FrustratedFemme
Maybe you cold hold something, like a bright colored scarf, in your hands and drop it if you need to stop. I've only experimented with both cuffs and a gag a few times, but that's what we do. It's true that you can have the awkward ... more
OOh! I've heard of people using keys or something too, because they're loud when they drop.
12/16/2012
Contributor: phoenixfire phoenixfire
When I was wearing a ball gag recently, I would keep my hand down if everything was fine. If my husband was getting to the edge of my pain threshold but could keep going safely (or if an area he was flogging was starting to get too sore) I would hold up one finger. If I held up my entire hand like a crossing guard (or the Supremes, lol) that meant Absolute Stop. It worked well. Just posting in case it is useful to someone.
12/24/2012
Contributor: Raymaker Raymaker
Snapping your fingers requires a little bit of coordination that isn't always readily acessable. Maybe because I took karate in my youth, but it seems natural to me to DOUBLETAP with the flat of your palm/fingers. In the dojo/most grappling/fighting scenarios it's a pretty well known sign for "I YIELD/STOP." After which everybody disengages and lets go immediately.

Just make sure the signalling partner's hand is near a surface that makes an easily heard sound when tapped throughout play. Or just use your/partner's body.
12/24/2012
Contributor: Miss L Miss L
Quote:
Originally posted by phoenixfire
This may seem like a silly and very basic question, and maybe it is. It is, however, one I hadn't considered before, and one I need answered before I go any further with BDSM with my husband.

I'm a switch, and my husband has not told ... more
Have them hold a small ball or handkerchief and drop it if there's a prob.
12/26/2012