The New Intimacy

Eden Kink - Misconceptions in BDSM June 15, 2011 8 PM EST

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Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
No self esteem, no self confidence, no self pride

I'm sorry, but I have to have high self esteem, confidence, and pride in myself to submit to my Master and to even allow him to do the things he does to me. If I'm not secure in ... more
Beautifully said. I agree wholeheartedly.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
Quote:
Originally posted by sexyintexas
I think that you should be open with your children to some degree about sex. (I don't mean having sex in front of them lol) If they know that we are people just like they are with the same desires it makes them feel better about approaching us ... more
exactly, I don't want my kids to think we are sexless automatons, I am a human being with natural needs
06/15/2011
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Wondermom
shes closer to me! mine first lol
.... Everwhere I go there is like a line up of people waiting to be serviced... sometimes you guys make me feel like a ...



Mechanic.... what with all the fluids and whatnot.
06/15/2011
Contributor: PunkyB PunkyB
Quote:
Originally posted by sexyintexas
I think that you should be open with your children to some degree about sex. (I don't mean having sex in front of them lol) If they know that we are people just like they are with the same desires it makes them feel better about approaching us ... more
I for sure dont want my son fumbling around blindly because I sheltered him. I plan on having the talk and I think its much better than lettign a kid deal with urges on there own. Thats how you have teen pregnancy and spreading diseases.
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by Wondermom
exactly, I don't want my kids to think we are sexless automatons, I am a human being with natural needs
My kids, whenever i have them, will know that Daddy is the head of the house and that mommy takes care of Daddy. We won't get into semantics until they are MUCH older to understand.
06/15/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
No problem. I honestly sometimes feel that a slave/submissive needs to have more self-worth than others, because in order to take what their Dominant will deal, they must be confident enough in themselves to know that it's for their betterment as ... more
I agree with this. I am a very strong and confident person. I run my household alone most of the time. When he is home I am ready to completely let go of the control and let him be the lead. I think that it makes him a better leader for the family too, being able to know that he does control at least some aspect of it completely.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Dominants are FAR from being domestic abusers! Like I said before, any Dominant with any merit will always get your consent before engaging in activities. Any man who doesn't and uses bdsm as an excuse to beat you or harm you is an abuser. A ... more
Exactly. I once had a "dominant" tell me it was okay for him to hit me BECAUSE he's mad at me or mad in general. That it's the way it was. I disagree and ran the other way as fast as I could. There is a huge difference in hitting BECAUSE you're angry and using bdsm or kink as an excuse or playing/hitting when you're angry. It's control and consent that make the difference.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
I like to put all 4 pads on my butt while I masturbate. It's like a hard spanking but you don't need anybody else there to get it!
That actually sounds really awesome.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
There is nothing wrong with intimacy other than one's own partner because some people are compatible on the bdsm level but not on other levels. I may have a partner who I love who is completely vanilla, but I need someone to fill the BDSM part of ... more
I learned about that difference when I watched a documentary about dominatrix's and their clients, they were there only for the BDSM side not sex at all. It really opened my eyes
06/15/2011
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
*blinks and makes mental note* Thanks!
You are very welcome
06/15/2011
Contributor: [Red] [Red]
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
I learned to separate sex from BDSM because I would play with people I did not want to be sexually involved with. My shutting off the sexual desire I was able to focus on just the BDSM play and not fulfilling some sexual desire after. That's ... more
That makes sense. Would you mind if I asked a few more specific questions? Would you liken your relationship with these non-sexual play partners to a brand of intimacy apart from a sexual and/or romantic relationship, and if so, how? What about playing non-sexually with others is fulfilling to you? I imagine that largely depends on the context and the nature of the play you're taking part in, but I'm curious about the actual mentality more than the mechanics. I see how it works, but it's difficult to understand the desire to be part of such a dynamic, much less relate to it.

I don't mean to offend, by the way, and you're not at all obligated to answer my questions. They're open to anyone to answer, also, if they're so inclined.
06/15/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
I like to put all 4 pads on my butt while I masturbate. It's like a hard spanking but you don't need anybody else there to get it!
Nice! Never thought of that...note to self....
06/15/2011
Contributor: PunkyB PunkyB
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Exactly. I once had a "dominant" tell me it was okay for him to hit me BECAUSE he's mad at me or mad in general. That it's the way it was. I disagree and ran the other way as fast as I could. There is a huge difference in hitting ... more
Thats just a big ass bag. I would probably kick him in the balls
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Another misconception about BDSM is that it's a bunch of freaks in leather, whips, and chains all day every day.

That rumor is totally bogus. I'm into BDSM and I look completely vanilla in real life. You'd never know unless you know me on a deep personal level. Yeah, some people like to wear those things out and about, but really, there are some people who aren't into BDSM who wear those things for fun. Just because a few people who are into BDSM dress like that doesn't mean that EVERYONE does.
06/15/2011
Contributor: KinkyKrissy KinkyKrissy
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
No self esteem, no self confidence, no self pride

I'm sorry, but I have to have high self esteem, confidence, and pride in myself to submit to my Master and to even allow him to do the things he does to me. If I'm not secure in ... more
Agreed. I'm fairly inexperienced (lack of dom and interested partners) but it makes sense. Especially with lending and such. If you don't have confidence and trust in your master, it just wouldn't work at all. Those who aren't secure might see lending or masters playing with another as something that means he doesn't like you or cause jealously that probably wouldn't make the relationship last very long (if that makes sense).
06/15/2011
Contributor: PunkyB PunkyB
Quote:
Originally posted by [Red]
That makes sense. Would you mind if I asked a few more specific questions? Would you liken your relationship with these non-sexual play partners to a brand of intimacy apart from a sexual and/or romantic relationship, and if so, how? What about ... more
Good questions...Im a noob and I still have a million
06/15/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Exactly. I once had a "dominant" tell me it was okay for him to hit me BECAUSE he's mad at me or mad in general. That it's the way it was. I disagree and ran the other way as fast as I could. There is a huge difference in hitting ... more
I would never, ever want to be struck in anger. Same thing goes with when you're raising kids---when we were little, if Dad was actually really mad, he'd leave the room and have Mom punish us instead because she could do it with a clear head. Anger should not be taken out on other people.
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by [Red]
That makes sense. Would you mind if I asked a few more specific questions? Would you liken your relationship with these non-sexual play partners to a brand of intimacy apart from a sexual and/or romantic relationship, and if so, how? What about ... more
Well, I don't play with others on a BDSM or sexual level. Master and I have our sex life and we have our BDSM life. In my past, though, the scenes I shared with others were intimate, but there was nothing sexual about it. Not even kissing. I was able to scratch an itch I had to play and that's all it was. In my current relationship, though, both the sex and the BDSM play plays a part in fulfillment in our relationship, though if we cut one of those things out we'd still be happy. Does that make sense?
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Exactly. I once had a "dominant" tell me it was okay for him to hit me BECAUSE he's mad at me or mad in general. That it's the way it was. I disagree and ran the other way as fast as I could. There is a huge difference in hitting ... more
good for you!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Jul!a Jul!a
Quote:
Originally posted by Emma (Girl With Fire)
.... Everwhere I go there is like a line up of people waiting to be serviced... sometimes you guys make me feel like a ...



Mechanic.... what with all the fluids and whatnot.
LOL
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by Serenesub
Exactly. I once had a "dominant" tell me it was okay for him to hit me BECAUSE he's mad at me or mad in general. That it's the way it was. I disagree and ran the other way as fast as I could. There is a huge difference in hitting ... more
Well, the thing about that is, I sometimes do punish a submissive with physical punishment, but I make sure that they understand the reason for said punishment beforehand. Hitting simply out of anger (which I have done before, I am ashamed to admit) is not good, and sort of crosses over that line of abuse versus sound punishment.

I think that what matters most is that it's within the terms of the relationship, that things such as punishment, be it verbal or physical, are decided upon. That is what makes it consensual, in my opinion, at least.
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
I would never, ever want to be struck in anger. Same thing goes with when you're raising kids---when we were little, if Dad was actually really mad, he'd leave the room and have Mom punish us instead because she could do it with a clear head. ... more
We NEVER play if the other is angry. Striking someone out of anger is an emotional response. BDSM play is a lot more calculated and meant for pleasure, not aggression.
06/15/2011
Contributor: sexyintexas sexyintexas
Quote:
Originally posted by PunkyB
I for sure dont want my son fumbling around blindly because I sheltered him. I plan on having the talk and I think its much better than lettign a kid deal with urges on there own. Thats how you have teen pregnancy and spreading diseases.
Absolutely, I am as honest as I can be about things with my teens. I would much rather go through any questions that they have and offer them protection and support than to have to babysit while they finish highschool. I got pregnant at 15 and had no one to talk to, I don't want that for my children.
06/15/2011
Contributor: PunkyB PunkyB
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Another misconception about BDSM is that it's a bunch of freaks in leather, whips, and chains all day every day.

That rumor is totally bogus. I'm into BDSM and I look completely vanilla in real life. You'd never know unless you ... more
Is that mainly due to the leather community being so active?
06/15/2011
Contributor: Wondermom Wondermom
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Another misconception about BDSM is that it's a bunch of freaks in leather, whips, and chains all day every day.

That rumor is totally bogus. I'm into BDSM and I look completely vanilla in real life. You'd never know unless you ... more
metal fans....punks, hipsters, half of the people who shop at hot topic lol

I had some kinky leather and chain clothing and shoes long before I even explored the idea of sexual kink
06/15/2011
Contributor: Serenesub Serenesub
Quote:
Originally posted by Sir
Well, the thing about that is, I sometimes do punish a submissive with physical punishment, but I make sure that they understand the reason for said punishment beforehand. Hitting simply out of anger (which I have done before, I am ashamed to admit) ... more
I agree. I've been punished physically but it wasn't an out of control, you pissed me off and now you'll pay for it type of situation.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Sir Sir
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
Another misconception about BDSM is that it's a bunch of freaks in leather, whips, and chains all day every day.

That rumor is totally bogus. I'm into BDSM and I look completely vanilla in real life. You'd never know unless you ... more
HAHAHA Most definitely!

No one knows that I'm into bdsm...literally. I got my ears gauged recently and people went ballistic over it, they were so stunned!
06/15/2011
Contributor: Antipova Antipova
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
We NEVER play if the other is angry. Striking someone out of anger is an emotional response. BDSM play is a lot more calculated and meant for pleasure, not aggression.
That's how I prefer it, anyway.
06/15/2011
Contributor: VieuxCarre VieuxCarre
All dominants are sadistic, womanizing assholes.

While my Master might be a sadistic asshole sometimes (who am I kidding? I love it) he is not like that all the time. In fact, the majority of dominants are sadistic only in a scene with another, an asshole when requested, and far from womanizing. The majority of dominants respect women who are submissive, as well as men who are submissive, greatly and take their feelings and such into consideration. There is no level of womanizing involved nor is there any discrimination or looking down upon because of status. Most only involve the status aspect when they are involved in a relationship.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Emma (Girl With Fire) Emma (Girl With Fire)
Quote:
Originally posted by VieuxCarre
My kids, whenever i have them, will know that Daddy is the head of the house and that mommy takes care of Daddy. We won't get into semantics until they are MUCH older to understand.
The only thing you want to make sure you make VERY clear in that situation is that it is not your daughters (if you have one) duty to take care of a man like you do her daddy. Also you want to make sure your son does not grow up with the expectation that women are there to serve him. If they do not end up kinky, those expectations will fuck them hard in relationships.
06/15/2011