Eden Kink - Misconceptions in BDSM June 15, 2011 8 PM EST

It does help, thank you. It also raises a slew of other questions, not the least of which being: is it common for people in the lifestyle to be romantically/sexually spoken for but play with others on a platonic level? Perhaps I simply haven't been exposed to the scene long enough, but I've observed more people who play either with their sexual partners or have agreements with said partners to play sexually/non-platonica lly with others. I could easily be mistaken, but it seems more common for polyamorous relationships to occur amongst play partners rather than keeping the level of intimacy strictly non-sexual/romantic.

It seems the ideal D/s relationship demands a great deal of investment from all parties involved, so the idea of that relation being relegated to a 'casual' play or to something aside from complete devotion is strange to me. That could easily be my ignorance speaking, however, so take this with a grain of salt. I understand there is a difference between those who live a BDSM lifestyle and those who participate in sessions of BDSM play, but I'm not sure how wide the spectrum actually is or where along it my questions actually apply.

Perhaps it's the idea of splitting parts of oneself between people instead of seeking one person who can complement oneself as a whole that my comfort zone-- and admittedly, logic-- has trouble seeing the merit of. Would one treat one's BDSM play partners like friends, or something else? less

I've wanted a dom and to be in a submissive lifestyle relationship for a while, however, it's difficult for me to find people who are interested and with going away for 5/6 months for study abroad, it just won't work. Anyway, what are some qualities or important things that separate doms from fake doms? I know it may be easier to tell in the long run, but is there anything more noticeable that would hint at a real/fake dom sooner? less

I've been reading this with interest.

I find that the biggest problem of it all; is that it is like sex. To me sex is fun, natural and so very much enjoyable. Yet all the words used to describe it as negative.

BDSM and kink play has a social stigma of being what you have all described it as. Abusers, robots, need to be hurt, ocd, it just relates to sex and so so many more. I wish something like HBO or SHowCase would com eout with a program explaining it all so perhaps these social stigma's would just go away.

When I began to explore BDSM and kink (I realised it just was not for me though) but it was explained to me that the sub is really the dominant one as they are the ones that make the rules and have the ability to say, "stop".

I am the first to admit that I do not know much about this topic, but find it interesting to read about. less

I've been reading this with interest.

I find that the biggest problem of it all; is that it is like sex. To me sex is fun, natural and so very much enjoyable. Yet all the words used to describe it as negative.

BDSM and kink play has a social stigma of being what you have all described it as. Abusers, robots, need to be hurt, ocd, it just relates to sex and so so many more. I wish something like HBO or SHowCase would com eout with a program explaining it all so perhaps these social stigma's would just go away.

When I began to explore BDSM and kink (I realised it just was not for me though) but it was explained to me that the sub is really the dominant one as they are the ones that make the rules and have the ability to say, "stop".

I am the first to admit that I do not know much about this topic, but find it interesting to read about. less

EVERYONE is kinky.

False. Not everyone is kinky. Some people are not into kink whatsoever and it doesn't interest them. There isn't a switch you can flip to make someone suddenly become interested in kink. It's kind of like being homosexual. You're born that way. You can't just "decide" one day that that's how you are and what you're into. It may take you years to realize you're into it, but some people aren't born that way. Some people aren't born kinky and they will never discover that they like it in their life. A lot of people don't take that into consideration and say "I brought my husband over to the dark side, but he doesn't like it." Well, he's not into it. What you're into isn't necessarily what he's into and he can't just up and decide that he likes kink if he really doesn't deep down inside. There is nothing you can do to change it, either.

I will say, though, that there are a lot of closet kinksters who don't go out and explore on their own who need a bit of guidance to explore and learn. Again, not everyone is like that, though. less

I've wanted a dom and to be in a submissive lifestyle relationship for a while, however, it's difficult for me to find people who are interested and with going away for 5/6 months for study abroad, it just won't work. Anyway, what are some qualities or important things that separate doms from fake doms? I know it may be easier to tell in the long run, but is there anything more noticeable that would hint at a real/fake dom sooner? less

I actually cannot be a proper Dominant to someone unless I have an emotional attachment too them. In order for me to desire and actually want their submission, I need that piece. I can Dom someone for play, like in a dungeon setting, quite easily, but to actually have someone be my slave 24/7, I need more than just play compatibility. less

I've been reading this with interest.

I find that the biggest problem of it all; is that it is like sex. To me sex is fun, natural and so very much enjoyable. Yet all the words used to describe it as negative.

BDSM and kink play has a social stigma of being what you have all described it as. Abusers, robots, need to be hurt, ocd, it just relates to sex and so so many more. I wish something like HBO or SHowCase would com eout with a program explaining it all so perhaps these social stigma's would just go away.

When I began to explore BDSM and kink (I realised it just was not for me though) but it was explained to me that the sub is really the dominant one as they are the ones that make the rules and have the ability to say, "stop".

I am the first to admit that I do not know much about this topic, but find it interesting to read about. less

Rhianna's song S&M is a true representation of BDSM.

I wanted to gouge my eyes out and punch a kitten when I heard this. Rhianna's mainstreaming of BDSM doesn't make it a true representation. There aren't people always tying you up, putting you in latex, and reporting on you with ball gags in. It's just...not. Gah! less

Rhianna's song S&M is a true representation of BDSM.

I wanted to gouge my eyes out and punch a kitten when I heard this. Rhianna's mainstreaming of BDSM doesn't make it a true representation. There aren't people always tying you up, putting you in latex, and reporting on you with ball gags in. It's just...not. Gah! less

Rhianna's song S&M is a true representation of BDSM.

I wanted to gouge my eyes out and punch a kitten when I heard this. Rhianna's mainstreaming of BDSM doesn't make it a true representation. There aren't people always tying you up, putting you in latex, and reporting on you with ball gags in. It's just...not. Gah! less

I wouldn't say that it is common, but it can happen, yes. And there are also individuals who are, as you said, polyamorous. But I would not say that it's common, simply because I do not see it that way. I am not the sort of person to generalize such things. You will see it, sure, but it's not an every day, or every relationship, occurrence.

Nothing is ideal, also. Maybe it's ideal to you, but not to everyone. Some people enjoy having others to share it with. It's not casual, honestly - sharing that with someone is very, very serious. Just because it may happen occasionally versus every day does not make it a "casual" thing.

The spectrum is quite wide. Some people do it for bedroom play. Some people do it as a lifestyle (like me, I need a 24/7 slave at my side). Some people do it when they go to play parties or dungeons. It really depends on the person's wants, needs, and desires.

Most would treat the bdsm play partners as friends, yes, but I cannot speak for others. I have a play partner who is my friend, and we only play as a way for us to get out our needs in some sense. We are friends aside from that. For us, it's not intimate. However, what I was mentioning earlier, it usually is an intimate, and serious, exchange. Some people treat play partners as what it sounds like - partners during the time of play. Others may be friends and may just be having fun with one another! It really is the sort of thing that just depends on the person.

Wow, I wrote a lot! I apologize for that! less

Rhianna's song S&M is a true representation of BDSM.

I wanted to gouge my eyes out and punch a kitten when I heard this. Rhianna's mainstreaming of BDSM doesn't make it a true representation. There aren't people always tying you up, putting you in latex, and reporting on you with ball gags in. It's just...not. Gah! less

It bothers me when only certain aspects of something like BDSM go mainstream and then so many people automatically begin to make more assumptions or that their assumptions are confirmed. Just because a celebrity or star said it doesn't mean it's true or that's how it is. It's saddening how many people do think like this though. less

Would you mind if I ask what the difference is between your desire to dominate someone for play and your desire to actually have another's submission? To clarify, why would you dominate someone you have no emotional attachment to-- say, in a play setting? It seems like in order to be satisfied with the domination, you'd need that piece, as you say. What drives you when it's missing?

Sorry if I misunderstood anything, feel free to elaborate. less

Yes, because there is only ONE TWUE WAY! BDSM is open to interpretation and what each individual makes of it. My BDSM isn't the same as your BDSM, though we believe in the same concepts and ideals. I'm not into the kinks that you're into and there isn't only one way to do things. Thank you for mentioning this one. I had forgotten about it less