The New Intimacy

Partner doesn't get it...

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Contributor: jc123 jc123
My husband is kind of introverted and not terribly experienced (he had two partners before me, and was both of their first time). I am pretty kinky by nature, while he is more naive. He is the opposite of creative in bed, and when I show him toys he sometimes can't figure out what they're even supposed to do.
He has been game for anything I've ever suggested, regardless how extreme. I am just tired of having to explain everything to him--I bought some of the Durex frozen lube and spent so much time explaining what it was for that it actually melted before we could use it! By the time I show him what I'm thinking/wanting, I usually am at the point where I don't want it anymore.

Has anybody experienced this? He's great in bed and is a great partner in every other way, but we're just not at all on the same wavelength here. Having to explain every detail of why I have every fantasy/desire that I have is starting to be a turnoff, and I'm often finding myself deciding that my wants aren't worth it.
06/15/2011
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Contributor: indiglo indiglo
I can imagine that could get frustrating. Do you talk to him about just in the moment? Or do you sit down and talk about things and explain them well beforehand? I'm thinking maybe if you can take the time to really sit down and talk about things before you even get into the bedroom it would be less frustrating. In the heat of the moment you just want to get down to the action, so it isn't the best time to try to explain something complicated, but maybe you could schedule time everyday, or a couple of times a week to discuss some sexual ideas? That way neither of you is under any pressure, and maybe it will alleviate your frustration because by the time you get to doing the activity/fantasy he'll already know what it's all about. I think if you can find a way to get him on the same page as you before you begin the activity, it sounds like you'll get less frustrated. Because it does sound like he's pretty much game for anything (which is really special in a partner, and not all that common) he just doesn't know a ton on his own.

Maybe you could even browse Eden together and talk about what different toys are for - even toys you're not interested in - just to give him an idea of things that are out there? That way it opens his mind up to a variety of ideas, and that might help him catch on quicker in other aspects.
06/15/2011
Contributor: Alan & Michele Alan & Michele
indiglo is giving some awesome advice there, and I can't help but think that taking the time to talk to him *is* worth it. You said that he's been game for everything you've suggested, so it just sounds like he cares enough to try to really learn and understand it all. Be patient and keep taking the time (and be thankful that he's so open!), because he'll get the hang of it and then you'll be explaining less and less. That kind of communication is an important ingredient for a satisfying LTR.

BTW... be sure to let him know that you're all ears if there's ever anything new that he wants to try too
06/16/2011
Contributor: stlouisxxx stlouisxxx
If he is game for ideas but naive have you attempted to let him research a product on the internet that you have or are thinking of getting rather than hitting him with it when it is play time?
This is the 1st I have heard about the Durex frozen lube myself, but I get the point of playing a bit longer with the lube, rather than squirting it out of the bottle & jamming it in.
06/18/2011
Contributor: Petite Valentine Petite Valentine
Quote:
Originally posted by jc123
My husband is kind of introverted and not terribly experienced (he had two partners before me, and was both of their first time). I am pretty kinky by nature, while he is more naive. He is the opposite of creative in bed, and when I show him toys ... more
I agree with indiglo. Don't wait until you're heading for the bedroom (the shower, the kitchen, the backyard, or wherever you make love ) to discuss things. Talk about it when sex isn't next on the agenda, so by the time playtime rolls around, you're both comfortable and ready to try something new.

Also, don't be discouraged. My husband had the 'what am I supposed to do with that?' attitude towards toys in general, but literally three EF orders later, and the creative spark has been lit. I just do inventory with him when the box arrives, so he knows in advance what options are available (or desired) the next time we have sex.
06/18/2011
Contributor: jc123 jc123
We've talked about it outside the bedroom a lot, actually. One night we spent about a five hour car trip talking about likes, dislikes, and what I'd like from him. Things got a little better, but NOTHING is intuitive for him.

I guess it could be worse-- at least he cooperates and understands that I want things that are different from what he wants.

I think my next strategy will be finding some porn that features stuff I want him to do. Maybe if the actors spell it out for him, I won't have to.
06/21/2011
Contributor: UnknownGirl UnknownGirl
Unfortunately some people just aren't sexually compatible.
06/21/2011
Contributor: zeebot zeebot
Quote:
Originally posted by jc123
We've talked about it outside the bedroom a lot, actually. One night we spent about a five hour car trip talking about likes, dislikes, and what I'd like from him. Things got a little better, but NOTHING is intuitive for him.

I ... more
Using porn seems like a good idea! Maybe you could suggest he does some research (sexy research!) on his own online - he might even come up with some new ideas of his own.

If you don't want to explain specific products to him, maybe send him a link to the product on EF ahead of time, and he could read reviews and figure out what it does. Then when your order arrives, he'll be prepared and maybe have some idea what to do.
06/21/2011
Contributor: jc123 jc123
Quote:
Originally posted by zeebot
Using porn seems like a good idea! Maybe you could suggest he does some research (sexy research!) on his own online - he might even come up with some new ideas of his own.

If you don't want to explain specific products to him, maybe send ... more
That's a good idea, and I also like Petite Valentine's idea of reviewing the items when the box arrives.
06/22/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
talk to him when you guys aren't about to do it; ie when you just get your toy. just show it to him when you get your toy in the mail (or maybe when you guys are home from work, etc), and if he doesn't know, tell him how it works. so when you guys are about to do it, you don't have to explain and just get down to business
06/22/2011
Contributor: Ms. Spice Ms. Spice
Quote:
Originally posted by UnknownGirl
Unfortunately some people just aren't sexually compatible.
it's not too hard to make people sexually compatible. it's amazing what a little communication and patience will do
06/22/2011
Contributor: indiglo indiglo
Quote:
Originally posted by jc123
We've talked about it outside the bedroom a lot, actually. One night we spent about a five hour car trip talking about likes, dislikes, and what I'd like from him. Things got a little better, but NOTHING is intuitive for him.

I ... more
I think that all sounds very positive! And it sounds like you are on the right track here. I suppose if a lot of dialogue made it a little better, a ton more might help even more? I'd say if you really love him and he really loves you - you can keep working on it together. While it's true that not all people are sexually compatible, it doesn't sound like you could even know that yet since he just isn't intuitive with that kind of thing. As long as you are both willing to work together on this, and as long as you both think it's worth working on, I say keep on trying.

You could try watching some porn together, browsing on here together, and I also love the idea of going over each box from EF when it arrives. You could even turn it into a game of sorts! You could get a variety of toys, and play a fun game "guess what this toy is for", or something like that. Maybe if he guesses right, his prize is getting to use it on you.

It sounds like you're on the right track, and that you're both willing to work together. You're right it could be a lot worse! He could just not care and not want to try. It must be really frustrating for you, but maybe he feels frustrated too at feeling clueless about what you want and like. If you feel like you've already made some progress, I'd say keep doing what you're doing. A good relationship (sexually and otherwise) takes a lot of work, but looks effortless to those outside it! You're both doing great, keep up the good work!
06/22/2011
Contributor: Bignuf Bignuf
Quote:
Originally posted by jc123
My husband is kind of introverted and not terribly experienced (he had two partners before me, and was both of their first time). I am pretty kinky by nature, while he is more naive. He is the opposite of creative in bed, and when I show him toys ... more
In a word...PORN. I have friends who were EXACTLY the same as you guys...he "shy and inexperienced", her "very worldly". She finally started ordering adult DVD's on "topic" she wanted to "school him" in. They did something drastic too. The agreed that their big, flat screen in their bedroom was for ONLY one purpose...adult videos. EVERY NIGHT, when he comes to bed, they have some video that SHE picked, fired up. They do NOT have sex every night...but that video is ON for as long as he cares to watch. They have even gone to be early...just to watch!!!! She said it turned him WAY around from the way he used to be...so for some, that IS an answer. Good luck to you both.
06/22/2011