Partner inhibition/trauma dilemma

Partner inhibition/trauma dilemma

Cherrylane Cherrylane
So I brought these things up in two recent threads but both already had several pages of replies so I figured I'd have better luck getting input with a new thread.

My guy of a bit over two years is great, but he has some pretty peculiar (in my experience) habits/preferences regarding certain aspects of sex.

To start, in the 2+ years I've been with him, I'm not sure we've really kissed with tongue ONCE. I've spoken with him about it a couple times and he basically just said it wasn't something he's ever really understood the urge to do, that he's just "not that into it." At first I thought it might be because my breath stank or something so I started obsessively brushing and flossing and listerine-ing before every potential kiss interaction. Nothing changed. I've tried to like stealth transition to a tongue kiss in moments off particular passion, where for me, they seem most natural, but he basically never responds. I don't consider it a huge deal, as our kisses can still be sexy and all that. But it IS something I'd like to be able to have every now and then and I'm at a total loss as to what it's about and how to change it.

Second, he has a COMPLETE aversion to having his balls touched at all or having anything done to his ass. Even an innocent hand on his ass-cheek turns him off/makes him uncomfortable. It's come up several times, usually after I playfully slap him on the ass (it's hard not to, he's got a cute rump!), and he'll glare and say "no." He basically explains it as the sort of thing that if I ever did actually DO anything ie cross that line for him, the relationship would be over for him. That's really fine with me, as I'm not particularly interested in pegging and don't exactly miss playing with a guy's balls. If he doesn't want those things to be part of his sex life, fine.

However, I wonder about it because he was the victim of sexual abuse as a child. We've discussed that as well, though not in direct relation to the touching or the kissing. He generally seems mostly well adjusted, and I too was a victim of rape, though during my teen years, so I understand at least some of what he's had to reconcile. I can't decide whether I think these things are related, or if it even matters. If some of his physical guardedness is the result of childhood trauma, part of me thinks it's something we should try and work through so that things like me accidentally reaching too far down and touching his balls instead of his cock don't completely "ruin it" for him. On the other hand, as I said before, I think it's reasonable to have things you just don't want to be part of your sex life, and I certainly don't want to push him away. I just hope that decision isn't coming from a place of pain... I also wonder if the kissing thing may be related. He's fairly guarded, generally speaking, and I can't really tell if perhaps that guardedness may be what's keeping him away from kissing with tongue? I know I consider them more personal, intimate, and passionate...

What do you guys think? Am I thinking way to much about it? Do you think these things are related? Do you think it's a problem I should be worried about or not a big deal that I should just let be?

If you think it's something that needs to be addressed, any advice on how to go about starting that conversation?
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
I think the kissing is related only
I think the touching is related only
1
I think both the touching and the kissing are related
9
I don't think any of it is related
1
AND
I don't think it's a problem
1
I think it's a problem
Not sure if it's a problem/other/splain
12
Total votes: 24 (15 voters)
Poll is closed
11/13/2011
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Ryuson Ryuson
Was he penetrated anally when he was hurt as a child? Because that might REALLY be the problem. Did he ever go to counseling about what happened? It sounds like that may be a good idea, not only for sexual reasons.

My boyfriend doesn't like me to touch his balls because he says it makes him feel queasy; does he not like the way it feels or is it the psychological reason behind it?

I feel like initiating something anal related shouldn't be good enough cause to end the relationship!
How long have you two been together?
11/13/2011
Ansley Ansley
Just keep talking with him about it. You will eventually get to the bottom of the situation if you can offer a judgment free space where he can talk about whatever it is about those things that bother him.

Reactions to sexual abuse vary from person to person. There is always a similarity in behavior that can be found between one case and another, but how that person internalizes ideas of "healthy" and "safe" sex are very personal and unique.

I was abused as a child, my reaction was to become hypersexual in my early teen years. Family members of mine who were abused as children shunned sex and all forms of contact that could be considered intimate. Some of them have hard lines of not having hands near their face or neck during intercourse. One hasn't been intimate with anyone in decades. None of them have sought therapy, and probably should.

Therapy is also a very personal and unique experience and it isn't always the best choice for someone. Sometimes a well-timed and well-worded conversation from the person closest to them is what helps to heal the wounds of the past.
11/13/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
hey there. i recently started a thread about the same issue, looks like many of us have experienced this! sadly enough. you can read about it

here.

good luck with your boyfriend. communication, patience, understanding and respect are key in the healing process.
11/13/2011
- Kira - - Kira -
My husband doesn't like me to touch his balls as a personal preference and it took me a long time to get him to tongue kiss me. I think the second half had more to do with a self esteem issue and thinking he wasn't a good kisser. He also is particular about anything near his butt. So I don't think those things, of themselves, are a sign of trauma but might just be a preference.

When combined with a trauma, it does make it questionable. The fact that your guy is so particular about it that he would be willing to end the relationship if you slip up is a bit beyond the "normal" spectrum, or at least what I've run into.

The thing is, by pushing it he may end the relationship anyway. It depends on if he's ready to or wants to deal with any of the issues he may still be holding on to from the abuse. I would advise talking about it, but very gently and dropping it if the talk gets too intense for him or he seems too uncomfortable. You can always bring it back up again at a later point in time. I just wouldn't push too hard about it.

A gentle nudge toward some good therapy or even talking through things with you might not only be helpful sexually, but for his mental health in general. Holding on to things like that is draining. Once you can let them go, as much as they can ever be let go that is, life becomes easier in many aspects.

I would just advise to make sure you don't bring it up constantly where he would feel too "pushed" to talk about things. Give it time and be gentle when you bring it up. Hopefully, in time, he'll open up and his barriers will come down. Then you'll find the answers you're looking for and maybe he can heal. Good luck.
11/13/2011
Kkay Kkay
Some physical preferences are just that- physical preferences.
11/13/2011
eeep eeep
Keep talking with him about it. Explain your feelings about things. Likely they are related to that or some other bad memory. Serious sexual aversions often are (by this I mean even accidentally bumping the area ends all desire for him). For that extreme of a reaction, he has unresolved issues with it. I'd proceed with caution though, and never push him. He may not ever want to resolve the issues, or he may not be ready. Things like this take time and the person has to not only want to deal with them, but also be ready to deal with them.
11/13/2011
Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
So, I don't have much in the way of advice, but I have a couple stories to share:

When I was a senior in high school, one of my mom's boyfriends came over, on the premise of trying to get me to have sex with him, when I was home alone. In order to distract myself from him coming on to me, I was eating string cheese so he couldn't see my hands shaking, trying to act normal, and laugh and be like "haha, yeah right, you're crazy, i'm not doing anything with you" and to this day, I still can't eat string cheese without thinking of that time, where nothing even happened, and it was almost 13 years ago.

When my husband was like, a freshman or something, he was getting his first blow job. He didn't think to warn her when he was going to come, and she gagged, and drug her teeth along the bottom of his penis, and scraped him relaly bad. He still has a scar from it. Despite several attempts from different people later in his life, I have been the only person to be able to relax him enough to come from a blow job.

So, the memories stick around.... and there can be odd reminders. But.... with a lot of patience, and trust building, it can be overcome, I think.
11/13/2011
Peggi Peggi
Honestly, I think that it is possible for both to be related, and it is only a problem if it truly bothers you.

It is also possible for neither to be related!

To be honest, until more recently I never liked kissing with tongue because it was just weird for me. I would, but I didn't particularly like it, because I am turned off by saliva. I even had tried working in the dental field and had to leave because even seeing the inside of someone's mouth (even if it were clean) made me gag. Even my own saliva is an issue. SO, maybe it's just the concept of another mouth that bothers him? Or, could be the trauma.

As for the ass thing, I've dated people who are the same way, and I don't particularly like having my ass slapped either. It's uncomfortable. But, I do like penetration anally, just not the smacking/grabbing, although it won't turn me off. Just irritates.

You should probably talk to him though, if you really want to know. IF, it's something you can talk about without scaring him off (I know sometimes people don't want to talk about it, sometimes they don't mind)
11/13/2011
JDear JDear
An ex once forced me to have sex with him and it still makes some things a little awkward for me. He got me from behind and it was uncomfortable and really upsetting. After that I left him but developed vaginismus. I had it for about a year but after that doggy style still hurt, even when other positions were fine. In my new relationship I am perfectly comfortable to doggy style and lying on my stomach to have sex but it took a while. I thank my wonderful therapist and a gentle and understanding guy for this step in my recovery. And now I actually love having sex lying on my stomach!
11/14/2011
Lavender420 Lavender420
Quote:
Originally posted by Cherrylane
So I brought these things up in two recent threads but both already had several pages of replies so I figured I'd have better luck getting input with a new thread.

My guy of a bit over two years is great, but he has some pretty peculiar ...
I would keep talking about it; try to find the underlying problem.
11/14/2011
Cherrylane Cherrylane
Quote:
Originally posted by Peggi
Honestly, I think that it is possible for both to be related, and it is only a problem if it truly bothers you.

It is also possible for neither to be related!

To be honest, until more recently I never liked kissing with tongue ...
Well, the few times have really more of a light pat than a slap, but all the same lol


And I totally agree. I have random hard-lined turnoffs as well, which is part of why I've had such a time going back and forth wondering how I should be responding to his. I don't at all mean to be assume or come off to him as assuming that he's a "damaged" person whose every preference and habit are all reactions to his trauma. I know first hand how offensive it seems when someone tries to tell you how you feel, particularly in relation to things like that. I had to deal with it with regard to my occasional fondness for rough sex. Some people just automatically assumed it was some weird reliving the rape fantasy bullshit

It's just he struggles with depression a lot too, and I really want to do what I can to help him ease whatever I can. And although I don't and won't ever pretend to know why he thinks certain things, I can at least recognize a potential. I don't plan on EVER trying to convince him that he should be open to having his ass played with, or anything like that. Its all mental/emotional for me. I just want to make sure he has a healthy/positive perspective about all of it. That it isn't causing him undue stress.

Now I just have to figure out how to start the conversation. I REALLY really don't want him to get the wrong idea )= I just want him to feel secure and happy, ya know?
11/14/2011
Total posts: 12
Unique posters: 11