My Apologies

The New Intimacy

My Apologies

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Contributor: wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
My apologies for not being around. It's not a lack of time or anything, it's just that I've fallen in a rut, it seems. A content depression, almost. Since my fiance left me and more or less let me know that he's gay, I've been... just. Hurt and in pain. Sex doesn't seem to interest me as much anymore and I just. I feel stuck.

I've been taking a few online classes for fun. They're free and all I really get is the personal satisfaction that I finished them, no credit or degree. I am trying to keep myself busy as much as I can to keep from totally slipping into darkness. It's worse when I live in this super small town and I run into him at least once or twice a week in town and he pretends like nothing ever happened between us and like we're just old pals reuniting in the grocery store deli.

There was someone else that I met that I really liked but he turned out to be a sexist evangelical Christian man who could do nothing but talk about how women had a place and how homosexuality is the worst sin ever but that God would always forgive you if you would just accept God into your life, etc so forth.

I think about this site and you guys quite often, actually, but for some reason, I've been scared to come and say hi. Once I either drop these "for fun" classes or finish them, I will come back and be better at loving on you guys, for now, I will work on at least stopping by once or twice a week. I love you guys and you guys are like a family here.
07/09/2014
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Contributor: Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Quote:
Originally posted by wrecklesswords
My apologies for not being around. It's not a lack of time or anything, it's just that I've fallen in a rut, it seems. A content depression, almost. Since my fiance left me and more or less let me know that he's gay, I've ... more
Holy shit! I had no idea, but you did mention concerns several months ago, so I am not completely shocked, just upset for you. Oh, honey, I am so sorry to hear about this! Doing the free online classes is a wonderful idea to stay busy and the more you know, the better...well, it sure can't hurt. OK, his behavior is odd and must be like ripping off the band-aid every time you see him. You know, we don't like you just because you stroke us! Come over even if you're grumpy, lively, upset, whatever, someone is usually here to talk to...that is, if you want. There are a few of us who come and go as our lives get worse or better and no one blinks an eye about it other than to check if we're okay. Your absence was noticed, but just because we wondered if you were all right. I wish you had just been busy with work or school, but take your time and know you can pop over here for distraction or talk anytime. You don't have to do anything special to be appreciated here, we already love you!
07/09/2014
Contributor: wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Wicked Wahine
Holy shit! I had no idea, but you did mention concerns several months ago, so I am not completely shocked, just upset for you. Oh, honey, I am so sorry to hear about this! Doing the free online classes is a wonderful idea to stay busy and the more ... more
Sometimes I really wish I could just work six days a week instead of five. Just to keep more busy. Plus, extra money wouldn't hurt either.

As for him, it's been, gosh, four months now since we broke up, but it still hurts. I'm bisexual myself and I feel so guilty for having this... sudden... distaste for gay men. It's completely unfair of me and I understand that very well, but it'll take a long time for that to stop being a sore spot.

His aunt is my boss at work and she tries not to talk about him too much unless she's concerned about him.

I'm definitely going to make an effort to be on here more often. I have so many things to share with everyone and this is such a supportive community anyway, so that always helps!

By the way, he still has not told me to my face that he is gay, but he's on Grindr daily and changed his MeetMe profile to say gay. At least that's the way it was a few months ago, the last time I checked before getting rid of both of those things. We were once so open with each other and speaking about sharing and all this other sexual stuff and life stuff, but when it came to him deciding he needs to explore his homosexuality, he couldn't be honest with me and that's what hurts the most is that he blamed me for everything because he couldn't just say those few words to me 'I think I'm gay'
07/09/2014
Contributor: dv8 dv8
If you want to keep more busy, you could volunteer somewhere or find some weekly social activity (bowling league, adult dodgeball, a ballroom dance class).
07/09/2014
Contributor: OH&W, Lovebears OH&W, Lovebears
wrecklesswords,

Sorry to hear you are depressed. I had the same depression/experience before also. I felt life was sucked right out of me. Didn't feel a purpose in life. Went day to day. People around me tried to cheer me up to no avail. I stayed busy by working and going out by my lonesome every night. This went on for 3 months. Just moping around.

Then one day I met this girl. She is now Oriental wife and we are very very happy together. She was and is an Angel sent to save me.

There are a gazillion people on this earth. Look up, not down, look forward, not backwards. Otherwise you may miss wrecklesswords's future SO.

07/09/2014
Contributor: Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
(Review Program Mentor)
It is always hard to end a relationship. It is like a death but the person doesn't die. You have to go through the grieving process of letting go of what you thought your future would be. You need to focus on the positive that you found out while he was your fiancé not your husband. My mother-in-law was married for over five years when she found out her husband was gay. It really took a hit on her view of herself as a woman. She finally got to the point where she could see that it really was not her. If a man is gay then nothing you can do as a woman that is ever going to be enough. They ended up being very good friends. Of course it took a while. He was always there for her and her kids (she had 4 from her first marriage). When she was dying, he went to the hospital and visited her every day. He was a good man who tried to "fit in" to what people of the small town and his family expected - get married to a woman and settle down. He did not intend on deceiving her or hurting her.

Sometimes writing the person who hurt you a letter and telling them how you feel is good. You do not need to send it, but just putting the feelings down on paper can release them.

Take time for you. Do things that bring you up and make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with people who will bring you up. Work on forgiving him for not being honest with you from the beginning and forgive yourself because it was not your fault and there was nothing you could have done.
07/09/2014
Contributor: wrecklesswords wrecklesswords
Quote:
Originally posted by Pete's Princess
It is always hard to end a relationship. It is like a death but the person doesn't die. You have to go through the grieving process of letting go of what you thought your future would be. You need to focus on the positive that you found out ... more
Well, I've forgiven him a long time ago, it's just this sense of... I have no other friends here in this town that I can physically surround myself with. I'm not from this town, most of my friends are in Texas or Florida, so it's difficult. I know he didn't intend to hurt me, because I know he truly loved me, that was apparent in his eyes. That was something that couldn't be denied when people who had known him since he was a little boy told him how happy he looked since I'd come into his life.

He had a hiccup in his life and I was the unfortunate one to have to bear his cross for him. It's been four months, and we speak every now and then about small things that have nothing to do with our past or connection together, even if it was so recent.

Actually, breaking up with him hurt me worse than breaking up with my girlfriend of over two years. Because he and I had built way more in a shorter amount of time than my girlfriend and I ever had.

Staying here in this town is going to help me finally be okay with being with just myself and it will teach me the discipline I need in finally learning what I need to buy and what I don't need to buy. My ex fiance is younger than me by three years and that was about the age that I was figuring out that I liked girls, and at the time, I thought that I might only like girls. Haha, then two years later I met him and was like "Oh, nevermind, I do still like boys, too."

I can't blame him for that, but I can blame him for his lack of communication. But, I have forgiven him, but the hurt is still there in the background sometimes.

Stuff like that always seems to totally kill my sex drive, too. I might jill off every now and then, but it's once a month at best. It's been seven months since I even got any hahaha And I'd rather not mess around with anyone in town because everyone knows everyone here, awkward.
07/09/2014