Being married and not in love

Being married and not in love

SecretToyMan SecretToyMan
My best friend isn't in love with his wife anymore, so he claims. My wife and I have been begging them to see marriage counselors or go on a trip together to give it one last shot. But he says no. Yet, he wants to stay married for the kids. I feel this is wrong to his wife because she deserves someone who loves her. And the kids see nothing but fighting. What do you think?
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Peggi Peggi
I think that regardless of anyone's opinions, for the most part, people will do what they want to do in the end. I agree, the kids shouldn't have to hear/see fighting going on, so if they're going to do this they have to do it on NEW terms since the game has changed, so to speak. So, either split up or make adjustments.

I have 2 friends who have been married for 6 years and they claim to love each other but it seems every other week they are in a fight where she's leaving him or he's leaving her etc, etc, and it's pure drama
Zombirella Zombirella
My parents did this for many years, how many, I do not know. I can vaguely remember being very little and my mom talking to me and I cried, but hell most kids will. They ended up staying together longer than they wanted for me so I would have both parents there but all they did was fight. By the time I was 11& they finally divorced, I was SO HAPPY! By then, I was sick of hearing them fight. I took it well and it didn't have a negative impact on my life. I think I still would have been okay if they did it earlier though. You have to communicate with your children, that is key to divorce. I also don't think it is fair for the spouse if they dont know and are led on. This needs to be talked about and a decision made by both people. If they both want that, then so be it, it is their family. However, I dont think it's the best decision but each family if different. I also don't hold anything against either of my parents. My dad stayed in my life growing up and I saw him regularly and still do, I lived with my mom.
Loriandhubby Loriandhubby
i think people should do everything in there ability to make a marriage work. i have learned over the years that making a marriage work is trying to figure out how to live with each other and not kill each other. hehehe. marriges , i'm my opion, can be worked out no matter what if both parties want it to work. in my marriage i came to the decision that no matter what we can work through it.
unfulfilled unfulfilled
I'm celebrating my 9th anniversary today, and all marriages will have good times and bad, but I feel it takes work of both parties. They need to go on vacation or find something that sparks his interest in her again. Why doesn't he love her? Is there someone else? It's really sad to be with someone and not love them.
Chilipepper Chilipepper
He obviously doesn't want to work on it anymore, so he should man up and start the divorce proceedings so the family can finally settle down - the children won't have to go through anymore trauma from the parents fighting (and parental resentment because they're STAYING FOR THE CHILDREN) and the wife can go on and find a better class of lifemate material.

(<-- Married a man who didn't want to work on the marriage. Child of divorced parents, too. Never underestimate the peace that a divorce can bring.)
HB042 HB042
Chilipepper is right. Divorce brings peace. It's funny, I was talking with my husband last night about our families, and I said that I can't remember a time when I didn't want my parents apart. They divorced when I was five. My mom likes to tell this story about when I was two. She took me to church to light candles so that "Jesus would bring Daddy back to us." Apparently, I told her that Jesus didn't want Daddy back with us, and that's when she filed for divorce.

I loved both my parents very much, but knew so well that they did not belong together. It was a great relief for me when they split.
indiglo indiglo
The other option (besides divorce) is to get back to those original feelings of love. Feelings do change over time, but we have strong influence over the way we feel. What we tell ourselves, what we believe and what we think all have a very powerful influence over how we feel.

(For example, at a football game, the red team scores. Half the people in the stadium cheer, while half the people boo. Same event happened, so why the different reactions? Both sets of people had different beliefs about the same event - half of them believed it was good and half of them believed it was bad. So our beliefs about the things that happen in our life affect the way we feel about those events.)

I think it's sad (and maybe a little silly) to just stay unhappily in a relationship - especially with kids involved. (I doubt they'd want to teach their kids that miserable marriages are normal or desirable.)

My first gut reaction would be counseling. I wonder why he doesn't want to do that? Marriages (generally speaking) are worth working on. No relationship is easy, and no partner always feels madly in love with their other half. But generally it's worth hanging in there and working on it, because if both people work hard it CAN get happy & healthy again.
P'Gell P'Gell
Hmmm. I don't know these people. Neither of us know what he isn't telling you. No one knows what his wife is thinking.

From what I have seen and read about, it is rare for a man to simply "stop loving" a woman he once loved, unless there is someone else. I'm not saying it's universal, just common. WHY doesn't he want to go to counseling? My guess would be someone else.

My father's best friend was having an affair and told NO ONE. My dad even confronted him directly and the guy denied it, yet said he "just didn't love her (his wife) anymore." A few months later his wife opened a credit card statement and saw legions of hotel bills.... he had been seeing an other woman for a long time. The guy still wouldn't talk about it.

Sad. But, there's nothing the OP can do. "Staying for the children" is very common (my own father did it, and I'm kind of glad he did) but it's difficult, especially if one of the pair is screwing someone else. It usually gets out.
Mwar Mwar
It's been shown that acute psych trauma that goes away is better than lesser chronic psych trauma for children. It's better in the long run if they split sooner. Regardless, the wife should know if her husband doesn't lover he so she can decide what she wants to do.
Beck Beck
P'Gell's onto something. You don't know what he isn't telling you. Everyone has some secrets and there could be something he is hiding.

I do think that staying for the children can work. But it's harder to make work then an actual marriage. They need to do what is best for their relationship. And only they can make that decision. Regardless of whether or not they stay together; they need to work on NOT fighting in front of the children.

Children don't need to hear any of their fighting. That is what you should focus on trying to explain to your friend. Let him worry about what he wants to do about his marriage, but tell him he needs to stop fighting in front of the children. It's not going to make things any easier for them.
js250 js250
There were many times when I did not feel like I loved my husband anymore. No-there was no other person involved, but we had many issues and arguments and I was just over him and the relationship. There was a tie there, however, that kept me in the relationship-I did not know what exactly it was at the time. Sometimes I felt pity and others just a complacent giving in-but I kept staying. I know now that that tie was love, but not the 'in love' feeling. The deep and met your soulmate type of quiet and lasting love. We have worked out many of our issues from that time and are in a very deep, loving relationship. Our relationship has changed from the arguing and hating each other to a quieter but more lasting love for each other. I am glad we have worked out the issues, he would not go to counseling or get help until a few months ago--but we had resolved many of the prior issues and had the drinking and verbal issues left. We are still working on the verbal issues-for both of us-and are happy together. We still argue and fight but not like we used to.

When you do not love someone at all--you leave and grab any excuse to leave. That is what happened in my first marriage. This guy just needs time to figure his life out and any advice will fall on deaf ears until he gets it straight in his head. Hopefully they are going through a phase, but I wish the best for them. I have been through this issue and is is hard to deal with.
Kitten has left the site Kitten has left the site
I agree that the kids shouldn't have to go through that. My own siblings and I went through it with our parents while our mother cheated on our father, and it put each and every one of us into a depression until mom and dad finally sorted it out.
This is a hard issue, it's never easy in this type of situation, so I'm saying good luck and I hope for the best for your friend and his wife.
Eden062112 Eden062112
Originally posted by SecretToyMan
My best friend isn't in love with his wife anymore, so he claims. My wife and I have been begging them to see marriage counselors or go on a trip together to give it one last shot. But he says no. Yet, he wants to stay married for the kids. I ...
I agree with you. He could atleast try to fall back in love with his wife if he doesn't plan on getting divorced. However I do honor him for thinking about his kids.
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