Feeling a horrible guilt...

Feeling a horrible guilt...

bayosgirl bayosgirl
I am coming to terms with the fact that I married my husband of a little over a year for the wrong reasons. And I feel terrible about it. I've never felt this guilty about anything in my life. I was raised to take marriage seriously, and I knew this was wrong from the beginning. If you guys knew the whole story, you would think "how pathetic." It was literally about a week from the time we decided to go ahead with the wedding (we'd been engaged four months) to the actual "wedding", if you can call it that. I had to hide it from my parents since they were adamantly against it. And they were right... as usual.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying a wedding is everything, but to me it symbolizes the love and commitment of marriage. It should be a happy day to remember. My memories of my wedding are anything but happy. I'll never forget crying, alone, on the airplane (I lived in a different state at the time.) Yes, I know the whole thing was my fault. I'm not asking for sympathy. I know I did something wrong, and every decision has consequences.

Why do I say I married him for the wrong reasons? I don't want to go into that, mainly so I don't bore you. I have posted before on some of my thoughts on my marriage, so if anyone is curious you can always look that up.

I think I should see a counselor to help me come to terms with this. Not like the last one, who very subjectively told me that my husband "loves me" and I should stay, but one who actually listens to me without injecting her own opinion into it. At this point, it's not "should I stay or go" it's "how should I go?" I feel terrible. Apparently he's noticed that I haven't said "I love you" in awhile. He said "don't forget to say 'I love you'" on the phone tonight. We started talking about something else and then by the time we hung up I couldn't bring myself to say it. I'm so sick of living a lie. It's scary, though..moving forward. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff leading to a black void. It could be a one foot drop and I end up perfectly safe. Or it could be a 100 ft chasm and I plummet to my death. I know I have issues with abandonment from childhood... It's been a constant fight lately to force myself to think rationally instead of emotionally: I was a child then, I am an adult now. This is an adult relationship; no one is going to replace what I didn't get then. But I might be able to find what I need NOW. And this man isn't it. I don't like how it started, and I don't like where it's going. I am in control. I can re-write my destiny.

Thanks for letting me vent. Guilt is such a horrible emotion to have, and it doesn't help when the only people I can talk to-basically my parents-say things like "I told you so" when what I really want is to be comforted, told everything is going to be OK. My mom in particular has been extremely critical and invalidating my entire life. I'm worried that she is going to make going through the annulment even worse with her mean comments, and of course my dad won't stand up to her. Only when I miscarried my baby and I sat everyone down to confront her about how I didn't appreciate how she treated me, did he finally speak up: "that's your daughter, and you should be nice to her." I know he cares but he is more concerned with keeping the peace most of the time. Oh well.
06/21/2012
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PropertyOfPotter PropertyOfPotter
I don't know the whole story, but you need to make the choices you need to make for YOU, not based on what anyone thinks or expects of you. Just because you did something for the "wrong" reasons, doesn't mean something good can't come from it, but if you're truly not aiming for that, than don't! Don't let anyone tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I'm sorry that you're struggling with this guilt. Guilt is a very difficult thing to deal with. I hope that you're able to figure this all out! Wish I could be of more help to you!
06/21/2012
Beck Beck
I wish you luck! It won't be easy, but you need to do what is best for you. And don't listen to anyone who tells you "I told you so". Because it's not their life. It's yours.
06/21/2012
indiglo indiglo
I think seeing a good counselor sounds like a GREAT idea! You definitely deserve it.

Maybe you can think of it this way - since you believe that marriages and weddings represent love and joining your life with the life of someone you love and respect very deeply, and who loves and respects you very deeply - then your marriage wasn't a "real" marriage according to your own terms.

So instead of seeing it as going back on your word (to marry someone) or being untrue to your own beliefs that marriage is sacred and should last your whole life... maybe you can view it as actually correcting a mistake so that your life WILL line up more with your beliefs. Instead of living in a loveless marriage (which would definitely go against your beliefs) you can correct a mistake you made at one time (marrying the wrong person for the wrong reasons), and then be open to eventually having a new relationship that will line up with your beliefs.

Just a thought.

I wish you the best, but remember - your parents aren't the only ones you can talk to about this. You can talk to your Eden friends & family any time day or night. And this is a pretty supportive group, I've found!

Oh, and you know what? You are going to be just FINE!
06/21/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
I also married a man for the wrong reasons (not exactly yours, as we're all different), but I also took my vows and marriage seriously. I stayed in that marriage for ten years being so damned unhappy and stressed and hating him more and more each year. It got to the point in which I had given everything of myself into that marriage and I was empty - and then ended up on a fucking bridge because I was so tired and wanting to end it permanently so I could rest. I ended up in a crisis center for a week. A month later, I told him that our marriage was over ... "You always tell me that if I want to end our marriage, to outright tell you. I am now - I don't want to be married anymore." No, it wasn't fair that it fell solely to me, but it was either kill myself, kill him, or end the marriage, and the last option was best.

It's not hard once the words leave your mouth. Only the anticipation and building the nerve to say it is hard. After that, you'll grieve, but you'll be relieved that it's finally over.

You are not flaking out. You have given the marriage all you could, and you have realized it was a mistake. You do not have to live with a mistake. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If it is killing your soul and your well-being, you need to get out of it. People are perfectly capable of fucking up that sort of life decision, you are not the only one and you won't be the last to do so. We learn from our mistakes so it won't happen again, that's how we can correct those mistakes.

The guilt is not yours. The guilt is just fear, that's all it is. Don't let the fear win.
06/21/2012
HarlequinBunnie HarlequinBunnie
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I am coming to terms with the fact that I married my husband of a little over a year for the wrong reasons. And I feel terrible about it. I've never felt this guilty about anything in my life. I was raised to take marriage seriously, and I knew ...
I married my first husband for the wrong reasons as well. I loved him but at 19 I wasn't in love with him. My father had died and I already had a daughter with someone else (not be choice at all, though I love her and I'm thankful I have her). My daughters father showed up and told me I would be his wife. I told him no I won't. I told my ex-husband (boyfriend at the time) what was going on and I think he wanted to protect me so he asked me to marry him. I agreed and we set the date. The day we were suppose to get married I got pregnant. We had to postpone because of guests not being able to show so we made it for a month later. A week before we got married I found out I was pregnant. The day we got married I was standing outside the doors of the chapel my mother turned to me and said,"You don't have to do this. I can go get the car right now and we can leave." I said," Mom I'm pregnant." Her reply was so what. That is no reason to get married. I will help you. Don't worry." I responded with," What about the guests, your mother, our family and friends, his family and friends? It will hurt him if I do that." Mom being mom said," They will understand." My final plea was,
" What about all the money that has been spent." She said," It's only money don't worry about it." I finally said," No mom, I'm doing this. Shall we?" With that I turned and walked down the aisle not knowing I was making one of the biggest mistakes of my life up to that point. Our marriage didn't even last a year. I left him 2 months later and divorced him 9 months after that. I have regretted marring him ever since.

However by divorcing him I was able to close a chapter on a very painful part of my life where I was able to stop asking," What if" and was later able to marry my current husband. Yes my mother was right I shouldn't have married him but He taught me some very valuable life lessons.

I'm so sorry your mother isn't be more supportive during this time yet you need to look at the pro's and con's of the situation. He will understand in time and his heart will heal. In time you will find happiness with him or someone else. Only you know what is best for you and you know what you can live with. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.
06/21/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I am coming to terms with the fact that I married my husband of a little over a year for the wrong reasons. And I feel terrible about it. I've never felt this guilty about anything in my life. I was raised to take marriage seriously, and I knew ...
Oh, honey. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. I'm sorry your mother is making things worse.

I am willing to bet getting away would let to a huge amount of relief, but you need to try to stay strong.

If you are going for an annulment, (as he married you for the wrong reasons etc) try NOT to let your mother get involved. It's hard to do, I know. I had to pretty much put my own mother in the dark about my inner life a number of years ago. It's still hard.

A good, board certified therapist, who has ONLY your healing as his or her intention is a must at this interval.

Do you have any friends who won't judge you? Someone other than family who you can talk to until you get to therapy? Sometimes this helps, sometimes it makes it worse, especially if they have an agenda, too.

It's OK to start thinking of what is best for you now.

Good luck, honey. I'm rooting for you and you know you can PM me.
06/21/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I also married a man for the wrong reasons (not exactly yours, as we're all different), but I also took my vows and marriage seriously. I stayed in that marriage for ten years being so damned unhappy and stressed and hating him more and more each ...
BGirl, the woman knows what she speaks. PLEASE listen to her.

NO GUILT! Just relief. That's what you are going to feel. It may not be the first day, or the first week or even month, but the relief will come and it will feel so good and you will KNOW it was the right thing to do.

If you have anything to fear from him, (even if you feel a little nagging feeling that you keep pushing away, TRUST it) get away first and get situated, bring as much money as you can muster, (even if it isn't a lot, cash out the credit cards if you need to) and then contact him, on a phone he can't trace, then let him know. Call a lawyer before you call him, or if you can even before you leave.

You can do this. Think of how settled and happy and relaxed you will be a year or less from now. You have more control over your life than your family and he has led you to believe. You are a strong, healthy woman and you can DO this!!!!

It will be OK. You're doing the right thing before even more goes wrong. It WILL turn out OK. Really.
06/21/2012
js250 js250
Forgive me if I skip from subject to subject--I have these thoughts that need to come out...

1. Your dad has to live with your mom, he has figured out the best way for him and her to live together with the least amount of conflict. He is doing what is best for his relationship. Now that you are an adult and are on your own, forgive him for his lack of support....it isn't you-it is their dynamic.

2. Get a counselor-a real one- to help you work through your marriage issues. Talk to your husband as well, even though this relationship was started with doubts and questions he has a lot to lose as well--warn him so he can prepare for the future with no wife in the USA.

3. Be fair to yourself and the other people in your life. But do NOT be a doormat. Be fair to yourself by realizing what will make you happy. Be fair to your mom by telling her about your annulment, if she does the I told you so trip..tell her yes she did, but you have your own life and mistakes or joys to find. I told you so is for those who never lived their life but stand outside others lives. Those people will get left behind if they do not provide support and care--they will also not get any offered to them in return when they need it for themselves.

4. Do what is right for you--it is your life and destiny. Learn from your mistakes and make them a good lesson. You can find good in all the bad times of your life.

Hugs and support--message me anytime you want to vent or need a friend, I do care!!!
06/21/2012
HarlequinBunnie HarlequinBunnie
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Forgive me if I skip from subject to subject--I have these thoughts that need to come out...

1. Your dad has to live with your mom, he has figured out the best way for him and her to live together with the least amount of conflict. He is doing ...
Amen, Trust in yourself your stronger than you think.
06/21/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by PropertyOfPotter
I don't know the whole story, but you need to make the choices you need to make for YOU, not based on what anyone thinks or expects of you. Just because you did something for the "wrong" reasons, doesn't mean something good ...
Thank you.
06/22/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Beck
I wish you luck! It won't be easy, but you need to do what is best for you. And don't listen to anyone who tells you "I told you so". Because it's not their life. It's yours.
Exactly. It's not like she hasn't made mistakes. Actually she's even worse than me: she has said in front of relatives and in the family restaurant in front of employees, that she made "a mistake" in marrying my dad. (In reality, he's a wonderful man and she is LUCKY to have him, but that's another story.) At least I keep my personal problems to myself.
06/22/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I think seeing a good counselor sounds like a GREAT idea! You definitely deserve it.

Maybe you can think of it this way - since you believe that marriages and weddings represent love and joining your life with the life of someone you love and ...
Thank you. That is a very kind thing to say, and yes, it makes a lot of sense. I actually never felt like it was a marriage to begin with, hence why I kept my maiden name.. and although we do live and sleep together, we live basically like boyfriend and girlfriend (separate bank accounts, etc.) Honesty to me is even more important than the concept of "marriage is forever" and the fact that I've been dishonest to myself, my husband, and everyone around me (leading them to believe I was in love with them) is killing me. It's going to be hard but I have to tell the truth soon.
06/22/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by Chilipepper
I also married a man for the wrong reasons (not exactly yours, as we're all different), but I also took my vows and marriage seriously. I stayed in that marriage for ten years being so damned unhappy and stressed and hating him more and more each ...
Thanks Chilipepper. I'm glad you didn't end your life. Because that would've been a big mistake. I, too have been very depressed in my life (even more than I am now, believe it or not) and considered suicide. It is never a solution. Life sucks sometimes, but we have to make it through the best we can. It sounds like you're doing much better now. So there's hope for me too. I know I've improved in other areas of life, so maybe this is just another area I need to work on. Getting myself to believe that I'm independent, and I don't need anyone just to not be alone. If I'm in a relationship, it should be because I WANT to be, not because I NEED that person. Along with the other responses, I will be reading yours every day for awhile. There is a lot of wisdom in what you wrote.
06/22/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by HarlequinBunnie
I married my first husband for the wrong reasons as well. I loved him but at 19 I wasn't in love with him. My father had died and I already had a daughter with someone else (not be choice at all, though I love her and I'm thankful I have ...
Thank you.
06/22/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by P'Gell
Oh, honey. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain. I'm sorry your mother is making things worse.

I am willing to bet getting away would let to a huge amount of relief, but you need to try to stay strong. ...
Hi, P'Gell. Thanks for your support. My mom is invalidating, that's just who she is. It's part of the reason I am the way I am, but I don't want to look back--it doesn't help anything.

I actually don't have any close friends at all. I have a co-worker that I feel somewhat comfortable around, and actually have thought about talking to her about my miscarriage.. so it might be an option to talk to her. I don't know when, though-we're always so busy from the time we clock in till close.

I do plan on keeping my mom in the dark as much as possible, but she has a way of getting info out of my dad, plus I work for/with my parents. so I can't exactly hide from her. I am hoping for a miracle, that this will go smoothly. She likes to humiliate me in front of the employees..yes, I am serious. I'm terrified that this will come out in the restaurant-I'm a private person and I like to keep things to myself. She, on the other hand, talks about everything from how she made a "mistake" in marrying my dad, to her diarrhea and hemorrhoids. (Where's a puke icon when I need one?)

Honestly, I know my husband wouldn't hurt me. At least not physically. He can be very mean with his words, but he has never hit me. That's not to say he never would, but he hasn't to date. I'm not afraid of him. He probably knows if he did hit me, all I would have to do is get on the phone with my dad and he would be PRAYING to be sent back to his country. And I have been smart enough to have my own bank account, so money isn't a problem.

Thank you again for your kindness and support. I wish you were my mentor IRL, seriously. I will def. keep in touch and let you know how it's going.
06/22/2012
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Forgive me if I skip from subject to subject--I have these thoughts that need to come out...

1. Your dad has to live with your mom, he has figured out the best way for him and her to live together with the least amount of conflict. He is doing ...
Thanks js250 .

You are right about that, he said essentially the same thing (that he needs to get along with her even though he doesn't agree with her on a lot of things.) Not just about how she treats (or mis-treats) me, but also with their restaurant and her personal life. It makes sense that they can't fight about every little thing. Even if her behavior breaks my heart. It's not like she'll ever change anyway.

I do plan on finding a counselor. And I want to be honest with my husband as well. I do think he cares about me. He's not a horrible person and he deserves to know the truth. Maybe it's an idealistic fantasy, but I hope we can be friends after this. I'm sure he's going to be furious at me though..so I can forget about that.
06/22/2012
Chilipepper Chilipepper
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Thanks Chilipepper. I'm glad you didn't end your life. Because that would've been a big mistake. I, too have been very depressed in my life (even more than I am now, believe it or not) and considered suicide. It is never a solution. Life ...
Ah, yes, that was my problem, too - I was more afraid of being alone than anything else in my life. Tell you what, sweetie: it's actually kinda awesome to be your own independent woman. The power of having control over your own life is liberating.

Don't let the Fear win. The Fear of the Unknown will keep you miserable. The Unknown is much better than you think.
06/22/2012
P'Gell P'Gell
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
Hi, P'Gell. Thanks for your support. My mom is invalidating, that's just who she is. It's part of the reason I am the way I am, but I don't want to look back--it doesn't help anything.

I actually don't have any close ...
I'm glad you have your own money and can at least talk to your dad. Even if he tells your mom, at least you know he cares.

As for your mom.... I'll not say anything, but I know what you are living with, although I've never had to work with mine. You'll have to let her know eventually, but she doesn't need a daily update of what is going on with you. You're strong enough to get through this and she sucks for only wanting to break you down. Who cares if she "told you so?" It makes no difference. You are in a difficult time now, and it isn't about how she was "right" or thinks she was right. Try to keep her at arm's length. I know it's hard, but I had to learn how to do this, if only to keep my own mental health.

I'm glad your dad will emotionally support you if your husband gets mean. I'm still worried about you, though.

You know I'm thinking of you and keeping you in thoughts and prayers.

You're strong. You're a good person. You CAN do this.

I'm here. I wish I lived closer, sweetie.
06/22/2012
Mamastoys Mamastoys
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I am coming to terms with the fact that I married my husband of a little over a year for the wrong reasons. And I feel terrible about it. I've never felt this guilty about anything in my life. I was raised to take marriage seriously, and I knew ...
I married the first time for the wrong reason. I was 19, young, and stupid. My mom tried to tell me it was wrong but I didn't listen! Sure wish I had!!! We were married 2 years and my mom was nice to him but she still felt something was wrong.
For two years, I worked 70-80 hours a week and went to nursing school full time. He was going to school too but not working. Just as we were about to graduate, he tells me I WILL move to another state with him. I wasn't leaving my mom.
A long story short, it was two years of physical and mental abuse! When he left, I found out I was pregnant. I was so scared, alone, and didn't know what to do. I ended up having an abortion. I wasn't going to church at the time and didn't think I had any other choice. Now, I regret it everyday and wonder what would have happened.
Anyway, he moved out of state and I got with my hubby of 28 years.
I was raised to believe in marriage lasting forever but I think sometimes it is best to end things before they get too ugly.
I wish you luck and hope you find true happiness. Don't feel guilty about taking care of yourself. If he loves you, he will let you go and will understand. Good luck with your parents during this difficult time. I was lucky enough to have my mom's support during the whole mess.
06/22/2012
Noelle Noelle
Bless your heart! Remember, only you know how much you can stand being unhappy. You can't live a lie forever, it will eat you up. I think in your heart, you already know what you have to do. And when you decide to do it, you don't need to say a word to your family. It's none of their business, and not their life. You are much stronger making Your decisions, rather than have someone make them for you. Wishing and praying for all the best for you.!! You are stronger than you know.
06/24/2012
Envy Envy
I can't add more to what's already been said, but i will say that if you feel something is wrong, then trust your gut and do for you to make things feel right. Whether that's getting a counselor and trying to make things work, or leaving the guy and having a divorce. Whatever keeps you sane, happy, and healthy, DO IT.
06/24/2012
Mitzuki Mitzuki
What Envy said. :]

If you'd like someone to talk or vent to, I've been told I have a comfy shoulder. :]
06/24/2012
K101 K101
Quote:
Originally posted by bayosgirl
I am coming to terms with the fact that I married my husband of a little over a year for the wrong reasons. And I feel terrible about it. I've never felt this guilty about anything in my life. I was raised to take marriage seriously, and I knew ...
Wow. I cannot imagine how tough of a position that is! I want to say though, you're clearly brave and strong already for being able to see that something is not right and be able to know that you need to go on. That's brave, my friend! I so hate this for you. I think it's really mature of you though, to go about it like this. I mean, to be so considerate of his feelings still and acknowledge that it needs to end. I get that you're stuck at the actually how to end it part. I would be too, but it seems like you've really made it a long way already. I cannot say I know what you're going through because I do not, but I can only imagine how difficult this must be. I know it'd have me torn apart.

Another thing, I'm sorry that you're having to deal with guilt and "I told you so's." In my opinion, it's never OK to do the "I told you so" when someone is hurting.

By the sounds of your tone, it sounds like you're at an Ok point. What I mean by that is, you don't seem angry or like you're overreacting. You seem to be looking for a real way to handle this up front, honest and with maturity when it'd be so easy to just run away or find an easier way out. You aren't looking for someone else to come fix things, you acknowledged that you have to do it. That's so good of you. Most females I know would simply go out and cheat right in front of the guy just to have their marriage ended. I'm not joking either. I've SEEN it happen a few times with females I know around my age.

I think clearly, you sound like a good, kind hearted person.

Also, I am terribly sorry about your miscarriage. Jesus do I know what that's like. I lost both of my children and my OB/GYN said I won't ever be able to carry to full-term. Somethin' in me still can't believe that and write off any chance 100%, but I accepted it and we ended up with lovely children who aren't ours biologically, but ours nonetheless.

Sorry, I stray from one topic to the other so much.

I know it's gotta be so hard, but I hope you can somehow find a way to not let what your relatives say critical wise, hurt you. The last thing you need right now on top of this is someone to put more of a guilt load on you or make you feel even more wrong. Honestly, I understand guilt, but you're handling this the RIGHT way by deciding to do what's right for you, and I surely wish your relatives would just praise you for that rather than put you down. I guess family has a way of doing things though.

Is there any way you could avoid spending a lot of time with the critical family members? I have a fam member who has nearly killed me, and I finally had to distance myself from her, as badly as that hurts. It's awful, but in situations like what you're going through, it may be best to avoid the people who are hateful to you until you've gone through with your situation. Maybe you could make plans for each day you'd normally be around your parents. Maybe plan to only be around them for an hour and then run off with a good friend. The pool? Tanning bed? Shopping? Those are things that help me out a lot when I'm overly stressed. Something about the tanning bed is like meditation for me. I can be a mess and come out of the tanning bed a new person. Find something that relaxes you and make a plan to spend a day or some time doing that. For some people, like me, during a very hard time, keeping busy, surrounding yourself with people who are happy, really funny and understanding is really helpful.

It sounds like you have a big heart and really care about what your loved ones think. I'm the same way. I couldn't care less about what most people think, but when it comes to my loved ones, they can cut me down quicker than anything with simple words. I know it's so hard to not worry about how they are going to react, but I hope you're able to put yourself first this time. It will make things easier on you.

What do you do for fun, to blow off steam? You could spend some time throughout this process to do some of those things. It can be hard to finally get motivated and just do, but you really might feel much better. For me, a writer, when I'm very upset or going through something devastating, I'll bury myself in my work. If I'm hurt or angry, I attack my fitness pole until I'm exhausted to blow off steam. It won't make this go away, but on the days where you're really overwhelmed, there may be something like that that can calm you a bit.

You will be in my thoughts. I wish you the very best with this and I sure hope you're able to think of yourself throughout this. Find the right time to tell him. I know it won't be easy. And worry about you and only you for a while. Try to be civil and possibly still be friends if that's something YOU want. I hope all works out well.
06/24/2012
KRD KRD
You definitely received some great comments! I wish you the best. Everyone deserves to be happy!
06/28/2012
Total posts: 25
Unique posters: 14