Missing an ex...3 YEARS later. Sorry, Long

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bayosgirl

Ok, I feel really stupid. I only have one ex.. And I don't actually miss him so much as I miss our sex life in the beginning before things went bad. It was so unbelievably wonderful--night and day from my current relationship. For one thing I felt like he actually cared about my pleasure (I know right?! GASP!) He would take his time, and make me feel all sensual. In his own words, "I don't need to cum every time-making you feel good is my cum." And I believe he wasn't bullshitting. He was never in a hurry to penetrate me. He asked me every time, "Are you ready for me to be inside of you?" He had the ability to last a long time.. I can't remember our record, but it was well over an hour. On the first round. Yes, there were rounds. He could keep going after he came. I do remember 3-4 orgasms on his part in one session. He said he was tired after that....LOL I can imagine! After we were done, he always ran to the the bathroom to get a warm, wet washcloth to wipe me down with. And he would ever-so-tenderly kiss my vagina. Imagine that! That never happens now. The best I can get is a wad of T.P. and a "here you go."

I know now that I probably didn't love him like I thought I did, so all this is meaningless now. Still to this day I don't know if he himself loved me or not. Is it possible to make love to someone with so much attention and care, and not love them? The story of our relationship and demise is complicated (aren't these things always?), but the bottom line is he left me because my emotional issues were way too much for him when he didn't even have his own life together and had so much baggage of his own. It's not like he left me for someone prettier or younger (that would never happen--I was 18 and he was 29 when we met!) I'm glad that I finally have the maturity to distinguish between True Love and Lust Meets Infatuation. It hurts less that way. Still, I miss the intimacy we had. It kills me that now I have someone who I'm pretty sure loves me, but consistently performs horribly in bed. I'm not just talking about not having multiple orgasms, ether. I wouldn't expect any man to be able to do that. I'm talking about someone who appears to only be engaging in foreplay because he's obligated to do so. Who rolls over and falls asleep after orgasm without so much as a cuddle or a finger fuck. Seems pretty damn selfish, to me.

Want to know a secret, Edenites? I'll tell you something I'll never speak out loud. As much as my ex hurt me and as much as I would hate being alone-because I'm an honest person and I would have to tell my husband, and he would then surely leave me. If I had the chance, I might throw away my relationship with my husband just to have one night with my ex. It would never happen-he's in another relationship now and seems happy-but still, I fantasize about it from time to time. I had a dream about him the other night, which is bringing up all these feelings all over again. I dreamt that he came to visit me and brought our daughter that we apparently had. Somehow, in the dream, I didn't know that I had a child so I was surprised when they showed up at my doorstep. And then we ended up making love, and it was so wonderful, just like I remembered it. I felt terribly guilty, and frustrated, but also kind of....titillated after the dream. It felt so naughty to be having this dream that no one else knows about. I found myself imagining wistfully that he had the same dream, but I doubt it. I doubt I'm even a thought in his mind anymore. Oh well.

If you're thinking I should just leave my husband and move on to "Plan c", it isn't that simple unfortunately. I was planning to leave and seek an annulment for several reasons, but then I got pregnant. Since then, it's been a whirlwind for me. I lost the pregnancy two or three weeks after I found out (6-7 weeks gestation.) It's been so hard. Words can't express the emotions. A pregnancy I wanted since before I was 18, and I was waiting for the "right person", waiting to get better from my depression and chronic fatigue, waiting to graduate college, which the former were preventing me from doing. You can imagine my frustration. My husband has actually been pretty supportive through the ordeal and it has brought us closer in a way. I was thinking I want to get pregnant again "in a decent time frame", which varies from 2 months from now to 2 years. So I guess that's the main reason I'm still with him, I want to conceive again to replace the loss, and it's not like he's a bad person in any way. He's responsible, a hard worker, caring, and all that. I know that (almost) any man can father a child and there are "other fish in the sea" but how long for me to meet the right person and get married again? I know I could start over, start fresh, but I might be 30 by then.

I really envy people who have their lives together. I know everyone has problems. But most people have a set path in life and they plan and they feel in control of their life. They aren't led around by their emotions and things that happen to them. If you knew my full history and what I've "done" with my life since I graduated H.S., you would understand why I feel this way. Not to mention going against the main value my father has taught me since I was little-honesty and integrity. Lusting after an ex who has long since moved on when I'm married. Pathetic.

06/03/2012

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js250

I have to run to town in about five or ten minutes--will answer you when I get back!!!

06/03/2012

Zombirella

I read this, and just thought I'd comment and let you know that someone did read it. I just don't really have good advice to give, or atleast I don't think I do.
I can say that I had a similar situation but not exact. My ex turned abusive after we were together almost a year. I was also in high school, immature and all that. I don't think I was in love, well I think I FELT love but I wasn't getting what I was putting in. I just don't want to go into details about the relationship but lets say the sex was the only good thing that came out of it for me in the end because he wrecked my self-esteem that I still haven't reclaimed all these years later. He also ruined my easy trust. I have a hard time trusting people now, not just guys. It's caused issues in the last 2 serious (well longish) relationships I was in and caused fights in my current one. I'm just always thinking I'm not good enough ever.
But enough of that, it is emotionally draining and upsets me. I was engaged to a guy a while ago and was with him for over 4 years. I had gone without sex for awhile before I got with him so I was find with what I got. However, after being together for awhile I began to get frustrated. The last year we were together I doubt we even did have sex. It just wasn't worth it for me. He was HORRIBLE. Didn't last long enough to satisfy me and couldn't go 'rounds' as you say. He had problems but had a heart condition so couldn't get on meds. I felt bad and even suggested it after we got in a fight about never doing it. I remember a few days before we split up I was sitting in bed crying because I was engaged and I wasn't happy. I want to be satisfied and I wasn't. I cried because I thought that my sex life was going to suck forever. It just caused so many problems with us. I'm glad we are over.
Some people say sex isn't important in a relationship, but everyone is different. Some people can make it work, I couldn't. I had enough (or lack of). I'm SO glad that we aren't together and I am now engaged to someone that satisfies me in EVERY way, not just sexual.
I'm not saying to leave your husband because that is what worked in my situation. But have you talked to him about how you feel? I'm sure you have. If it isn't something he is willing to work on or can fix, then it is really up to you what to do. If you aren't happy you shouldn't stay just to stay ya know? And I want a kid too, SOOOOO badly. I'm 26. It just isn't a good time for me because I just got my bachelor degree and will be applying for a job, we will be saving up for our own place and moving out. I'd like to be married first but now that isn't a must for me. I always worry about my biological clock and all that but 30 isn't old. People are having children at 30 and over. People are putting off kids til later dates more and more. 30 doesn't mean you have to close up shop for the baby making factory! You are still capable of having one.
Now I do understand you wanting to stay to have your child. I really do get that. But it isn't really fair to use someone for that reason, atleast I know some people will see it that way. But like I said, I get your point and I could see me thinking the same thing if I was in your shoes.
If you can't get him to ignite the flame in the bedroom even with you initiating it then you need to really sit down and think about your options and what you want and what you can live with.

I really wish I had advice for you. What I wrote is probably just random and all over the place. But I just wanted to let you know I read it, I hear you, I understand. You poured yourself out here and only had one comment and I know that is frustrating because it has happened to me in other places and sometimes just knowing someone else read your words is nice to know.

And I understand about envying people that have it together. When I was a freshman in college thinking about my future I really thought I'd be married and have a child by the age I am now, I thought I'd be out on my own. But I'm not. I often feel like a loser. Most of my friends are married and/or have a child and their own place. I still live with my mom. I did graduate in March but I had to have foot surgery which I'm almost done with healing from but that put a hold on me getting a job, which I am currently without one. Again, just wanted to toss that out there so you know you aren't the only one that feels that way.

I hope someone else comments that can give you good advice .

06/03/2012

Mrs. Tickle and Giggle

Quote:

Originally posted by bayosgirl

Ok, I feel really stupid. I only have one ex.. And I don't actually miss him so much as I miss our sex life in the beginning before things went bad. It was so unbelievably wonderful--night and day from my current relationship. For one thing I felt like he actually cared about my pleasure (I know right?! GASP!) He would take his time, and make me feel all sensual. In his own words, "I don't need to cum every time-making you feel good is my cum." And I believe he wasn't bullshitting. He was never in a hurry to penetrate me. He asked me every time, "Are you ready for me to be inside of you?" He had the ability to last a long time.. I can't remember our record, but it was well over an hour. On the first round. Yes, there were rounds. He could keep going after he came. I do remember 3-4 orgasms on his part in one session. He said he was tired after that....LOL I can imagine! After we were done, he always ran to the the bathroom to get a warm, wet washcloth to wipe me down with. And he would ever-so-tenderly kiss my vagina. Imagine that! That never happens now. The best I can get is a wad of T.P. and a "here you go."

I know now that I probably didn't love him like I thought I did, so all this is meaningless now. Still to this day I don't know if he himself loved me or not. Is it possible to make love to someone with so much attention and care, and not love them? The story of our relationship and demise is complicated (aren't these things always?), but the bottom line is he left me because my emotional issues were way too much for him when he didn't even have his own life together and had so much baggage of his own. It's not like he left me for someone prettier or younger (that would never happen--I was 18 and he was 29 when we met!) I'm glad that I finally have the maturity to distinguish between True Love and Lust Meets Infatuation. It hurts less that way. Still, I miss the intimacy we had. It kills me that now I have someone who I'm pretty sure loves me, but consistently performs horribly in bed. I'm not just talking about not having multiple orgasms, ether. I wouldn't expect any man to be able to do that. I'm talking about someone who appears to only be engaging in foreplay because he's obligated to do so. Who rolls over and falls asleep after orgasm without so much as a cuddle or a finger fuck. Seems pretty damn selfish, to me.

Want to know a secret, Edenites? I'll tell you something I'll never speak out loud. As much as my ex hurt me and as much as I would hate being alone-because I'm an honest person and I would have to tell my husband, and he would then surely leave me. If I had the chance, I might throw away my relationship with my husband just to have one night with my ex. It would never happen-he's in another relationship now and seems happy-but still, I fantasize about it from time to time. I had a dream about him the other night, which is bringing up all these feelings all over again. I dreamt that he came to visit me and brought our daughter that we apparently had. Somehow, in the dream, I didn't know that I had a child so I was surprised when they showed up at my doorstep. And then we ended up making love, and it was so wonderful, just like I remembered it. I felt terribly guilty, and frustrated, but also kind of....titillated after the dream. It felt so naughty to be having this dream that no one else knows about. I found myself imagining wistfully that he had the same dream, but I doubt it. I doubt I'm even a thought in his mind anymore. Oh well.

If you're thinking I should just leave my husband and move on to "Plan c", it isn't that simple unfortunately. I was planning to leave and seek an annulment for several reasons, but then I got pregnant. Since then, it's been a whirlwind for me. I lost the pregnancy two or three weeks after I found out (6-7 weeks gestation.) It's been so hard. Words can't express the emotions. A pregnancy I wanted since before I was 18, and I was waiting for the "right person", waiting to get better from my depression and chronic fatigue, waiting to graduate college, which the former were preventing me from doing. You can imagine my frustration. My husband has actually been pretty supportive through the ordeal and it has brought us closer in a way. I was thinking I want to get pregnant again "in a decent time frame", which varies from 2 months from now to 2 years. So I guess that's the main reason I'm still with him, I want to conceive again to replace the loss, and it's not like he's a bad person in any way. He's responsible, a hard worker, caring, and all that. I know that (almost) any man can father a child and there are "other fish in the sea" but how long for me to meet the right person and get married again? I know I could start over, start fresh, but I might be 30 by then.

I really envy people who have their lives together. I know everyone has problems. But most people have a set path in life and they plan and they feel in control of their life. They aren't led around by their emotions and things that happen to them. If you knew my full history and what I've "done" with my life since I graduated H.S., you would understand why I feel this way. Not to mention going against the main value my father has taught me since I was little-honesty and integrity. Lusting after an ex who has long since moved on when I'm married. Pathetic. less

Have you told your husband that you are needing a more fulfilling sex life. I would leave out the part about the ex, but I would tell him you need more. Suggest other things you can try to get it that way.

06/03/2012

js250

I remember one of your past posts. You did not know wheather to stay or go--your husband is waiting for his visa and your dad/parents are not overly happy with your situation. Hopefully I have this right.

I used to feel the same way as you do now. My husband and I have been together for 16 years now, but after we were together for about 3-4 years I wanted OUT!! He was severely physically abusive at that point in our life and emotionally abusive as well. He did stop after I called the cops and they informed him of what would happen if they came out to our house again. (I decided not to press charges, went to the SAFE house and we did eventually work it out.)

My husband has always been damn good in bed, but I wanted the emotional closeness more than the physical. I fantasized all the time about an ex-fiance and had convinced myself I was still half in love with him--of course I diminished the negatives in our relationship. And the dreams!!!

I ran into my ex, we had nothing in common, he has spun his wheels all these years and I have bought a business and started two others. It was a desperate, epic failure. But at the time, I was still trying to convince myself that it could work...kind of. At the same time, my husband was truly making an effort to be kind, he has never hit or beaten me since and we still had a really decent PHYSICAL sex life--just not emotional.

We had kind of used a couple of toys---rarely---I was sooo self-concious. He tried to get a couple of porn movies I might like--I was too embarrassed to really give them a chance. ALSO, the distance between us meant the emotional closeness was not present.

One particular weekend i had just been pretty ill, my blood pressure was around 62/68 and I had been to the DR. and had a couple prescriptions to bring it up. (Basically prescription speed--never tried it as an illegal drug, so I did not know any effects). I was zooming and higher than a kite. I really got into the sexual aspect of the relationship, we watched a couple porn movies, played with our toys and I let ALL inhibitions go and was completely wild with desire and sexual need. We ended up finally making that emotional connection over the weekend. And for the rest of the month I was on the meds. After I was off the pills, my inhibitions worked their way back into my head. However, I had learned to trust him with my base sexual needs which led to the emotional bond...It has grown since--many many times over!!!

I guess what I am saying is that you might be doubting your relationship since you feel he is with you POSSIBLY just for the visa. But there are many other ways to get one. You need to feel the passion of a former romance, the perfect sexual compatibility and are comparing that to your current, less sexually compatible relationship. Correct??

Does your husband's culture have a different view of a woman's/couples sexual relationship, compatibility and lifestyle than you?? Are you letting other people's doubts and feelings on your relationship color your own view? Do you love your husband? Enough to build a new relationship, find the emotional closeness and work on the sexual compatibility together??

Only you know the answers. But if you are willing to let go of the past and actually build a FUTURE for yourself, and maybe your husband, you will be so much happier!! Try not to place so much emphasis on a relationship completing you as a person--but you learning how to complete yourself and try to stop making demands on what will make you happy. I am saying this with great care and compassion--I have been where you are just in different circumstances. Please message me if you want to talk or need some advice/help. I truly care and am worried about you!!

HUGE HUGS!!!!

06/04/2012

CamelliaGirl

I think that it's not pathetic to want good sex. Your fantasies about your ex aren't about your ex--they're about what your relationship with your husband is missing.

07/03/2012

indiglo

Awww, ((((( hugs ))))) to you sweetie. I'm really sorry for what you're feeling.

I've often found during moments of sadness and discontent I've also reminisced about "the good old days". The truth is, they weren't all THAT good, as you yourself recognize. So regardless whether your ex loved you or not - he treated you the way you wish your husband treated you now in bed. Being unhappy with your husband will make the grass look greener wherever you look. You have real reasons to be unhappy with your husband - but it's still your choice to stay or leave.

If you do have a kid with your husband, how do you see things changing between the two of you? Where do you think the two of you will be in 5 years if you DON'T have a kid? Were do you think you'll be in 5 years if you DO have a kid? Where do you see YOURSELF in 5 years if you stay with this man and have his child? Where do you see YOURSELF in 5 years if you leave this man? Is this someone you want to be permanently linked to for the rest of your life?

One thing I've learned through some counseling - the feelings we have when we first decide to make a change are the real feelings. Your frustration, anger, depression & longing for change are still real. When you find yourself thinking, "Things aren't that bad," chances are you are just reacting to the stress of change. It's tough, but nothing magically changes. Your husband is never going to wake up one morning and be a different man.

07/03/2012

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