two minutes...

two minutes...

aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
that's as long as my boyfriend and me were able to stay on the phone just now. that was long enough for him to bore me, me get mad at him, and us hang up.

we've been together a year and our major personality and interest differences are bugging me again. he's just so laid back and... boring! and i want someone adventurous, passionate, goal-oriented, who dreams and gets excited about something other than halo and fucking my ass. that was harsh.

he'd do literally.. anything for me. he's so sweet to me. and he's smart as hell. and funny, and clever. and i love him, really.


its just getting pretty hard to keep this together. i lost interest a long time ago. he just keeps trying to make up for it and i keep staying. its really hard to let someone go when you've been together that long. feelings, emotions have run deep.
we are currently eachother's best friend. if we split up, we'd both be alone most the time. we've become kind of loners. its not that we dont try to hang out with other people, just... he's shy. and my friends are flaky.



what to do when the spark, the excitement, and all is just fucking gone? it may return for an evening or two here or there.. but mostly i'm just tired.

the sex is pretty good. but not nearly as good as it could or should be. if one or both of us wasnt so damn lazy. we've slowed down to once, maybe twice a week if we're lucky.


please, some advice. a big part of me wants to leave this and be free, start anew, gain some independence, rely on myself, show myself again how strong i can be on my own.

another part doesn't want to hurt him, doesn't want to lose the intimacy, the comfort, the closeness. help?


thanks for listening to my ramblin'.
11/22/2011
  • Buy 1 Toy, Get 1 FREE
  • Save 20% on Luxury Toys
  • Save 80%. Limited Quantity
  • Save 50% on Selected Items
  • Sexy Treats For Her! Gorgeous Gift Set For $60
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
All promotions
Kkay Kkay
In my experience, staying because you feel like you should stay leads to misery for everyone involved.
11/22/2011
Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
that's as long as my boyfriend and me were able to stay on the phone just now. that was long enough for him to bore me, me get mad at him, and us hang up.

we've been together a year and our major personality and interest differences ...
You only live once.

This is my advice to you: Do you see yourself with him forever? Swatting him in the shins with your cane while he's trying to walk? Having kids (if you want them)? If not..... don't waste any more of your good years being cooped up with him. Before you know it, you'll be gettin' older, going "OMG.... I'm like, getting old and I'm going to end up an old cat lady if I don't find someone before these smile lines get worse!" (Trust me... I'll be 30 in february, and all those little signs up age sneak up REALLY fast out of nowhere.)

If you do see yourself with him forever, or at least for a really long time, then you have to work for it. Arick and I have been together for 5 years. At one point, we almost got a divorce. We pretty much hated each other, but it wasn't what we wanted, and we knew 'it' was still there somewhere. It sounds like things are just stagnant between you guys. You need something new to change it up, and re-kindle things. And I know it's cliche, but even the best relationships take work. We have to work really hard to keep things 'fired up' between us. We have to remember to appreciate all the little things we love about each other. BUT... it HAS to go both ways. And you can only control one side of it. So, if you are willing to do your part, and he is willing to do his, then you got a good chance.

Good luck!
11/22/2011
Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Also, I forgot to add.... if you are only staying to avoid hurt feelings, think about this: What's going to hurt worse? Doing it now? Or 3 years down the road when you have put even more time an effort into the relationship, and you have bonded even more?
11/22/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Tessa Taboo
You only live once.

This is my advice to you: Do you see yourself with him forever? Swatting him in the shins with your cane while he's trying to walk? Having kids (if you want them)? If not..... don't waste any more of your good ...
thank you! that was so well-put. he's willing to work on it, i'm just not sure he knows HOW. i mean, everything i've wanted him to do differently i've told him hundreds of times, in every way i can think of. it doesn't really sink in.

i'll try to hang in here for a minute. yes, i CAN see myself with him for a long time. sometimes. then i see things like... starkiller on here talking about how she and her BF make art together and im like

how come he wont make art with me? i've just had boyfriends before who were so much more 'like me' and... well, obviously that didnt work. but i want us to INSPIRE eachother. we end up draining eachother's energies.
11/23/2011
Tessa Taboo Tessa Taboo
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
thank you! that was so well-put. he's willing to work on it, i'm just not sure he knows HOW. i mean, everything i've wanted him to do differently i've told him hundreds of times, in every way i can think of. it doesn't really sink ...
So, this isn't so much of advice, as something anecdotal, but here you go:

I met Arick when he was almost 19 (I had no idea he was that young, and he thought I was his age, but I was 6 years older....lol). We used to be like what you said.... about inspiring each other. But... over the last 5 years we have both changed a lot. We got to the point where we were draining each other, like you said.... but we figured out how to be ourselves without trying to change each other, and how to still love each other, and like each other, and still be ourselves. I wouldn't say that we DON'T inspire each other.... but now, instead of being like fireworks, it's more of a constantly burning candle.
11/23/2011
poetprincess poetprincess
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
that's as long as my boyfriend and me were able to stay on the phone just now. that was long enough for him to bore me, me get mad at him, and us hang up.

we've been together a year and our major personality and interest differences ...
I know how you feel, I have been with my man for 4 years, granted we do not fight and we can stay on the phone for hours with each other also while chatting online. He bores me though. he will do anything for me. loan me money, watch my kids. you name it he will do it but I get so frustrated with his laid back attitude, he is paying out the butt for child-support but wont go get a better paying job. he lives with his mom and i know why, she is a drunk and tonight she feel and busted her head open and had to go get stiches. but seriously he needs to leave and move out on his own but he wont. he would rather sit and play video games then go out. and if i do get him out he is bored in and hour and wanting to go home. If he wasn't so damn good in bed I would have dumpped him years ago lol.
11/23/2011
LoveDove LoveDove
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
that's as long as my boyfriend and me were able to stay on the phone just now. that was long enough for him to bore me, me get mad at him, and us hang up.

we've been together a year and our major personality and interest differences ...
Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I don't know that I ought to be weighing in on the subject, but...I'm gonna do it anyways.

Honestly? I think you should end it. Because I was at where you were at - "he's such a nice guy, he treats me so well, things have been great in the past even though they're pretty damn lackluster now, I love him, he's so adorable..." and so on.

It took him reacting to my birthday via a single "happy birthday, I love you" text. That was all he did. And it hit me. Clearly, he's not interested in making this work anymore. If he did, he would've called and had a conversation. He would've gotten me a card. He would've wanted to skype me. (We're about 800 miles apart during the school year.) I'd been strongly considering leaving. And that was the final straw - realizing that neither of us really wanted it anymore, though he insisted he did. Actions count for more than words.

You, dearest, are waiting for that final straw. You're waiting for something he does to justify it. Now, you're waiting for someone to tell you that it's okay to say, "I can't do this anymore. I'm done."

It is okay to feel that you can't - or perhaps simply don't want to - be in that relationship anymore. And it's okay to be honest with your boyfriend about it. He will be hurt. You will be hurt. If you have to cry, cry. Cry together, if you want to. Let him know that you are hurting too. Cry alone at night, if you'd rather. It is painful to go from having someone be such an integral part of your life to not being that.

But if/when you've broken up with him, keep your distance. You'll need to learn to stand on your own two feet again. You'll need to be able to look at yourself in a mirror and think that someone someday will love you enough and you will love them enough and you can make it work. Pamper yourself. Dye your hair a new color or get a sexy haircut, have a little shopping spree, have a movie night with friends. While you're at it, make new friends. Less flaky ones. (You deserve better.)

I read this advice columnist, Sugar (I know, it sounds lame-ish, but I love her to death) and I went on a Sugar-reading binge the first week. I think this one hit me the most, and I think you might enjoy reading it. It's called Tiny Beautiful Things. link

Now that I've rambled...I hope all this helps, Alice. <3
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by LoveDove
Well, I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I don't know that I ought to be weighing in on the subject, but...I'm gonna do it anyways.

Honestly? I think you should end it. Because I was at where you were at - "he's such a ...
god, that article was amazing! and so was your advice. it touched me to see someone who doesn't know me at all reaching out a caring hand and offering some heartfelt words. thank you.
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by poetprincess
I know how you feel, I have been with my man for 4 years, granted we do not fight and we can stay on the phone for hours with each other also while chatting online. He bores me though. he will do anything for me. loan me money, watch my kids. you ...
wow, yes he needs to move out on his own! yes, my boy is lackadaisical as well, and has zero goals. he just goes with the flow, and like your boy, tends to gravitate towards weaker people who cling onto him like they need him and bring him down. his last girlfriend was a freaking doozy, and i still dont know what to think of him when i remember he was with her. controlling, neurotic, addicted to coke and an alcoholic. emotionally abusive. emotionally manipulative. a liar with a track record. oh. and she fucked his best friend. WHY the hell did he stay with her? i guess he thought he couldnt find anything better.

if i wait for HIM to give up on me. i will wait forever. i dont think he'll quit. i'll never be as shitty of a girlfriend as she was. i'm a fucking saint next to her.

as love dove said, i am waiting for someone to tell me it's okay to go. it's just the going part that is the hardest to do.
11/23/2011
indiglo indiglo
I don't know your boyfriend, but is it possible that he has some low-level, undiagnosed, untreated and ongoing depression? That can sap all your energy and motivation and desire to do stuff. Plus it can also lower your sex drive. It would also make him think that he deserves whatever crappy treatment he gets, and could wreak havoc with his self-esteem and all that.
11/23/2011
LoveDove LoveDove
Quote:
Originally posted by aliceinthehole
god, that article was amazing! and so was your advice. it touched me to see someone who doesn't know me at all reaching out a caring hand and offering some heartfelt words. thank you.
And just so you know...(cause I don't think I actually said it specifically): It is okay for you to go because you want to go. And once you've made the decision, that's half the battle. The other half of the battle is telling him. And it's all downhill from there.
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by indiglo
I don't know your boyfriend, but is it possible that he has some low-level, undiagnosed, untreated and ongoing depression? That can sap all your energy and motivation and desire to do stuff. Plus it can also lower your sex drive. It would also ...
i myself have depression and have wondered at him sometimes. his massive amount of sleeping has led me to wonder. however, it turns out to be just general laziness and lack of motivation, it seems.
11/23/2011
Valentinka Valentinka
aliceinthehole, I think I know how you feel. I used to be stuck in a relationship that I didn't want with my ex, because I couldn't end it, didn't want to hurt him, etc. However, I also was partly afraid of being alone, but still. When I think of it now I see no point at all, like it was the most useless waste of nerves, health, emotions and time we could ever had. I should have ended it long before things started getting wrong.

But every situation is different. For instance, I've been with my current partner for more than 2 years now and we also had that difficult period when I got bored, he had no motivation at all to do anything either with his life or with our relationship, I was getting mad all the time and so on. Eventually, he was the one who decided to break up. Cowardly, while chatting on the Internet. Then he came over, we talked and decided to take a break from each other. No one promised anything, we were too confused to figure out if a break was temporary or was it actually a break-up. That month we spent apart helped me to figure out who I was out of a relationship, to find some balance so to speak. He also seemed to understand something for himself. That break was followed by a long period of "recovery", but as the result things got AMAZINGLY better. We are both pretty confident in ourselves and each other now. As mrsheatherreese said, now it's not like fireworks, but more of a constantly burning candle.

What I wanted to say is that taking a break might be helpful. The thing is to view it not as something bad like a cowardly way to break up, but as a way to figure things out for both of you.

I really hope everything will turn out well for you both one way or another
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Valentinka
aliceinthehole, I think I know how you feel. I used to be stuck in a relationship that I didn't want with my ex, because I couldn't end it, didn't want to hurt him, etc. However, I also was partly afraid of being alone, but still. When I ...
thank you so much for your sweet encouragement. i feel much better now. it-s so nice to have a little kinship with you caring folks on here. i really appreciate this community. esp. in difficult times!

your words struck a chord with me. i have some hope. thank you again.
11/23/2011
Starkiller87 Starkiller87
My boyfriend and I dont have the perfect relationship, dont let the common interests fool you. We have to work really hard at times, and weve had more than a few where is this going conversations. Were best friends and I think at times there is just much more of a friendship than relationship. Its weird, im just as confused as the next person. I think everyone hits that comfortable stage where things arent as exciting, where its so easy to just be around each other but not necessarily steamy. I dont know, I agree with the above though is it gonna hurt worse now or later. It also can be hard living with an artist, we both make our messes with our projects, and can be overly critical of work. We support each others art and are proud but while a normal person will just say oh thats awesome, were like oh have you thought of changing this and this. When we do get things done together it is awesome dont get me wrong, its Ithink it can become a sensitive issue at times. Its hard to explain but you probably know what im talking about. It has its ups and downs overall. But I say do whats gonna make you happy, everyones advice is great so I cant really add too much more to it.
11/23/2011
sktb0007 sktb0007
Perhaps taking up an activity that you enjoy by yourself could re-energize you and in turn make the relationship seem more lively again? You said that you don't go out much with friends because they are "flaky".. why not join a group like karate, or whatever your interest is. Even if this doesn't help the relationship, I think it would really help you by giving you that feeling of independence by doing the things YOU want to do. I've felt the way you've felt in the past and I don't think it was so much that I was bored with the person I was with, it was more that we became complacent with our situation and never did anything to try and change it.
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Starkiller87
My boyfriend and I dont have the perfect relationship, dont let the common interests fool you. We have to work really hard at times, and weve had more than a few where is this going conversations. Were best friends and I think at times there is just ...
aw starkilla. it did seem so fairy-tale... like patty smith and robert mapplethorpe for a minute. of course, the grass is always greener.
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by sktb0007
Perhaps taking up an activity that you enjoy by yourself could re-energize you and in turn make the relationship seem more lively again? You said that you don't go out much with friends because they are "flaky".. why not join a group ...
that is a marvelous idea. its simply getting enough motivation myself to do it. i have some serious depression issues (like for the past few months cant do much more than sleep and go to work, on a good day.) and i'm on medication and seeing a therapist. so. it's on the up and up. i think, i guess.


thank you for sharing. it's good to hear these good advices. even if it won't sink in now, maybe hearing this now will hit me right some point down the road.

thanks again.
11/23/2011
Antipova Antipova
So... what are your boyfriend's interests? My partner's an arty type, and, while I have appreciation for that, I'm totally boring and mathy, myself. And sometimes, we just gotta let each other do our own thing. I ask him questions about art, to show I'm interested, and I'm learning a little bit... but even though I'll eventually learn all about pigment and how things stick together chemically, I'm not going to have the same "art drive" that he does. We just had to shrug and accept it.

But beyond that---

I dated a guy for about a year and a half three years ago. He was smart and clever (and also arty) and we were both teaching each other things every day. I grew so much with him (including learning how to talk). It was an incredible relationship.

But it was also exhausting as hell. When things started to go south (he also wasn't really comfortable with my sexuality), he made the very astute observation "I'm really good at challenging you. But I haven't learned how to make you comfortable."

And it struck me that a good relationship needs to be a balance of both of those things---challenging and comfortable. I looked over all my previous relationships, and found that most of them either were challenging, or comforting. Face-sharpening (link) or a warm blanket/umbrella.

I've been trying, ever since then, to find a balance. My current relationship falls way more on the "comfortable" side, and when I feel myself needing my face sharpened sometimes I have to really make myself do it (depression too), or ask other friends what they're studying lately, or even just read a good magazine or something.

Just some thoughts. Maybe they will help.

(imagine small kitty picture here, mine is gray.)
11/23/2011
El-Jaro El-Jaro
I'll echo most people here, but maybe add a couple bite sized nuggets for your brain to chew over:

1. For a guy, comfortable isn't always bad. Comfortable = stable. I know guys aim for comfortable because their last ex's were head trips.

2. Breaks can be good. But if you really want to break up, say so now. Later is worse.

3. One for everyone: Don't fault people for not being what you want them to be.

Much and
11/23/2011
aliceinthehole aliceinthehole
Quote:
Originally posted by Antipova
So... what are your boyfriend's interests? My partner's an arty type, and, while I have appreciation for that, I'm totally boring and mathy, myself. And sometimes, we just gotta let each other do our own thing. I ask him questions about ...
"And it struck me that a good relationship needs to be a balance of both of those things---challenging and comfortable."

marvelous astute observation.


my kittehs are gray too!



he's interested in... halo, beer pong, hot wings, baseball, basketball, and football. watching them, not playing them.

he also likes building things, fixing stuff around the house, and on my truck.

he likes to play pool and occasionally go bowling. and making me happy. these are the things he loves.


we've been through all of the great advice about getting new, different friends, hanging out with other people, doing our own thing... but we're just stuck in this rut and we cant do any of it successfully. i got so pissed at him last saturday night because i put on a porn and lingerie, and he fell asleep. at 7pm. he-d only been up for like 7 hours! i was so mad. ideally, any of my other friends and i, should they actually be available, would go to a club... or just hang out at my place and TALK. thats something he cannot do. he can NOT just 'hang out' with me... talk, make art, play with the kiddies. everything has to be planned entertainment or he's going to sleep. its fucking lame!


and @ JR... faulting people for not being what one wants them to be seems to be the anthem of my relationships. thats a hardass habit to break. i want things to be 'perfect' or DAMN NEAR IT. and i definitely have an idea in my head of what 'perfect' is.
11/23/2011
lalapetitee lalapetitee
I'm in the same place right now and its so hard.
11/23/2011
lalapetitee lalapetitee
I'm in the same place right now and its so hard.
11/23/2011
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
I've been following this thread with a lot of interest and wondered what to say.

My husband and I have been married for 32 years now and we've gone through times where we hated each other, where we were bored with each other, and where we adored each other. We laugh about the fact that if we were on eHarmony or something we'd NEVER EVER get matched up because we don't have the same interests or background. Yet, somehow, with our commitment to each other - we make it work and we make it through those "blah" cycles.

So what advice do I have for you? First of all - take your eyes off the relationships that other people have...that's them...two totally unique people and you aren't either one of them. Let's face it - the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence cause you're not the one who has to mow it. (You also don't have to fertilize it....).

Like grass, relationships need that "fertilizer" (aka "sh*t) to help them grow and reach full potential. That means the boring times as well as the happy times.

You talk about wanting things to be perfect...so tell me - how hard are YOU willing to work to be perfect for someone else? Or are you expecting them to do all the working at it.

Mind you - I'm not saying you should stay with this guy - or that you shouldn't.

I just think you need to really think about what you want and how important things are to you.

We've come to the point now that for us - relationship isn't about me or him - its about "us".

That doesn't mean we don't each have our own interests and it doesn't mean that we spend hours together every day doing stuff together. He loves the game Minecraft - I can't stand it. I love Farmville - he's "eh" about it.

Anyway - just wanted to add my perspective - skewed as it might be.
11/23/2011
Total posts: 25
Unique posters: 13