When you hit a rocky point in your relationship, are there thiems you think you will not make it?

When you hit a rocky point in your relationship, are there thiems you think you will not make it?

js250 js250
js250
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We have hit a seriously rocky point in our relationship. The only thing we have going for us right now is sex and the fact we do love each other. I don't even think we like each other a whole lot at his point. Our outside stresses have finally come between us to the point where we can not even talk to each other without arguing and I am honestly wondering if there is any future for us together. We have had rocky patches before but nothing like this one, it feels so permanent this time. Any advice or experiences would help.
10/30/2011
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Ansley Ansley
I'm sorry you feel that way. Maybe a cooling off period would be a good idea. If you both decide to dig in your heels and make it work, then it will. Communication and compromise are key.

I'm not trying to downplay your troubles, but there really isn't one piece of advice or a book of advice than can help you if neither one of you are willing to work on it. If at the end of the day you can say that you still love each other and that come what may, it's worth sticking around then you'll find the available avenues to make it happen. *hugs*
10/30/2011
indiglo indiglo
I agree with Stormy. Take a while to both calm down, and remember why you got together in the first place. Think about all the other times the cards have been stacked against you, but you came through. Remember why it was worth fighting for back then, and why it's still worth fighting for. (If you both decide it is.)

If you both decide you will make it work no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, you will. These places are never easy, but when you get through them damned if it doesn't feel AMAZING!

Wishing you both the very best.
10/30/2011
Paladin Fantasys Paladin Fantasys
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
We have hit a seriously rocky point in our relationship. The only thing we have going for us right now is sex and the fact we do love each other. I don't even think we like each other a whole lot at his point. Our outside stresses have finally ...
I've heard it said that when you get to that point where you are about to give up, that the potential for something really great is just ahead if you can work through the difficulties.

I don't know how true that is as a general axiom, but it worked out that way for us. In our 25 years we almost lost it twice. Once just a few years after we'd been married and again about five years ago. In between the two we were somewhat adrift, with life events driving us along.

Serious self reflection and awareness is required by at least one of you, with that same person deciding that come what may, this is going to work. For us it required painstaking self realization about what makes us tick, even having to ferret out old HS neuroses and baggage we were affected by and still carried around since before we ever met.
10/30/2011
js250 js250
Quote:
Originally posted by Paladin Fantasys
I've heard it said that when you get to that point where you are about to give up, that the potential for something really great is just ahead if you can work through the difficulties.

I don't know how true that is as a general axiom, ...
Thanks! I really want us to be together and to work everything out. I just need the petty bullshit to stop. I know we all have bad days, but for craps sakes, do NOT take them out on the other person!! I am just tired of having to second guess his depression and moods in order to figure out if we are going to have a good night or a bad one. I am moody as well, but I honestly try to clear it out by driving the long way home, going to the store or taking a long bath. Most of the time it works, not all the time. I realize no one is perfect, but when someone bitches 24/7 life sucks. Theirs and yours. I am going to go now and write more later, I am starting to make me mad and just want to quit with the complaining. Thanks, Paladin. Thanks also to Stormy and Indiglo, every bit of advice does help clarify and add new perspectives to the situation.
10/30/2011
Ansley Ansley
Quote:
Originally posted by js250
Thanks! I really want us to be together and to work everything out. I just need the petty bullshit to stop. I know we all have bad days, but for craps sakes, do NOT take them out on the other person!! I am just tired of having to second guess his ...
If you can't stop his complaining, then there's a good chance that what he's complaining about isn't what he's really upset about. Talk to him calmly, rationally and with "I" statements. "I feel that when you come home and complain that *I'm* not doing something right and it hurts *me*" instead of accusatory statements like "your bitching and complaining is hurting our relationship and it's not my fault, so get it together". (Can you tell my husband and I used to fight a lot?)
10/30/2011
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
First of all, I'm sorry that life is sucky right now. Its hard when it gets that way.

We've been married 31 years and we've been through several rough patches but I'll never forget a period of several months during the time when we lived in Anchorage, Alaska (1996-2000). There were so many times during those months (probably about a year in that time frame) when I just wanted to walk away - he could have the kids, the car - he could have everything. I just wanted out because nothing I said or did was right and all he could do was complain. It got to the point where I hated to see him pull in from work.

At the time, I was reading a book titled something like "The 10 Life Principles of Time and Life Management" by Hyrum Smith. At one point he talked about figuring out what changes (small ones) you could make if your life sucked (he didn't put it that way) - and making those changes. It was about being pro-active about your life and not just sitting there and taking what it shoved at you.

I was going for a walk alone and I remember crying out to God and saying, "I'm just so miserable - I hate this man - I hate myself - and I hate my life. But something has to give."

It was then that I made a decision. While I would stay in my marriage and do what I could - I was going to do what I could to nurture myself and take care of me.

I knew my husband was in a work situation that was stressful and since he was military - it wasn't like he could just go out and get another job. He was stuck in this job - with a female boss who HATED men (and actually did her best to get several guys kicked out of the military when they were within 5 years of retirement).

I couldn't change his work and I couldn't change him - but I could change me.

That weekend at church, I went to the prayer room with a friend and just cried my heart out - and she helped me hook up with a mentor at church who had been through the same thing with her husband years earlier!

Now I had a buddy to support me through this. If my hubby was horrible - I could call her and cry on her shoulder and she'd talk me through it. We tried to see if we could pinpoint things that were setting him off and making him this way.

I also pretended at times that I had this coat over me that if he said something mean or hurtful - it deflected off. I was not going to let his anger and his poison make me bitter and poison who I was.

If he got started on a tirade, I'd say, "I'm sorry you're upset" and then I'd walk away and let him deal with his emotions as quickly as I could.

In other words - if his attitude was going to cause him to wallow in the mudbath - that was fine - but I wasn't gonna get in there with him.

I'm happy to say that we made it through that time and our marriage is much stronger - largely from things we both learned.

I learned that he needed his space to vent even if it wasn't because of something I was doing. He had so much stress on him and he had to let it off somewhere and home was the only "safe" place.

I have come to believe over the years that if both people in a marriage are willing to be committed to each other and stick together through the hard times - they CAN do so. As long as there is not another person involved (affair - emotional or physical) - I believe that many marriages that end today can be saved.

I'm not trying to "preach" - I hope you know that. Even now my honey and I go through hard times - but we've learned that it is cyclical and we CAN And WILL make it through to the other side.
10/30/2011
badk1tty badk1tty
Quote:
Originally posted by Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
First of all, I'm sorry that life is sucky right now. Its hard when it gets that way.

We've been married 31 years and we've been through several rough patches but I'll never forget a period of several months during the time ...
Texas mama makes a really good point. You can't change your partner, you can only change yourself.

Another thing is one that I go by in my own relationship - Sometimes, you can either be right, or be in love; not both.

Best of luck - you've got a pretty solid community here to vent to, if that's what you're needing. :>
10/30/2011
TheBadHobbit TheBadHobbit
I'm really young and haven't had a long-term relationship, so what I'm sharing here comes from watching my parents for a couple decades but I just want to point something out . .

Sometimes, even though your instinct is 'I need to retreat from this situation or else we will fight and that won't make anything better', it might be better to stay and just nod and listen. If your partner is at ALL feeling like he/she's been ignored in the relationship lately, your walking out might send them the signal of 'you are not important enough for me to put up with this bullshit'.

Obviously it's hard to tell when walking away will do more damage than staying, but just try to keep an ear out for complaints that you only want them for one thing, that you're 'always' busy doing X, or that you never have time for them . .

A good way to start staving off that ignored feeling is to immediately drop what you're doing and acknowledge them as soon as they get home. Even just coming over for a quick hug, or a 'hello, honey!' or getting them a quick and easy drink (depending on their love languages . . touch, words of affirmation, gifts, etc . . ) You can then go back to what you were doing, but the important thing is that for a minute or two you gave them your whole attention.

I know it's really, really frustrating to be involved in something and then have someone come in and try to tear your attention away. It's a lot easier to listen to them with half an ear. DON'T DO THIS when they first come home. In fact, try avoiding this MOST of the time when the relationship is in trouble. You don't have to seek out opportunities to pay attention to them - just, anytime they try to talk to you, physically turn away from whatever you're doing and let it sit. That post will still be there when you're done talking to your significant otter

Sooo, yeah . . . there's my relationship-advice-wi thout-having-been-in-a -relationship. That's, uh, highly specific to people who feel like they're being ignored / treated as not very important. Take it for what it's worth.

*hugs* And please keep in mind that while their horrible hurtful ways / words are NOT okay and you have a right to be upset about them . . . loving them means loving them even if they don't change. Tell yourself that you can still care about their wellbeing even if they keep being so petty.

Mind you, loving them doesn't always mean staying with them. You gotta love YOURSELF too and I do believe there are some times when you need to get out for your own health. Just . . y'know . . don't HATE them while leaving.

Blah. Long rant over. I'll be praying for you that things get better, js250 *huggles* If what I've seen from friends and family is any guide, though, you can get through this! And even if the relationship fails - maybe he doesn't want to keep fighting to keep it together - at least YOU can know you acted with integrity, and that'll help you be stronger and more at peace after it's all over.
10/31/2011
Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama Hot 'N Sexy TexasMama
One thing that has helped me over the years (I think it was about that time when I thought of this) is to realize that much of communication in marriage is like a tennis game - with the ball (topic of conversation) going back and forth as partners "spar" or "communicate".

Sometimes our partner says something that is really stupid or angry or whatever - but the neat thing is - we don't HAVE to chase after that ball and hit it back. We can just let it go "out of bounds" and serve another ball with words of our choosing.

Don't get me wrong - my honey and I argue - but I try now to pick and choose what is worth arguing about - and what is worth just letting it slide on by.

Both my husband and I have wicked tempers if we let them control our emotions and we can hurt each other with words that slice to the core.

The thing is - do I really want to hurt that person - or do I want to work through this issue.

I find that sometimes the best thing I can do is to simply say, "I'm sorry you're upset...can I do something about it?" and normally he'll just walk away or something but it gives him time to cool down.

I used to think that we should try to work through every argument immediately - and that we HAD to discuss it. You know - the Biblical addage of "Don't let your sun go down on your anger", etc.

But then I saw this video: link and I mentioned it to another long-term married couple who were Christians and shared how I struggled with the sentiment - but the wife said, "I understand though. Sometimes X just needs time to work through what he's thinking and he needs that time to be mad." WOW. No wonder their marriage was good - she'd learned to allow him that time - without criticism of the fact that he needed it.

Anyway - my point is this - whenever our spouse says something mean or hurtful or whatever - we have a choice in how we react to their actions. We can respond in kind - we can try to respond kindly or we can decide that its not worth a fight and just give them space.
10/31/2011
js250 js250
WOW! You guys have made a lot of very good points and a couple of you really are making me think about what is actually going on.

TheBadHobbit-Thank you. The person who ends up having a LTR with you is going to be super lucky. You have some very solid points from just watching your parents. It has made me think about his point of view.

HotnSexy Texas Momma: Thank you for giving me hope. You have just described my relationship right now. I am buying that book off Amazon in a few minutes if they have it. Otherwise its ebay time.

Badk1tty: Love and right doesn't always go together, but you are right. It is a choice that does have to be made sometimes.

Thanks guys. I need this advice more than you will ever know.

I just watched your link. Funny, Reba's 'Keep On Loving You' was on that page. Then I saw a song called 'Going Through Hell".Wow, what a night.
10/31/2011
Total posts: 11
Unique posters: 7