We have hit a seriously rocky point in our relationship. The only thing we have going for us right now is sex and the fact we do love each other. I don't even think we like each other a whole lot at his point. Our outside stresses have finally come between us to the point where we can not even talk to each other without arguing and I am honestly wondering if there is any future for us together. We have had rocky patches before but nothing like this one, it feels so permanent this time. Any advice or experiences would help. less

I've heard it said that when you get to that point where you are about to give up, that the potential for something really great is just ahead if you can work through the difficulties.

I don't know how true that is as a general axiom, but it worked out that way for us. In our 25 years we almost lost it twice. Once just a few years after we'd been married and again about five years ago. In between the two we were somewhat adrift, with life events driving us along.

Serious self reflection and awareness is required by at least one of you, with that same person deciding that come what may, this is going to work. For us it required painstaking self realization about what makes us tick, even having to ferret out old HS neuroses and baggage we were affected by and still carried around since before we ever met. less

Thanks! I really want us to be together and to work everything out. I just need the petty bullshit to stop. I know we all have bad days, but for craps sakes, do NOT take them out on the other person!! I am just tired of having to second guess his depression and moods in order to figure out if we are going to have a good night or a bad one. I am moody as well, but I honestly try to clear it out by driving the long way home, going to the store or taking a long bath. Most of the time it works, not all the time. I realize no one is perfect, but when someone bitches 24/7 life sucks. Theirs and yours. I am going to go now and write more later, I am starting to make me mad and just want to quit with the complaining. Thanks, Paladin. Thanks also to Stormy and Indiglo, every bit of advice does help clarify and add new perspectives to the situation. less

First of all, I'm sorry that life is sucky right now. Its hard when it gets that way.

We've been married 31 years and we've been through several rough patches but I'll never forget a period of several months during the time when we lived in Anchorage, Alaska (1996-2000). There were so many times during those months (probably about a year in that time frame) when I just wanted to walk away - he could have the kids, the car - he could have everything. I just wanted out because nothing I said or did was right and all he could do was complain. It got to the point where I hated to see him pull in from work.

At the time, I was reading a book titled something like "The 10 Life Principles of Time and Life Management" by Hyrum Smith. At one point he talked about figuring out what changes (small ones) you could make if your life sucked (he didn't put it that way) - and making those changes. It was about being pro-active about your life and not just sitting there and taking what it shoved at you.

I was going for a walk alone and I remember crying out to God and saying, "I'm just so miserable - I hate this man - I hate myself - and I hate my life. But something has to give."

It was then that I made a decision. While I would stay in my marriage and do what I could - I was going to do what I could to nurture myself and take care of me.

I knew my husband was in a work situation that was stressful and since he was military - it wasn't like he could just go out and get another job. He was stuck in this job - with a female boss who HATED men (and actually did her best to get several guys kicked out of the military when they were within 5 years of retirement).

I couldn't change his work and I couldn't change him - but I could change me.

That weekend at church, I went to the prayer room with a friend and just cried my heart out - and she helped me hook up with a mentor at church who had been through the same thing with her husband years earlier!

Now I had a buddy to support me through this. If my hubby was horrible - I could call her and cry on her shoulder and she'd talk me through it. We tried to see if we could pinpoint things that were setting him off and making him this way.

I also pretended at times that I had this coat over me that if he said something mean or hurtful - it deflected off. I was not going to let his anger and his poison make me bitter and poison who I was.

If he got started on a tirade, I'd say, "I'm sorry you're upset" and then I'd walk away and let him deal with his emotions as quickly as I could.

In other words - if his attitude was going to cause him to wallow in the mudbath - that was fine - but I wasn't gonna get in there with him.

I'm happy to say that we made it through that time and our marriage is much stronger - largely from things we both learned.

I learned that he needed his space to vent even if it wasn't because of something I was doing. He had so much stress on him and he had to let it off somewhere and home was the only "safe" place.

I have come to believe over the years that if both people in a marriage are willing to be committed to each other and stick together through the hard times - they CAN do so. As long as there is not another person involved (affair - emotional or physical) - I believe that many marriages that end today can be saved.

I'm not trying to "preach" - I hope you know that. Even now my honey and I go through hard times - but we've learned that it is cyclical and we CAN And WILL make it through to the other side. less