What are your thoughts on affairs?

What are your thoughts on affairs?

indiechick indiechick
So I may have gotten myself into a sticky situation as "the other women". The guy is seriously one of my best friends and we have on occasion taken our flirting too far. I really like this guys and want to see where it goes...only problem...he lives with his girlfriend and would like to keep a roof over his head and that isn't changing within the next 6 months. I don't plan on changing my actions unless he asks me to stop, I just want a private public opinion on the situation. *THIS IS NOT A SEXUAL AFFAIR* Kissing yes, flirting yes, holding hands yes, but nothing beyond that.
Answers (private voting - your screen name will NOT appear in the results):
STOP don't go any further you Wh**e
18  (58%)
I would never but to each his own
5  (16%)
Give me your explanation below
8  (26%)
Total votes: 31
Poll is closed
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Bubba29 Bubba29
put yourself in her shoes. is that what you'd want? make him pick her or you. if he picks you then you know you really mean something to him. if he picks her, well, he was just having sex with you.
Silverwinds Silverwinds
Okay, I'm not a fan of cheating in any context, no matter who you are, but I don't think you're a whore for it if you are "the other" woman. Still not a fan though. I think your options are a bit too extreme, I'm in the middle.
ShadowedSeductress ShadowedSeductress
I agree, put yourself in her shoes. How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing this to you? You aren't being fair to her or yourself. Kissing may not be considered sexual, but you're still helping him cheat, and you two are still being intimate. That is not okay. Besides, if he does it to her, he'd do it to you.

You don't need to "see where it goes" while he is in a relationship.

Calling yourself a whore is a little bit harsh though.
Mwar Mwar
Eh... kinda grey there. I think it also speaks of his character as well. He is doing this to his girlfriend and it is very disrespectful of him. Is that someone you wish to be with?
spunkmonkey spunkmonkey
How would you like to be the girlfriend?
Bme Bme
Emotional affairs are more damaging than strictly sexual affairs. Speaking from experience - both of you should end one relationship before beginning another. Not just for the third party but for yourselves as well. Do not start a relationship with this man with the baggage of guilt, shame and a lack of trust.
edeneve edeneve
stop now before it leads to other things.
Darling Jen Darling Jen
Meh, you're right that this is a sticky situation. There isn't even a good or easy answer. I know that I used to be one of those people with super strict, black/white morals. But the problem with that mindset is that the real world is nearly completely shades of grey. It's denial to completely say one way or the other.

So meh.

On the one hand, yeah you want to consider how the girlfriend might feel. You're going in with both eyes open knowing that someone could be seriously emotionally hurt and you'd be contributing to it. That makes them feel bad and you feel bad. Plus, contributing to cheating will make you wonder later "could he/she be cheating on me back?" Bad decisions beget bad decisions.

But on the other hand, it's his relationship and his responsibility. If you don't know what's going on, how can you make decisions for him? If it makes you happy, why deny yourself? Maybe he's in an open relationship. Maybe he's about to leave her anyway. Maybe she'd be better without him. Maybe he had an epiphany and has deep, true blue feelings for you. Who knows! And walking away means you may never know.

I've had some great friends that I love dearly who were involved in some way in cheating/affairs. But their situations were so unique and complex. I learned to let go of my holier-than-thou, impossible moral standards and to just love and accept. And guess what, they learned that I loved them no matter what and I just wanted them to be happy. Being the other woman, isn't a way to be happy long-term. But there have been some happy endings.

So... only YOU really know if this is worth it.
PandaDearest PandaDearest
Lady find yourself a man to flirt and tease with. Don't steal, nothing good comes from stealing a man even if he makes the first move. : D
Find him, and leave your friend to his girlfriend. You'll have fewer problems.
-Panda Dearest
bayosgirl bayosgirl
Stop and find yourself a man who is emotionally available. You deserve it.
P'Gell P'Gell
I don't think you're a whore, but I also don't think you're being fair to his girlfriend or to yourself.

You deserve a man who is available. I've never seen a relationship that stopped at "just kissing and flirting." It will develop into more. I know it, you know it and he's counting on it. If you aren't into him, why kiss him?

I would, of course, think about how his girlfriend is feeling right now. She most likely suspects and probably isn't sleeping well at night and is wondering when the ball will drop.

You said "he wants a roof over his head" Is he the kind of guy who will live with a girl, when HE doesn't have a job or pay rent, just to get out of responsibility? Honestly, he doesn't deserve you or the woman he is living with.

The thing is: If he does it with you, he'll do it to you. Meaning, if he's willing to do this with you, if you and he end up together (assuming he can get his lazy ass a job and pay some rent) what would stop him from cheating on you? It obviously doesn't bother him to kiss an other woman, even though he has a commitment and is living with (off) some other woman.

DO NOT let this guy move in with you, unless he has a full time job and is willing to pay half of the rent, utilities and food. He sounds like the kind of guy who lives off of women. Those kind of guys don't rate highly in my book. I would never date them, much less kiss them.

You deserve better than a mooch and a cheater. Don't you?
melissa1973 melissa1973
Originally posted by indiechick
So I may have gotten myself into a sticky situation as "the other women". The guy is seriously one of my best friends and we have on occasion taken our flirting too far. I really like this guys and want to see where it goes...only ...
To each his or her own, you said so yourself that the two of you have NOT had sexual relations (yet). So far, it is all innocent enough no harm no foul. You say that he lives with the girlfriend. Shouldn't it be the other way around? I am confused there but it is the 21st century. Since they are getting along and all and the fact that he picked her over you in the first place, I would find a man of my own and if your man friend was cool with it why not do things as a group? Double dates and what knots instead of someone being a third wheel when y'all hang out.
Real or memorex Real or memorex
I don't call women whores and I think people are responsible for abiding by the rules of their own relationships. It's not your job to police his behavior, but I would advise against getting involved. This is potentially pretty explosive, people could get hurt, and you could end up being in the middle of a lot of misery.

You also seem to have feelings for this guy: I think you might end up one of the hurt parties in this. His excuse (I want a roof over my head) is pretty lame and inconsiderate of the woman he's currently saying he loves every night. Wait until they end this and the dust settles. This seems like pain and bad drama, and though he is the one transgressing you may be the one villified by the ex and mutual friends.

tldr; don't date him, girl.
Rokmai Rokmai
That will end badly. It may be fun to go down that road, but it only ever ends with everyone getting hurt.
CountryPrincess CountryPrincess
I say imagine how you would feel if you were her.... I've been cheated on with sex and with with flirtations and both hurt just as badly, I say stop until you BOTH are free
Ciao. Ciao.
You're not a whore for having an interest in a man who is in a relationship, but even though this is not a sexual affair it's a bad situation waiting to happen. If you really like this guy and want something to continue than it's time to have a serious conversation with him to see if that's something he shares too. If not it's time to move on. If you're not ready to have that conversation, or that's not what you want, it's time to move on too.

Having had a partner who has had an affair I know what it feels like to be on the other end of this. You're not a bad person, but you're perpetuating a situation that isn't healthy for any of you. Hope that is helpful.
oneeyedoctopus oneeyedoctopus
I've been "the other woman" before. I think I'm supposed to feel ashamed of it, but I don't in the least. He's a grownup and can make his own decisions. If he wants to be romantically involved with you even at the expense of his other relationship then that's his prerogative.
Darling Jen Darling Jen
Originally posted by P'Gell
I don't think you're a whore, but I also don't think you're being fair to his girlfriend or to yourself.

You deserve a man who is available. I've never seen a relationship that stopped at "just kissing and ...
I most definitely have to agree with P'Gell. She is very wise.
SourAppleMartini SourAppleMartini
I hope you do realize that this guy is lying about his girlfriend, he is not planning to break up with her. That is what all cheating guys say. The fact that this is not a sexual affair does not make any less wrong, if anything, it is actually much worse because it is not purely physical. it is your life and your consciousness, but I would never be able to be a spare tire, I have too much self-respect for that.
Hallmar82 Hallmar82
The golden rule - if you were his girlfriend what would you think?
vulvalicious vulvalicious
If the other person doesn't know, and you are hiding it, whatever "it" is, and you have an attachment to this man you're having an affair right now. Emotional affairs can often be more detrimental to relationships than sexual affairs. They aren't good for anyone involved. This man's connection to you is taking taking him away from his girlfriend and vice versa, his being in a relationship already is not leaving him 100% available to you. No one wins. Think of the hurt that could be caused. Think of how you would feel if you were the girlfriend.
Pete's Princess Pete's Princess
You are only a whore if you think of yourself that way. You are the only person you HAVE to live with for the rest of your life. What do you think putting that word as an answer choice says? Perhaps you are not as comfortable getting involved with him as you appear to be.

My advice is to get him to put his money in the pot or fold, take his chips and go home to his girlfriend. Do not have sex with him until he has made his choice and moved out. If he really cares about you he will wait.

I do not think you are a whore or a bad person if you choose to continue this relationship. He is the one who made the commitment to her. A person cannot be stolen, property can be stolen. He is an adult and makes his own choices. You are not forcing him or kidnapping him.

How you feel about yourself is what is most important.
spiced spiced
You're not the whore, or slut. HE is.

P'Gell nailed it when she said "If he does it with you, he'll do it to you". In my opinion, starting a relationship with someone who's cheating on someone else is about as foolish as it gets.

And kissing is at least as much cheating as having sex. If my wife were kissing some other guy, I'd be just as murderously angry as I'd be if she were sleeping with him, maybe even more so. Again, if you don't want it done unto you, don't do it. Or at least, don't say you haven't been warned.
Wicked Wahine Wicked Wahine
Originally posted by P'Gell
I don't think you're a whore, but I also don't think you're being fair to his girlfriend or to yourself.

You deserve a man who is available. I've never seen a relationship that stopped at "just kissing and ...
It's always difficult for me to follow one of P'Gell's responses. What more can I add? She covers all the bases & I can't think of a time when I don't agree with her. For that matter, I often agree with spiced. So, that's three of us with the same opinion on this. You can take that for what it's worth.

I hope you don't get burned, but I can already catch a whiff of smoke!
lovelyzombie lovelyzombie
Just don't do it.
Total posts: 26
Unique posters: 25