Titanmen crankshaft - vibrating probe discontinued by Doc Johnson - review by Paladin Fantasys

Primarily intended as an anal vibrator, the Crankshaft can be used to vibrate anything you like vibrated: clit, nipple, taint, scrotum, etc.

However, for its intended purpose and if you've got enough time, deep, relaxing, near-meditative stimulation is waiting in the Shaft! Sporting three increasing-in-size bulbs, with independently operated, multifunction vibrators in the first and third, the Crankshaft can serve up an infinite number of sensations.

Infinite, because each of two vibrating bulbs has 10 functions, three steady and seven variable. They work independently so you can start one bulb on one pattern then start the second bulb on another function. Since you can start the second function at any time during cycle of the first, with multiple functions an infinite number of combinations can be achieved. Though they all aren't necessarily pleasant.

Some combinations of out of sync functions can be like listening to a group of out of tune singers. Or just not work, like the second group coming in at "gently" rather than after "stream", trying to do rounds of "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat".

Smells like a beach ball. Well actually it smells like anything else made of PVC, a beach ball immediately came to mind for me, a shower curtain for my wife. I'd love to explore the psychology of those first sensory responses. I'm sticking with the beach ball, it goes so well with the deep relaxing nature of play this toy can ultimately provide.

There is absolutely no texture, unless you consider the bulbs themselves texture, just smooth as a beach ball PVC. I'm thinking texture might be overwhelming in a toy of this nature. But then again a few months ago I would have never imagined experiencing the possibilities the Crankshaft provides.

The packaging claims the Crankshaft is made from phthalate free PVC and ABS plastic. Although after reading Phtha-what? The Facts on Phthalates and Sex Toys, I'm not so sure. Particularly the parts of the article that indicate a manufacturer doesn't have to back up the claim, so long as a statement is made about being a "novelty" toy, and that the physical symptoms of phthalate exposure can be swelling and itching. The Crankshaft packaging says "Sold as a novelty only" and I experienced swelling and itching for the first time ever. At first I thought it might have been the size, but I've been regularly pegged with an Outlaw and an O2 Revolution without swelling and itch before.

Many anal players speak of using smaller toys as a warm-up to larger toys, often using two or three different sizes to get where they want to be. I'm betting the designer of the Crankshaft didn't want to pause to change toys.

With the first bulb being just over 1" in diameter and length from the tip to the second bulb being about 2.5" you have a nice beginner size toy with a very long handle.

With the second bulb being just over 1.5" in diameter and length from tip to the third bulb being about 5.5" you have a suitable intermediate toy with a healthy sized handle.

With the third bulb being about 1.75" in diameter and length from tip to the narrow portion beyond third bulb being about 8.5" you have a respectable advanced toy with an adequate handle.

Taking in the full length of the Crankshaft up to the controller you have nearly 2" in diameter and almost a foot of penetration. Xtreme toy for Xtreme player.

Four toys in one.

A four button controller with light indicators is on the opposite end of the first and smallest bulb containing a vibrator. Two of the buttons are dedicated to the first bulb, the other two are dedicated to the third and largest bulb. The second, middle-sized bulb does not have a vibrator in it.

Each vibrator has a dedicated on/off button, function button, and multicolor indicator light. They both have the same 10 functions, but the third and largest is a lower frequency. In fact, on low (green) they are one octave of B-flat apart, a very mellow-bluesy note.

The indicator lights have the three colors of a traffic light: green, yellow, red. Each color is associated with low (green), medium (yellow) and high (red) intensity vibration levels. In fact, the first three functions of each vibrator are steady green, steady yellow, steady red. Then it gets interesting.

Most of the other seven functions use some combination or variation of short and long pulses, dots and dashes to use Morse Code terminology, which is exactly what bring to mind when you feel them.

Function 4 is a steady, repeated, medium-intensity (yellow on the light indicator) pulses (dot dot dot dot...).

Function 5 repeats a dot dash pattern of yellow (dot) and red (dash).

Function 6 repeats a dot dot dash pattern of yellow, yellow, red.

Function 7 gets tricky, the light indicator shows yellow for a repeated pattern of five escalating in intensity pulses/dots. The light indicator shows red around the edges of the yellow as it approaches the highest intensity pulse of the five.

Function 8 begins with a rapidly pulsating green that gradually increases in intensity until the light indicator is rapidly alternating green and yellow and increases further until full yellow, then an abrupt stop followed by two red dots. Then it continues similar to the beginning but with rapid alternating yellow and red, gradually increasing in intensity until all red, then two red dots. Repeat.

Function 9 begins like #8 but doesn't stop at yellow, instead continues escalating to flash yellow and red, further still until all red, then two red dots, followed by a deescalation starting with red, lowering in intensity flashing red/yellow, to yellow, to yellow/green, ending where it started at low intensity green, two more red dots. Repeat.

Function 10 starts with three increasing in intensity dots of yellow, followed by the escalating ramp up pattern from green to red described as the first part of #9. Repeat.

Clean up with antibacterial soap and water of the PVC shaft is easy. The ABS plastic handle/controller is supposed to be waterproof, but I wouldn't submerge it or use running water over it. I would prefer to use antibacterial spray and toy wipes, but soap and water can be used, just use your hand to cup a little water at a time to carefully rinse the soap off.

Silicone and water based lubes can be used. System Jo Anal worked well, but not as well as Sliquid Ride.

Storage of such a large toy can be tricky. We won a few purple with rainbow peace sign handkerchiefs at a pizza parlor giving out door prizes, which work well for wrapping the Crankshaft and stuffing it in a dresser drawer.

Packaged in molded clamshell plastic. Could be used for storage to keep lint off of the Crankshaft, but it makes a bulky toy bulkier.

If you really like gentle stimulation from only one of the bulbs, you will have hours and hours of play. If you like full intensity on both bulbs (and I do), you will consider the Crankshaft a battery guzzler. Only a couple of sessions can be had on one set of four AAA batteries, if you want to "redline" it on both bulbs. Then you can only run one bulb or the other, or else one of them will shut off. Sometimes both. But, it will last an incredibly long time on low intensity being run on one or the other of the bulbs.

Taking advantage of the full length of the Crankshaft takes some time and concentration. Time for the body to respond to concentrated effort at relaxing. Once I was able to slowly and methodically insert the full length, up to the controller, I was able to lay flat on my back, spread frog-legged and let the vibrators on full red do their massage therapy. For half an hour or so I delighted in the near meditative relaxation. Then I decided to try some of the patterned functions.

I found that I didn't like the red "dot" pulses on the top bulb. It vibrated my spine in a unpleasant way, not as sharp but similar to fingernails on chalkboard kind of irritation. Switching functions led to discovery of the potentials for unpleasant sensations due to out of sync bulbs. Both kinda destroyed the concentration, which of course caused tension.

I've played around with trying to set a "round" with the second bulb, or playing one function with a different function. Fishing around to find a good mix proved frustrating. Setting one or the other bulb on one of the first three steady functions, and using one of the pleasant variable functions proved workable. But for me, nothing works better than full insertion, function #3 high intensity red on both bulbs.

Concerning the swelling I experienced, I have a Nexus G-rider that I've never had any problems "holding" in, in fact I've never had to put any effort into holding. The day after a little over an hour session with the Crankshaft I couldn't hold the G-rider in, except with my hands. The swelling wasn't painful, even while inserting the G-rider. For that matter I might not have realized the nature of the swelling but for the difficulties with the G-rider. I tried my Tantus Ryder which stayed in place, but I felt a sensation like it was trying to be pushed out like never before and I tend to wear the Ryder plug daily.