Humor » Satire: "The Bloggess: So you decided not to listen to me and had sex anyway…"

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The Bloggess: So you decided not to listen to me and had sex anyway…

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Surprisingly, I totally know what I’m talking about.


1. What’s that itching? It’s probably nothing. Really, it’s most likely all in your head because I mentioned “itching”. It’s like when you see someone yawn and then you have to yawn. Unless you were itching before you read this. Then you probably have crabs.

2. No, seriously. It itches like crazy! I’m going to scratch my junk off! Did you shave your genitals? If so, that might account for the itching. Now you’ll have to keep shaving forever to stop the itching. Please note that if you shave your genitals for years and then stop, you will grow an enormous hairy bush and it will look like your thighs have a handlebar moustache. I don’t know that last part for a fact, but my mom told me that when I was 14 and it stuck with me.

3. Am I pregnant? Maybe. Lucky for you they sell pregnancy kits at the dollar store now. When I was a teenager, you had no choice but to use the $40 ones that you couldn’t afford because you were a teenager; so you’d have to shoplift it, except the box was too big to fit in your bag so you’d just open up the box and steal a pee-stick and then when you got it to the mall bathroom you’d realize you forgot to steal the instructions and the part that would have told you what it means if the test turns blue. That sucked. But now you can just shell out a dollar to find out if you’re pregnant.

4. But I did it standing up so there’s no way I’m pregnant, right? Can you even hear how crazy you sound? You are not allowed to have sex again until you are 30.

5. So…was that it? Yep. That was it.

6. Do I look different? No.

7. Did she fake it? Probably.

8. Will he show all his friends the pictures he took with his phone? Almost definitely.

9. Will I ever want to have sex again? Absolutely. When it’s right, you’ll know. And you’ll be at least 20. And it will be with someone who loves you and who isn’t hiding a video camera in the closet. And you’ll both have been tested for VD beforehand. And it will be fucking amazing. Promise.


I read a column one day where some one sent in a question about sex... She asked if it was possible to get pregnant through her belly button. My first thought was..Oh my God, please never reproduce!



Discussion Last Post Category
Losing your virginity [13] Dec.16, 2012

Interviews with The Bloggess

  • Most people know Jenny as The Bloggess, a prolific writer with a sense of humor and style that many are scrambling to imitate. How does a woman who hides in the bathroom at most blogger conferences and muses on clown porn get to be an online sensation?

    Jenny is a columnist, blogger, mom and comedian. Her personal blog, [|], is extremely popular and has developed a cult following, according to Marie Claire Magazine. She’s been a regular contributor to the online Houston Chronicle since 2006 and also writes a popular advice column for PNN and a satirical sex column for [|SexIs Magazine]. Jenny has been the keynote speaker at major conferences, as well as featured on countless sites including and MSNBC; and Gawker once referred to her as an "interesting psycho". She prefers the term "creative visionary". Jenny suggests you ask her about how she gets her hair so shiny, or what’s wrong with her. But we know that’s a wig, and there’s nothing wrong with Jenny – she created a pitch perfect style that grabs readers, and keeps them. Whether inadvertently mobilizing the Bloggess Army, going to [|Japan] on a sex culture / geisha mission of sorts, interviewing [|porn stars], giving sex advice, or relating the hilarious arguments she has with [|her husband], The Bloggess has us hooked. Join us in learning more about this unpredictable funny lady.

     Read full interview

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