This week twitter once again wrote my column for me when thousands of people started sharing all of the terrible things said to them during sex. It is guaranteed to make you feel better about your sex life. Even if you don’t have a sex life. Hell, especially if you don’t have a sex life. This column is basically the best argument for abstinence ever.
And now, The top 30 worst things anyone has ever said during sex:
“On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.”
“I'm sorry but I gotta take this call; it’s your mom.”
“Oh, my God. Do you smell that? I think the cats have diarrhea again.”
“If I knew we were having sex today I wouldn’t have had sex yesterday.”
“Totally just found a glass eye.”
“My grandma is going to call to check up on me.”
“Did you put on a few pounds?”
“I want a baby.”
“Um… (awkward silence) …we need to talk...”
“How was your day?”
“Girl, you need to fire your gardener.”
“Is this your breast or a roll?”
“Hi, I am Chris Hansen.”
“I think we should see other people.”
“Ignore those bumps around my genitals. Or think of them as mountain lumps of love.”
“Please put your socks back on.”
“I’m kind of drunk right now... Can you put it there for me?”
“Shhh. We don’t want to wake your dad.......or DO we?”
* Phone rings * “Yes, doctor. Oh, the tests came back positive?”
“I forgot to take my birth control pill again. Oh well, I’ll do it tomorrow.”
“And I learned this move in jail.”
“I’m turning 18 in a few months...”
“Your sister does that, too.”
“The only reason I’m doing this is because I’m drunk.”
“I’m out of condoms. Can I use a sock?”
“I haven’t had this much sex since I was a hooker!”
“In this economy, have you considered lowering your prices?”
“Oh Susan, Susan... I mean...Donna.... Shit.”
“The ceiling needs painting.”
“Slow it down, Cowboy. You’l hurt my baby’s head.”
“You’re kneeling on my colostomy bag. Again.”
“THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!”
And now, The top 30 worst things anyone has ever said during sex:
“On second thought, let’s turn off the lights.”
“I'm sorry but I gotta take this call; it’s your mom.”
“Oh, my God. Do you smell that? I think the cats have diarrhea again.”
“If I knew we were having sex today I wouldn’t have had sex yesterday.”
“Totally just found a glass eye.”
“My grandma is going to call to check up on me.”
“Did you put on a few pounds?”
“I want a baby.”
“Um… (awkward silence) …we need to talk...”
“How was your day?”
“Girl, you need to fire your gardener.”
“Is this your breast or a roll?”
“Hi, I am Chris Hansen.”
“I think we should see other people.”
“Ignore those bumps around my genitals. Or think of them as mountain lumps of love.”
“Please put your socks back on.”
“I’m kind of drunk right now... Can you put it there for me?”
“Shhh. We don’t want to wake your dad.......or DO we?”
* Phone rings * “Yes, doctor. Oh, the tests came back positive?”
“I forgot to take my birth control pill again. Oh well, I’ll do it tomorrow.”
“And I learned this move in jail.”
“I’m turning 18 in a few months...”
“Your sister does that, too.”
“The only reason I’m doing this is because I’m drunk.”
“I’m out of condoms. Can I use a sock?”
“I haven’t had this much sex since I was a hooker!”
“In this economy, have you considered lowering your prices?”
“Oh Susan, Susan... I mean...Donna.... Shit.”
“The ceiling needs painting.”
“Slow it down, Cowboy. You’l hurt my baby’s head.”
“You’re kneeling on my colostomy bag. Again.”
“THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!”
I don't know what I laughed over more... "“Hi, I am Chris Hansen.” or "THIS. IS. SPARTA!!!" omfg. I am dying here.
For some reason I find the one about the glass eye kinda hot.
These are seriously funny!
Spectacularly unfunny, morning radio show type drivel.
who invited dixie wrecked to our lunch table? ((throwing tater tot into her hair))
i'm inviting everyone over to my table for lunch tomorrow at [https://rntgirl.com].
except dixie.
This reminds me of my days in a convent.
"THIS. IS. SPARTA."
My life is now complete... completely DESTROYED BY LAUGHTER!!!
Am I the only one who is going to try to work at least one of these phrases into sex? I mean, come ON. It's fucking happening.
Blinker... lemme know how it goes... I'm partial to "slow it down cowboy, you'll hurt my baby's head". My hubby would DIE!!
Okay, seriously, I am totally going to try to work "This. is. Sparta." into my sex life. The boyfriend's a movie nerd, I'm sure he'll appreciate it.
Is it ok if I call you Dobby? Just for tonight?
Once when when my boyfriend was finishing he screamed "Arghh!!" like a pirate. On purpose. I still sometimes bust out laughing in the middle of sex because of it.
My boyfriend did the This is Sparta... I died almost..
My ex boyfriend used to say "hey baby, do you want a fish sandwich?" as a come on line to get me into bed. It was really good at turning me COMPLETELY off.
what's wrong with sparta? It's better than "hulk smash" (for breaking condoms. yes i stole that from smbc-theater).
unfortunate.
Awesome,