And here it is…the post in which I get to the bottom of The Top 10 Myths About Vaginas:
1. “Having sex with a guy who has a big penis will stretch out my vagina.”
FALSE.
Have you ever seen a horse penis? They’re HUGE. Like, scary huge. That’s where the phrase “hung like a horse” comes from, in fact. Now think about all the other horses you’ve ever seen. Have you ever seen one and said, “Oh my God! LOOK AT THAT HORSE’S ENORMOUS STRETCHED-OUT VAGINA!”? No. You haven’t. Because vaginas are elastic.
2. “Vaginas make the best pockets.”
FALSE
Pockets make the best pockets. Vaginas are too upside-downy to make for good pockets. That’s why we don’t keep our car keys in our vaginas. Think, people. Also, yes, “upside-downy” is a word. Starting now.
3. “Some vaginas have teeth that will bite your penis off.”
FALSE
Although technically? Body modification is getting more extreme every day. Huh. You know what? I’m moving this one to UNDETERMINED.
4. Some girls have more than one vagina.
TRUE
I saw it on The Tyra Show. Apparently you can have two vaginas and not even know it. Hell, you might have eight or nine in there. Probably not though. It’s a vagina. Not a labyrinth.
5. You have to have a vagina to be a girl.
FALSE
There are lots of people who don’t have vaginas but still identify as a girl. Some close-minded people insist that only “a vagina makes a girl,” but using that same logic, someone with two vaginas makes two girls. And now we’re fighting intolerance with math.
6. There is an evil leprechaun that lives in vaginas of unmarried women and he only leaves after the marriage ceremony is finished.
FALSE
Wow. Your mother really did a number on you, didn’t she?
7. Vagina starts with a “V” because it looks like a “V”.
FALSE
Have you ever seen a vagina? It doesn’t look like a “V” at all. It looks like a lower-case “w”. But only if you’re using a rounded font. The one I just used there is named “Hobo STD”. I’m not even making this up, y’all.
8. If you rinse your vagina with 7-Up you won’t get pregnant.
FALSE
I don’t know who invented this myth, but I suspect it was probably the guy who owned 7-Up.
9. “Vagina” is the funniest word ever.
FALSE
“Reintarnation” (to come back to life as a hillbilly) is the funniest word ever. “Vagina” is a close second. “Upside-downy” is third.
10. Doctors once removed a seven-pound man from a woman’s vagina.
TRUE
Really? That’s called a “baby”, y’all. We’re done here.
1. “Having sex with a guy who has a big penis will stretch out my vagina.”
FALSE.
Have you ever seen a horse penis? They’re HUGE. Like, scary huge. That’s where the phrase “hung like a horse” comes from, in fact. Now think about all the other horses you’ve ever seen. Have you ever seen one and said, “Oh my God! LOOK AT THAT HORSE’S ENORMOUS STRETCHED-OUT VAGINA!”? No. You haven’t. Because vaginas are elastic.
2. “Vaginas make the best pockets.”
FALSE
Pockets make the best pockets. Vaginas are too upside-downy to make for good pockets. That’s why we don’t keep our car keys in our vaginas. Think, people. Also, yes, “upside-downy” is a word. Starting now.
3. “Some vaginas have teeth that will bite your penis off.”
FALSE
Although technically? Body modification is getting more extreme every day. Huh. You know what? I’m moving this one to UNDETERMINED.
4. Some girls have more than one vagina.
TRUE
I saw it on The Tyra Show. Apparently you can have two vaginas and not even know it. Hell, you might have eight or nine in there. Probably not though. It’s a vagina. Not a labyrinth.
5. You have to have a vagina to be a girl.
FALSE
There are lots of people who don’t have vaginas but still identify as a girl. Some close-minded people insist that only “a vagina makes a girl,” but using that same logic, someone with two vaginas makes two girls. And now we’re fighting intolerance with math.
6. There is an evil leprechaun that lives in vaginas of unmarried women and he only leaves after the marriage ceremony is finished.
FALSE
Wow. Your mother really did a number on you, didn’t she?
7. Vagina starts with a “V” because it looks like a “V”.
FALSE
Have you ever seen a vagina? It doesn’t look like a “V” at all. It looks like a lower-case “w”. But only if you’re using a rounded font. The one I just used there is named “Hobo STD”. I’m not even making this up, y’all.
8. If you rinse your vagina with 7-Up you won’t get pregnant.
FALSE
I don’t know who invented this myth, but I suspect it was probably the guy who owned 7-Up.
9. “Vagina” is the funniest word ever.
FALSE
“Reintarnation” (to come back to life as a hillbilly) is the funniest word ever. “Vagina” is a close second. “Upside-downy” is third.
10. Doctors once removed a seven-pound man from a woman’s vagina.
TRUE
Really? That’s called a “baby”, y’all. We’re done here.
Hobo STD is a font? I just choked on my coffee...
Thank god for elasticity!
Here's a link for #3 (vaginas with teeth): [https://articles.cnn.com/2010-06-20/world/south.africa.female.condom_1_female-condoms-ehlers-south-africa?_s=PM:WORLD]
Here's additional backup for #4 - an actual picture of the girl with two vaginas: [https://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-the-top-10-most-amazing-vaginas/P1/]
Um, all of the 10 items above are fascinating, and I love this list, but the car keys in vagina thing is really a matter of how strong your kegels are. In fact, just the other day I suggested to someone that she start using her vagina as a car key repository when pockets and handbags are not an option.
I would think the prohibitive aspect of key-in-vagina storage would be the jagged pokey qualities of keys, not the grab-strength of said vagina.
Y'know, there's actually a real-world term for myth #3. It's called "Vagina Dentata."
Dear Jenny,
Virginas look like a “w”? No they look like a vanilla bean only a lot bigger, thank God. TRUE? Oh, and the last time I checked, babies are a lot bigger than male members. If it got all stretchy, then it would be like a BB in a boxcar and women would only have one child. Come to think of it, don’t you have only one?
[https://wiki.answers.com/Q/What_is_the_origin_of_the_word_vanilla]
The word Vanilla comes from the Spanish word "vainilla", diminutive form of "vaina" (meaning "sheath"), which is in turn derived from Latin "vagina".
Re #1-Elasticity of vaginas: "Wow that big baby comes out of there!" My 4 year old son's response when told how his baby brother would be getting out of my body.
The leprechaun is actually a pussy troll, named Pillowpants, that will bit the mans dick if he puts it in her. It gets peed out on her 21st birthday.
Are you sure about the leprechaun? Don't know if I want to find out lol. Great read!
Can definitely confirm that #3 is true--my evil sister-in-law's vagina has chewed my brother-in-law's penis right off. We call her "Razorpussy."
I wish the midwife had witnessed the ejection of only a 7lb man from mine. Instead he was closer to 8 1/2.
Thanks Girlygirl11, we can identify. [https://www.PleasureMySpot.com]
No wonder I always lose my f-ing car keys, my vagina is too upside-downy to hold them... maybe it should get my clit pierced and hang them there instead... thoughts?
reintarnation, new word for 2012.