“HEY! That’s my Wife!” All heads turned toward the couch, where a tall, curly haired gent was passionately kissing Sheba. He abruptly stopped, his head snapping around and looking fearfully across the playspace. The panic and trepidation in his eyes was apparent; that is until he gazed upon Barak’s wide smile. His fear slowly transformed into a lopsided grin, like a kid that had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He turned back to find Sheba’s lustful gaze and soft lips waiting for him to acknowledge the prank and continue his forceful ministrations.
At the time, it was a funny jest, playing on the intrinsic fear that some people have when getting involved with a married woman. Thankfully the gent in question had a good sense of humor. Later, when they were alone and taking a break from the heat of their newfound potential sexual relationship, Sheba took the time to explain our relationship agreements; which further set his mind at ease.
We have been polyamorous since the outset of our relationship. (For the most part, we use this definition – Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being open to having more than one loving, intimate simultaneous relationship, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The word is often used more broadly to refer to relationships that are non-monogamous. Persons who consider themselves open to or emotionally suited for such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.) At the beginning of our relationship Sheba hadn’t actually heard the term. She just acknowledged that we were both dating others while still dating each other. As time went by, our relationship became more serious and we decided to live together. We knew that in order to maintain a healthy base, we had to create some guidelines about interacting with others in a sexual context.
While we were dating, the agreements were simply guidelines to keep ourselves safe and healthy. Those basic agreements were, “Don’t tell me about it,” and “Use Protection,” and was left at that. As our relationship blossomed into more of a primary partnership, the initial negotiations no longer suited. We had to completely redesign our practically non-existent relationship agreements to accommodate for those changes.
After several (significantly failed) attempts to outline what we wanted, we decided to separate the agreements into two categories: Those who are known and those who are unknown. We move potential intimates from the “Unknown” into the “Known” category once we have had “The Talk.” The Talk is our moniker for the conversation with the individual along with any primary partners who are affected by the relationship (e.g. spouses, significant others, etc…). During this conversation we actually complete a negotiation that includes potential impacts, feelings, intent for the relationship, sexual history, including sexual and physical health issues.
Once we had finalized the Known v. Unknown agreement, we devised a simple formula that is very easy for us to follow and have actually placed it in writing on our personal website. We’ve found that when forming relationships, it’s a valid tool for sharing our agreements. It’s a great way to both introduce people to ethical Poly and to give them “verification” that we being honest about the state and openness of our relationship.
But just having agreements relating to how we can engage physically isn’t all there is to it. Whenever you decide to form new relationships outside the pre-existing one, you may want to keep some basic tenets in mind. The first is deciding what level of inclusion the outside party will take in your lives. There are many different models that we know of.
Several of the more commonly seen formats are the triangle and the “V.” Think of the points on each as a person. With the Triangle, there are three people involved, and all are connected. This doesn’t mean the connections have to be equal, it just means there is an intimate bond that is shared by all three. We have tried having someone who is involved with both of us. While it doesn’t really work for us; we know many people who prefer this format for their poly relationships. We actually prefer having “V” type relationships, or where one person has more than one partner. Just keep in mind, there really is no “one true way” to do poly, and if it works for you? Then it is the “right” configuration.
But let’s get back on track. We know you are whet (or is it wet?) with anticipation. The second thing to keep in mind is "the intent and purpose" – When opening up the relationship, make sure you are both clear about your needs, wants and desires as it pertains to the third (or fourth, fifth or sixth) person. Be clear about the role they will play. Frequently external relationships are fostered to satisfy areas where there is an unfulfilled niche. It is this way with us.
For example, when we tried to create a power exchange dynamic (e.g dom/sub) it failed miserably. After much discussion (some heated), Sheba agreed to try and be submissive to Barak for the weekend. For about the first hour, it was wonderful. She was able to get into a good headspace of service, make sandwiches, get on her knees, etc… However, as many people know, no amount of negotiation or compromise can hold back the bratty, more dominant Sheba for long.
We maintain a 50/50 real time relationship. When we attempted to shift that balance, we were both too set in the pattern of our relationship (truth be told – too stubborn) to make it work well with each other. Nonetheless, both of us desire a partner we can experience a power dynamic relationship with. That is a niche we both have other relationships to fulfill; or in Sheba's case, two relationships - since she “switches” or enjoys both sides of a power exchange.
The last tenet is maintaining and sustaining the strength and connectivity of your current relationship. The key to this is communication. Talk about the possible feelings, benefits and/or detriments that might develop. And know that issues will arise. Because along with that wonderful new acquaintance will come some feelings of anxiety, jealousy, envy, etc. It is perfectly natural to look at someone we love being cared for by another, and experience pangs.
Even in our relationship, one that we both consider to be quite healthy, we sometimes have these issues. In those moments we sit down and share what incident brought up those feelings for us. We use “I feel… when this happened,” and not “You did XYZ and made me feel…” We have better success at not being defensive when using this style of discussion. It’s part of our strategy for creating a space for each other to speak and get those things out into the open without bringing up each other’s walls.
We have a saying in our relationship, "speak the unspeakable". This means we voice that soul retching, scary as hell thing we don’t want to share. In that moment, we dare to say the things that we barely whisper to ourselves. For us, it’s very important to place everything on the table. During the discussion we both try to listen with an open mind and heart. We have found that when each of us reveals our vulnerability and the other acknowledges it and keeps it safe? The resulting connection invariably brings us closer.
Perhaps with these few tenets, tips and stories, you can open up your relationship or decide it’s not for you. Using some of them, we have had wonderful long lasting relationships and we've also experienced those that crashed and burned within weeks, if not days! Regardless of the outcome or purpose, each relationship has brought us new knowledge about ourselves and growth experiences.
Whatever your motives are, there are significant discussions, agreements, and considerations that must be made within the primary relationship in order to maintain a healthy base. There needs to be an existing balance and harmony in the primary relationship before any leaps into the world of open relationships can be navigated successfully. So good luck in your journey – whether it is with one or many!
At the time, it was a funny jest, playing on the intrinsic fear that some people have when getting involved with a married woman. Thankfully the gent in question had a good sense of humor. Later, when they were alone and taking a break from the heat of their newfound potential sexual relationship, Sheba took the time to explain our relationship agreements; which further set his mind at ease.
We have been polyamorous since the outset of our relationship. (For the most part, we use this definition – Polyamory is the practice or lifestyle of being open to having more than one loving, intimate simultaneous relationship, with the full knowledge and consent of all partners involved. The word is often used more broadly to refer to relationships that are non-monogamous. Persons who consider themselves open to or emotionally suited for such relationships may define themselves as polyamorous, often abbreviated to poly.) At the beginning of our relationship Sheba hadn’t actually heard the term. She just acknowledged that we were both dating others while still dating each other. As time went by, our relationship became more serious and we decided to live together. We knew that in order to maintain a healthy base, we had to create some guidelines about interacting with others in a sexual context.
While we were dating, the agreements were simply guidelines to keep ourselves safe and healthy. Those basic agreements were, “Don’t tell me about it,” and “Use Protection,” and was left at that. As our relationship blossomed into more of a primary partnership, the initial negotiations no longer suited. We had to completely redesign our practically non-existent relationship agreements to accommodate for those changes.
After several (significantly failed) attempts to outline what we wanted, we decided to separate the agreements into two categories: Those who are known and those who are unknown. We move potential intimates from the “Unknown” into the “Known” category once we have had “The Talk.” The Talk is our moniker for the conversation with the individual along with any primary partners who are affected by the relationship (e.g. spouses, significant others, etc…). During this conversation we actually complete a negotiation that includes potential impacts, feelings, intent for the relationship, sexual history, including sexual and physical health issues.
Once we had finalized the Known v. Unknown agreement, we devised a simple formula that is very easy for us to follow and have actually placed it in writing on our personal website. We’ve found that when forming relationships, it’s a valid tool for sharing our agreements. It’s a great way to both introduce people to ethical Poly and to give them “verification” that we being honest about the state and openness of our relationship.
But just having agreements relating to how we can engage physically isn’t all there is to it. Whenever you decide to form new relationships outside the pre-existing one, you may want to keep some basic tenets in mind. The first is deciding what level of inclusion the outside party will take in your lives. There are many different models that we know of.
Several of the more commonly seen formats are the triangle and the “V.” Think of the points on each as a person. With the Triangle, there are three people involved, and all are connected. This doesn’t mean the connections have to be equal, it just means there is an intimate bond that is shared by all three. We have tried having someone who is involved with both of us. While it doesn’t really work for us; we know many people who prefer this format for their poly relationships. We actually prefer having “V” type relationships, or where one person has more than one partner. Just keep in mind, there really is no “one true way” to do poly, and if it works for you? Then it is the “right” configuration.
But let’s get back on track. We know you are whet (or is it wet?) with anticipation. The second thing to keep in mind is "the intent and purpose" – When opening up the relationship, make sure you are both clear about your needs, wants and desires as it pertains to the third (or fourth, fifth or sixth) person. Be clear about the role they will play. Frequently external relationships are fostered to satisfy areas where there is an unfulfilled niche. It is this way with us.
For example, when we tried to create a power exchange dynamic (e.g dom/sub) it failed miserably. After much discussion (some heated), Sheba agreed to try and be submissive to Barak for the weekend. For about the first hour, it was wonderful. She was able to get into a good headspace of service, make sandwiches, get on her knees, etc… However, as many people know, no amount of negotiation or compromise can hold back the bratty, more dominant Sheba for long.
We maintain a 50/50 real time relationship. When we attempted to shift that balance, we were both too set in the pattern of our relationship (truth be told – too stubborn) to make it work well with each other. Nonetheless, both of us desire a partner we can experience a power dynamic relationship with. That is a niche we both have other relationships to fulfill; or in Sheba's case, two relationships - since she “switches” or enjoys both sides of a power exchange.
The last tenet is maintaining and sustaining the strength and connectivity of your current relationship. The key to this is communication. Talk about the possible feelings, benefits and/or detriments that might develop. And know that issues will arise. Because along with that wonderful new acquaintance will come some feelings of anxiety, jealousy, envy, etc. It is perfectly natural to look at someone we love being cared for by another, and experience pangs.
Even in our relationship, one that we both consider to be quite healthy, we sometimes have these issues. In those moments we sit down and share what incident brought up those feelings for us. We use “I feel… when this happened,” and not “You did XYZ and made me feel…” We have better success at not being defensive when using this style of discussion. It’s part of our strategy for creating a space for each other to speak and get those things out into the open without bringing up each other’s walls.
We have a saying in our relationship, "speak the unspeakable". This means we voice that soul retching, scary as hell thing we don’t want to share. In that moment, we dare to say the things that we barely whisper to ourselves. For us, it’s very important to place everything on the table. During the discussion we both try to listen with an open mind and heart. We have found that when each of us reveals our vulnerability and the other acknowledges it and keeps it safe? The resulting connection invariably brings us closer.
Perhaps with these few tenets, tips and stories, you can open up your relationship or decide it’s not for you. Using some of them, we have had wonderful long lasting relationships and we've also experienced those that crashed and burned within weeks, if not days! Regardless of the outcome or purpose, each relationship has brought us new knowledge about ourselves and growth experiences.
Whatever your motives are, there are significant discussions, agreements, and considerations that must be made within the primary relationship in order to maintain a healthy base. There needs to be an existing balance and harmony in the primary relationship before any leaps into the world of open relationships can be navigated successfully. So good luck in your journey – whether it is with one or many!
