Play Fair and Share Your Toys: Your Guide to Toying With a Partner

Statistically speaking, it is fairly likely that your partner already has a toy (especially if they’re female) or would support using one with you. One-quarter to one-third of American women already own vibrators, although only nine percent say their partners know about them. And while 42 percent overall consider themselves “sexually adventurous,” 40 percent of men surveyed in 2004 said that they wish their partners were more adventurous in bed. Furthermore, since less than one-third of women are able to achieve orgasm through the traditional “stuff and thrust” approach, if you’re not using your hands, mouth, or toys on your lady, she’s probably not getting off. (You there -- yes, you. Wipe that smug grin off your face: half of all women admit to faking orgasms.)

So now that we’ve got those dry statistics out of the way, what does it mean for YOU and YOUR relationship? Well, odds are good that your partner would be thrilled to have this discussion with you. This tends to be one of those things that everybody wants but is afraid to ask for. Regardless, it’s a risk well worth taking. Even if your sex life is generally pretty good, you have nothing to lose -- in fact, you have everything to gain by discussing adding toys to your repertoire.

The important thing to remember is that you deserve to be sexually satisfied. And if your partner approaches you about using toys in bed -- perhaps she’s printed a copy of this article and left it on your pillow -- remember that she, too, deserves to be satisfied in bed, and understand that she wants to be satisfied with and by you. Anyone (yes, men too!) can fake it and then slink off to the bathroom to masturbate once their partner falls asleep. But a good sex life means that both partners are responsible for one another’s pleasure, and the fact that she wants to experiment with you is a wonderful opportunity for both of you to get more out of the sex you share.

“But we’ve got all the equipment we need,” you say. “It’s been doing the job well enough so far.” We understand and we wholeheartedly agree. We enjoy low-tech sex. We enjoy it very, very much -- and high-tech sex will never replace the old-fashioned, slip-sliding fleshfests of our youth. But particularly in long-term relationships, variety and experimentation are not just good: they’re essential to creating a sex life that grows and changes along with our relationships and our changing libidos.

So, now that you’ve talked it over and decided to give high-tech sex a try, where do you begin? That’s a matter of personal choice, and it depends what you both feel you need and what you are mutually turned on by. Start with things you agree on -- save the stuff that might be pushing the edge for fantasy and “private time,” at least at first. Perhaps the simplest thing is for one partner to masturbate while the other watches -- a very sexy voyeur/exhibitionist dynamic indeed. So get out your favorite vibrator or masturbation sleeve and plenty of lube and put on your own personal peep show.

Ladies can also use the vibrator on the clitoris during penetrative sex, or it can be combined with oral sex by either the cunnilinguist or the cunnilinguee (a little move I like to call the “Value Meal Combo”). Our personal favorite is the very affordable Slimline G. Its angled head is designed to hit the g-spot, but this property also makes it easy to target the clitoris for “supplemental” work. Many men enjoy vibration, too, so try using your vibrator gently against his pubic mound or cock (though a hard plastic or metal cased vibrator might be a little TOO strong for that), or for a real buzz, apply it gently to his testicles and/or perineum.

For straight couples seeking that elusive experience of simultaneous orgasm, or for men who really enjoy a little extra buzzing on their boy parts, a vibrating cock ring might fit the bill. Worn during intercourse, it provides additional clitoral stimulation for her as well as applying some gentle pressure to the base of the penis, delaying his orgasm and helping maintain his erection. This is one of the most popular types of couple’s toys because it is hands-free and doesn’t interfere with penetrative sex. For double the vibrating pleasure, try the reasonably priced His and Hers. Of course, don't let the name fool you -- it can be used with a handheld or strap-on dildo or during anal sex as well, converting it to a "Hers and Hers" or a "His and His" as applicable.

Been there, done that? Okay, smarty pants. We’ve got some new tricks for the advanced high-tech couple. Let’s think outside the toy box for a moment. Have you considered role-playing? Costumes? Light bondage? How about surrendering control to your partner for a few hours…while you’re out in public? Try a hands-free vibrator under your panties on for size. Strap it on, hand your partner the remote, and go out on the town. But if you get arrested for giving in to your urges in the supermarket, don’t blame us.

People with a hankering for more “involved” penetration might also enjoy the Feeldoe, an ingenious device created to be worn by a woman and allow her to penetrate her partner while simultaneously receiving vaginal, um, “incentive.” Pair it with a vibrating cock ring for mind-blowing clitoral and/or perineal stimulation during penetration. You can also use the Feeldoe with the “bulb” inserted anally, or have your partner perform “fauxllatio” & stimulate the g-spot or prostate with their hand and mouth motions, or have them put on a hell of a gender-bending show for you when they insert it & masturbate it! Also remember that most vibrators designed for the “g-spot” also work well on the prostate. We recommend the slim and unassuming Slender Gspot for anal play.

Even on a budget, with good communication and creativity the possibilities for adding goodies and gadgets to your sex life are limitless. So don’t let the mass of (mis)information on the web scare you -- just communicate with your partner and surf your favorite sex store together. We promise, it won’t hurt a bit.


Interested in more sexual statistics? Check out the 2004 American Sex Survey.