How Nina Hartley Became My New Best Friend

me: First off, huge fan. Boogie Nights is a personal favorite of mine, especially your scene where you were being plowed on the driveway while a bunch of people were watching. When I’m lying on the driveway I get horrible sciatic nerve pain in my lower back. What am I doing wrong?



Nina: Ah, a common problem. Were you using a furney blanket beneath you or were you just on the concrete without any protection?

me: Well, I always use protection but I’ve never even heard of a furney blanket. I use an IUD. I’m not sure why that makes a difference though. Let’s continue. What do you think about penguins?

Nina: Love ‘em. And way before the movie, “Happy Feet, “ or “March of the Penguins.”

me: Mayonnaise: “Makes everything better” or “Semen of the devil”?

Nina: Definitely better! My husband thinks it’s the devil’s semen.

me: 77 X 4 + the average speed of a cheetah carrying a small baby = A. Solve for A.

Nina: Hmm, it’s been too long since I solved for two variables, I’m afraid.

me: Did you show your work?

Nina: Work?

me: Oops. Sorry. I got distracted looking up “furney blanket” and I wasn’t paying attention. Okay, if you were in a horror movie and you were chained to someone and you had to either cut off your leg or a stranger’s leg or else both of you would die from poison gas, whose leg would you cut off?

Nina: The other person’s, of course.

me: Wow. You answered that… really quickly. Okay, if you saw a woman dressed as a nun, would you assume that she’s really a nun or would you suspect that you’re on Candid Camera and someone is about to pull some sort of trick on you?

Nina: I would assume she’s a nun.

me: Is it weird that I’m the only person who associates nuns with practical jokes?

Nina: Only if you’re Catholic.

me: I’m not. Rock, Paper or Scissors?

Nina: Paper.

me: Scissors. I win.

Nina: *

me: You were once arrested for “Felony Lesbianism”. Is that the most awesome thing to be arrested for, ever? I say “yes”. Although I did have a friend in high school who got a ticket for “fellatio” once because she was doing it in a public park. She told her father “fellatio” was Latin for “speeding”. I forgot where I was going with this.

Nina: If that’s a true story, way to go, girl!

me: When you’re at a movie theater, which one of the armrests is yours? I say it’s the one to your right. My husband says it’s whoever touches the armrest first. Please settle this.

Nina: I’m with you on this one. It’s like knowing which bread plate is yours.

me: Exactly. Whichever plate you spit your gum on is your bread plate. You’ve acted in hundreds of movies, including “Adventures of the Fart Bitches” and “PopPorn: The Guide to Making Fuck”. Have we run out of good porn titles?

Nina: Not as long as Hollywood comes out with movies to parody. By the way, I had hoped never to SEE the title of that first movie ever again. I was helping out a friend, I swear!

me: I believe you. What’s the one question you wish people would ask you in interviews that you never get asked? It’s the penguin one, right?

Nina: How did you know? It’s like you’re psychic!

Me: Only slightly, Nina. Only slightly. Is this the best interview you’ve ever had?

Nina: Pretty much.

me: Will you be my best friend?

Nina: What’s the job description?

me: You have to tell me if my wigs are on straight and hide with me in the bathroom during overwhelming social situations. Also? Must love penguins.

Nina: I can handle that.

me: Awesome.