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Do Not Make a Sex Tape, You Idiot.

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This month I’m writing my column based on Cosmo Magazine titles to prove to my grandmother that this column is just as socially acceptable as Cosmo and that she should really stop telling her friends that I'm doing missionary work in Zimbabwe for a living. I don’t even know where Zimbabwe is, granny. So, onto today’s subject…

  Ten Reasons Not To Make a Sex Tape:

1. Really? Have you even thought this out at all?

2. You’re going to look fat. Even if you are stick-thin you are going to look fat.

3. All those noises you make in the middle of an orgasm? They’re actually kind of disturbing when you listen to them later.

4. It’s going to end up on the internet.

5. Your parents/children will see it. I know. You’re thinking “So what? I’m an independent person and I’m not ashamed of my sexuality”. And guess what? You’re totally right and I bet your parents agree with you. Hang on. Let me slip in the raunchy sex tape your parents made. Okay, stop throwing up. I’m just messing with you. But that revulsion you just felt? That’s exactly how everyone else in your family feels when they hear about your sex tape.

6. The production values will be substandard at best.

7. Later when you break up, the jilted party will take the tape and re-dub it so that it sounds like the other person is farting loudly throughout the whole sex tape.

8. Then that person will upload the farting sex video to YouTube out of sheer spite and anger.

9. Five minutes later that same person will realize in horror that they’ve just uploaded a sex video of themselves fucking a farting person onto the internet and that now it’s been downloaded and forwarded a million times.

10. That horrified person that just uploaded the farting sex video? Was you. You. idiot.

Comments

Contributor: crcormier
crcormier  

Lookin' like a fool,
with your pants on the ground.

01/28/2010
Contributor: crcormier
crcormier  

Lookin' like a fool,
with your pants on the ground.

01/28/2010
Contributor: crcormier
crcormier  

Oops.

01/28/2010
Contributor: BadGuyZero
BadGuyZero  

I was thinking about maybe making a site where people could post their homemade sex videos. I was going to call it I Can Haz Sex Tape. But then I found out there are already plenty of places on the internet where people are posting their homemade sex videos.

My other idea is for a social networking site that's strictly for having fuck-dates with other people. I think Twatter will be quite successful.

01/28/2010
Contributor: Jay Allen
Jay Allen  

I guess I've been fortunate in avoiding revenge uploading. Bullets dodged. :-|

01/29/2010
Contributor: Dangerous Lilly

Wow, too late. Way way way too late for me to take this advice. Oh, fingers crossed! haha

01/29/2010
Contributor: incomp_ete
incomp_ete  

"2. That’s about it. "

I think it should be "2. If you are facing the other way, then he will check out your ass for the full six seconds."

02/05/2010
Contributor: Schmutzie
Schmutzie  

This weblog entry is being featured on Five Star Friday: [http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2010/02/five-star-fridays-edition-90.html]

Congratulations!

02/05/2010
Contributor: hislittlemrs
hislittlemrs  

Enjoyed this article!

02/21/2010
Contributor: Kelly Kc
Kelly Kc  

The only thing I can think of that is good for taping a sex romp is you'd like to look back and say THOSE were the days! ~grin~

07/13/2010
Contributor: pagodess

Yea I agree. There's only 2 people that really want to see the average person having sex and it's the two people in the video. Hell even pornos always have ugly guys.

10/07/2010
Contributor: iwantyouwantingme

So.. If you are on camera and the camera adds ten pounds and you are making grunting moany noises, maybe even yelling out random shit... maybe this is the gift you send grandma and tell her it is mating animals in Zimbabwe and encourage her to show ALL of her friends.

10/23/2011
Contributor: Angel Baby

ROFL!

05/04/2013

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